They say the people closest to you will hurt you the most, sometimes unknowingly...
I feel like such a fool right now, waiting on a phone which never seems to ring with the right people calling, pining for the right sms-es while wrong ones come flooding in, and hoping for words that will never come...
Heck, I don't even know if the right people are reading this blog...
I'M SORRY I'M SO EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE, I'M SORRY I'M SO UNSURE; I'M SORRY TO THE WORLD FOR THE PITIFUL MASS WALKING THIS EARTH, THIS SOIL WHICH IS ME...
and only me...
They say still water runs deep...
I'm not even sure of that... I'm not the smartest person on earth, but I'm not the stupidest either; Why must I think so much? Feel so much? As much as all of you? More than any of you?
And yet, I show so little...
STUCK, STUCK, STUCK! FOREVER IN MY OWN CAGE! MY OWN CELL AND BARS, METAL BALL AND CHAINS; LOCKED IN, SHUTTED TIGHT, WITH THE KEYS THROWN AWAY!
without a single opening...
And everybody has a story to tell...
And mine is one nobody can bear to hear, for only the painful yarns are remembered, recollected, but seldom retold... I would chance none but myself with the entire truth, but truth springs from my mouth in parts, in spurts, in spontaneous flourish...
Begging to be shared, to be passed around, to be revealed...
SO THAT IT WOULD COME BACK TO HAUNT ME, TO TAUNT ME, TO WRECK ALL THAT I BUILT ON IT; AGAIN AND AGAIN, SO THAT I FEEL, LIKE A TIRADE, ALL EMOTIONS AROUND ME, BUT ABOVE ALL...
detaching me from all that are dear...~Zhongy~
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Thursday 26 July 2007
Collide
Howie Day
The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
I'm open you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide
I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide
Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide
God how much I wish I have one of those photos in Harry Potter where the people inside move and talk freely. I'm probably the last person anyone would expect to miss the KTJ school life buzz... Ish... Or maybe I'm just bored and lonely being always alone at home... Sometimes even talking through MSN isn't enough... Miss all the antics, jokes and crazy stuff people do while I watch by the wayside... GAAH... Why does being isolated make people feel so sentimental and think much more than they should?! Falling into a melancholic mood with each passing day stuck at home... Ish... I'm missing more people than I should...~Zhongy~
P/S NEVER THOUGHT I WILL BE SAYING ALL THIS! THIS POST IS WRITTEN IN A TEMPORARY FIT OF DESPERATION! DON'T YOU GUYS DARE HOLD IT AGAINST ME!
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Tuesday 17 July 2007
ok, this article is reproduced in its entirerity from John Lee's blog, Infernal Ramblings (www.infernalramblings.com) which I feel is an excellent article for all to read. The case of Nat Tan being detained by the OSA has shook the blogger's community and should be seen as a threat to not just the bloggers but the Malaysian community as a whole. People, read and sweep!
My Boss, Nathaniel Tan, Martyred by the Special Branch
The case of Nat Tan makes it clear how the establishment wants to make someone as an example for those who dare to make a difference, to tell us to back off. Malaysians who dream of a better Malaysia, I challenge you to stand up and make a difference anyway. Written by Johnleemk on 10:29:41 am Jul 13, 2007.
Oh, that's right. You can't read this right now because you're being held by the Special Branch in an undisclosed location (but probably the police headquarters in Bukit Aman, if the word of the plainclothes officers who took you is anything to go by).
But fortunately there are a lot of other people who can read this — the 10 million or so odd Malaysians with internet access, not to mention the hundreds of millions of people outside Malaysia who probably have better internet service than the crappy kind we have in the office.
So, if you can read this, enjoy your freedom, because people like Nat are the ones around the country, and around the world, suffering for it.
Of course, I sound a bit hyperbolic, so let me backtrack a little. Nat started a little company, JCB Networks (also called Just Networks informally), which specialises in communications. Nat himself is an aide to Tian Chua, the Information Chief of Parti Keadilan Rakyat (the People's Justice Party, which holds only one Parliamentary seat, despite winning over 10% of the popular vote in the last election thanks to gerrymandering).
