I remember one of my friends telling me just before I left KTJ, “You’re probably the smartest guy in the whole form, yet you don’t seem to have any future plans or ambition?”
It’s a perfectly valid question, one that my only answer seems to be a shrug of the shoulders.
Another comment from another friend, “You’re really smart Zhong, if only you weren’t so lazy and bothered to study.” I think a big “Ouch” is an appropriate response, seeing that I do make an effort. This is the same friend that might have changed her opinion recently and said, “Don’t worry Zhong, you’re so smart I’m sure you’ll do fine.” Again, a perfectly valid observation; and my response? “Wow, I’m surprised you have sooooooo much faith in me.”
In some sense, it’s not always a good thing to be too smart. Too much of it makes you complacent, makes you lazy. On the other hand, having a certain degree of intelligence means that you’re perfectly self-aware, and it makes you insecure, makes you evaluate yourself based on your own potential.
Then along comes a Catch-22 situation. You’re smart enough to know that you can probably have a pretty decent life living with both eyes closed, functioning on auto-pilot. I mean, why work so hard when you can just chill, make a decent living and have a pretty relaxed life. No need to worry about beating the person sitting next to you, about keeping up lofty standards. Just stay on cruise control for the entire time. No worries, no obstacle too hard. Easy peasy right?
But then that same smartness gets to you. Do you really want to live without having known the true limits of your potential? Without ever tasting the satisfaction of saying, “I’ve done my best”? Always there’s a sense that you might have done enough, but probably could have did better if you bothered to try a bit harder. But it’s tiring, so bothersome to try to live up to your own standards, to other people’s expectations.
In a way, you’re in a constant tug of war between these two personas. There’s no shame in wanting to take the chill pill. After all, the smarter you are, the heavier the expectations. Some might say it’s the higher path, since you are able to see past the vulgarities of life. Nobody wants to be trapped in a rat race forever. But then, can you live with the guilt of never doing yourself justice? Along the way you’re going to disappoint a lot of people, not just yourself, but people who you inevitably care about.
Maybe at the end of the day, it really boils down to whether you want to give a damn or not. “So what?” you say, you didn’t ask for this smartness, blessing or not be damned. But then, we all want to do the best we can right? So how can both paths co-exist at once? Can there really be a best of both worlds? Or maybe really, you do have to make a choice, for better or for worse, and live with that choice. Who can tell?
Suddenly, making the best of your life doesn’t seem so easy after all. Are you really living it right?~Zhongy~
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Tuesday 17 August 2010
I am but a lesser man,
A lesser mortal.
Hold me now, closer and tighter;
Let me not fade into the shadows
Like mist and vapour.
Keep me close, lest I disappear;
Your presence grounds me,
Gives me shape and colour.
Please, make me just a little stronger,
It might keep me here
For just a little longer.
~Zhongy~
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