Nat invited me to join his firm during my holidays while I wait for my university term to start, so I figured I had nothing to lose. I didn't count on this breaking out.
Some of the guys at the office are PKR honchos; but probably an equal number are politically neutral. Myself and the guy who was at the office when Nat got hauled away have made it clear to Nat repeatedly that we do not want to be involved in partisan politics.
We do work on some politically-related stuff — PKR is Just Networks' anchor client after all — but our work has also focused on the broader problems with the Malaysian nation. We have worked on a bulletin site for non-governmental organisations, and have a number of projects in the pipeline which bear little relation to PKR. Only today I helped set up a website for a Malaysian NGO with (as far as I know) no ties to PKR.
Now, why wasn't I in the office today when Nat got taken away? I have a tradition going back a couple of years of meeting with my secondary school friends every Friday for lunch. We gossip (yes, I freely admit that males are as prone to doing this as the fairer sex), perhaps play some games at a nearby cybercafe, and maybe have a round of basketball. I have a special dispensation from Nat to play truant from the office a little whenever the meet-up is on.
At the time Nat was detained, which was around 4.45PM Malaysian time, I was probably shooting some hoops at my old school's court. The first I heard of the arrest was about an hour later, when one of my colleagues, Bob, called to ask what happened at the office.
I assumed he was asking about the NGO website we set up, since Bob was responsible for helping transfer some content over to it, but after babbling a little about it, it became clear he didn't have that in mind. I was naturally surprised when he told me that Nat had been taken in.
When I got home around 7.30, I immediately went online to see the reaction and get my hands on more news about Nat's detention. I was not surprised to see a lot of alarmism — or, as it is known in the computer community, Fear, Uncertainty & Doubt (FUD) — about Nat being detained for questioning by the special branch (Malaysia's secret police).
Honestly, do you want to know why the police took Nathaniel Tan in, and held him incommunicado while refusing to disclose his whereabouts or whether they even arrested him? Do you want to know why there is a chance this Harvard graduate in his mid-20s will be tortured by the Royal Malaysian Police?
It is because this Fear, Uncertainty & Doubt is exactly what the government wants to spread. They have no good reason to take Nat in.
Nat is not a big fish. In local political parlance, he is a machai, a small fry. He has no information worth being interrogated for down at the federal police headquarters, and he is of little political value to anyone.
This is exactly why the Malaysian government wants to take him in. They want to send a message to the people who want to and can make a difference in our country and our society — BACK OFF.
The message is, "This could be you!" It seems to be seeping in, because despite the insistence of solidarity amongst those already in the anti-establishment, potential recruits for the cause of change will be deterred by this detention.
After all, it could have been me who was taken away. Or it could have been Eng Kiat, my colleague who was there when it all happened. It could have been any young person who devotes themselves to the cause of change in Malaysia, even if they are not politically involved.
But is capitulation our only option? Do we just quit and give up, and as some odd 100,000 Malaysians (about 70,000 of them Malay) have done in the last decade, quit the country and give up our citizenship?
No. There is, of course, the choice of challenging the establishment completely, and daring them to "come and get me!" But that is immature theatrics, something perhaps worth playing for those already in politics.
But those of us who want to get involved without being foolhardy or stepping into the murky political waters, there is something we can do. We can choose to make ourselves heard. We can choose to carry on with our lives while making a difference.
I was told by a person close to me that it might be better not to write about this incident, so as to avoid drawing unwanted attention to myself. That is exactly what the establishment would love to see.
The Barisan Nasional regime thrives on suppressing the dissemination of information, the spread of moderate viewpoints such as mine. It survives by playing those who want to make a difference off against one another.
The police cannot haul every blogger in Malaysia in. It cannot take away every member of a political party. It cannot jail everyone who tells their friends and family not to vote for Barisan Nasional.
It can, however, jail a few as examples, and hope everyone else shuts up. By shutting up, we are handing the government the victory they want. By speaking out and condemning this arbitrary and unjust move, we can achieve the critical mass we need to avoid detention. If I were the only fella' screaming blue murder, the government would probably take me in. But if I am one among the dozens who know Nat and the hundreds who support the cause of change in this country, how can the government arrest us all?
The legality of taking Nat in is something I am unsure about. I know that under English common law, the police must either make an arrest, or not detain at all. There is no such thing as detention for the sake of questioning.
Malaysia, however, has been particularly successful at perverting the institutions handed down to it by the British. I would not be surprised if the law here permits the police to take away anyone arbitrarily, hold them incommunicado, and refuse to disclose whether they even arrested the person in question.
I am not asking you to step completely out of your comfort zone to make a difference. Different people have different tolerance levels; I will not go out to the streets for the sake of change in my country, but I will wield the weapon that is mightier than the sword.
Every person can make a difference. If you can write, write something about this. Put it on your blog, mail it to your friends, or stick it on your room door.
When you talk to your friends, tell them about Nat, and the atrocity of having a government that can ride roughshod over its citizens' rights without a care in the world.
But more importantly, please spread the word about the cause Nat, I, and everyone involved in this are working for. We are not working for partisan politics — it is not our common goal. I am not a PKR supporter.
What we are working for is a better Malaysia, a changed Malaysia. A Malaysia where the schools are not nothing more than propaganda outlets. A Malaysia where the economy is not propped up by a government dependent on oil, and entrepreneurs are stifled by corruption and an interventionist state. A Malaysia where every Malaysian citizen, regardless of their class, race, or religion, knows they have the same opportunity as anyone else to head a world-class Malaysian corporation, or to be Prime Minister.
That is the goal we work towards. And if these are the objectives you share, then for Nat's sake, please join the cause in some way. Don't vote for the corrupt regime heading this country. Assert your rights as a citizen. Do more than just talk, and take action in some way. Even if it is only at the ballot box, word is that an election may be around the corner.
Please, make your vote count — make it so that the Malaysia of tomorrow is a Malaysia where we do not live in fear of the secret police knocking on the door, where every Malaysian has the same opportunities to be the best they can be, where Malaysia is truly a free and democratic society, instead of the horrid sham it is now.
For more info regarding the Nat Tan case, pleae visit www.malaysiakini.com, www.jeffooi.com and www.infernalramblings.com.~Zhongy~
P/S For the record, I do not in any way support or lambast any political groups which are mentioned in any of my blog posts including PKR which is mentioned above. They are solely mentioned out of need to illustrate the full fact of events and do not in any way proclaim my political standpoint.
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Monday 16 July 2007
Term Two. What can I say? Almost all work and less play. Exams were looming and I spent most of my time studying. Can't say it was uneventful, but after the Term One, I was more settled down to crack open my books. Everybody was preoccupied with their studies anyway to care about anything else. I'm surprised Mr. Finch isn't sick of me sitting in his office after school everyday before my STEP II exam. He really is an excellent teacher and I owe a lot to him for all his tutoring and guidance. Hopefully I'll live up to his expectations... Other than that, I made some headway with my Eng. Lit. and the comments from Ms. Carol were quite encouraging after the Mid-Term Exams. I'll just need to build on the momentum then.
I always like to start on my academics, don't I? Maybe its because my academics are starting to really matter now. Granted I still do last minute studying sometimes (!)... ok maybe all the time but I'm starting earlier now. Still not in the habit of doing constant revision like some of my friends but I just manage to scrape through every time haha. Oh well, old habits die hard and you can't really teach an old dog new tricks, can you? That's just my way of studying and it does feel more effective for me...
On the co-curricular side, the Sixth Form Committee is finally buzzing with activity as we prepare for the induction next term and some other events. The jersey project was a great success and I'm really happy that the entire Sixth Form reacted well to it. It was worth the effort we put in just a few weeks before OBS. Full credit to Amira who clocked in the most hours for the jersey. Prefect duties are now fitted into my regular weekly schedule. Luckily its less taxing then being an SFI prefect as we're only on duty once a week. Congratulations to Ashaari and Jenny for being elected as Head Boy and Head Girl respectively. I think both of them are competent leaders and will lead the board to greater heights in the coming year. House singing is looming around the corner and the houses are gearing for another spectacular evening. I've never seen so much enthusiasm in a school event before and I must say the excitement is infectious. I'll be playing the piano for this year's Nadzi song, 'There Is Nothing Like A Dame' from the musical 'South Pacific'. I'm sure it'll be loads of fun with people like Jun and Ash running the choreography and everybody will have a blast even if we don't win. Typical Nadzimuddin House spirit -- 'Work Hard, Play Hard!' haha. What more? Buddhist Society is organising a Saturday Night event for the Lantern Festival next term but that's not until later. Still the plan has been drawn up early because of our minuscule work force but it promises to be another enjoyable experience. Finally, the School Yearbook 2007/2008 Committee has been elected and even now, work has already started. It's another mega project for me and I hope it'll be a smashing success and worthy addition to the line of KTJ Yearbooks. Thankfully for all these activities I'm working with teams of outstanding individuals who can more than pull their weight on the team. With the variety of talents in our batch, I'm sure the next term is going to be an exciting one for KTJ.
Term Two was also a period of self-discovery and shifting relationships. Imagine going through two hotseats in two weeks! I'm not totally fazed with the comments, but will try to improve what I can. Some things are still meant to be kept to myself and I have my own reasons for being like this. I hope all of you people don't mind me being QUITE anti-social for the past two terms. I must say I've open up more gradually but still there are places where I just don't let people in. Sorry guys, please do understand. To top it off, there was this really freaky character analysis slide show from Ding Yan which really described me to the dot:
"You have very strong will, not dependent on others and gives an impression of being a lone-ranger. You are extremely curious and sensual, living a clear-headed, modern life. At first glance you place yourself on a pedestal, and are difficult to get along. But once others talk to you, they know you are easygoing. And when the relationship develops, they realise you are affable. You have an androgynous charm, which makes you popular with all genders. But you don't like your weak side to be seen. You might look cool on the surface, but beneath it all, you are really passionate. Only people who know your true self can maintain a long-lasting relationship with you."
Very true I think, at least when I see myself from my own perspective... I hope you guys think the same too... As for relationships, I'm learning to trust people more after the stint at OBS and hopefully, this will foster stronger friendships between me and my friends. After the past two years, I just can't live like a lone-ranger anymore. People change, and maybe in some ways so did I in the sense that I'm in the process of opening up more... In due course I just pray that everything will fall back into place...
As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so life well used brings happy death. ~Leonardo Da Vinci~
Term Two ended on a sad note with the passing of Ong Tzong Huat, one of SFI's most beloved Head Prefects on 14th July 2007. I was at the wake yesterday and it was saddening to see the alumni come to pay their last respects to Tzong Huat. Ding Jian however, provided the humour as usual and it really lifted our spirits a bit. I think that was how Tzong Huat would have wanted us to remember him, as the funny guy and friend he was during his schooling days. It was touching as we reminisced about his past jokes and double act with Ding. Memories were mentioned and shared around the table. My heart goes out to Tzong Meng and family but I'm sure we'll all find the strength inside all of us to continue life without Tzong Huat's company. May he look upon us fondly from the heaven's above...
This one month's holiday is a transition period for everybody as we gear up for Upper Six. Time flies in KTJ and half a year is gone. Gearing up for the next term, there is still room for improvement in my life and I'm working towards that. Time and tide waits for no one, and right now, its time for me to play catch up. As Eomer of LOTR once said, 'Fell deeds awake. Now for wrath, now for ruin, and a red dawn! Forth Eorlingas!'~Zhongy~
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Sunday 15 July 2007
To all Franciscans, please join us in mourning the passing of Ong Tzong Huat (5H '03) yesterday 14th July 2007. Tzong Huat was an exemplary Head Prefect, senior and friend who was well-loved and respected by all who knew him, seniors, contemporaries and juniors alike. A true Franciscan and La Sallian but most importantly, an excellent individual. My sincerest condolences to Tzong Meng and your family. May you all find strength to continue the journey of life in the absence of your endearing brother. We all share your sadness and join you in mourning the death of a great friend. May God bless his soul in heaven. It is indeed a sad day for all of us.~Zhongy~
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Wednesday 11 July 2007
Blog, blog and BLOG! Haha sorry guys I realise I've just neglected my memories for a month because of exams and OBS (Outward Bound School). I swear I've tried to write something during exam period but it just didn't seem to click. I try not to post crappy stuff for all of you here to read so BE GRATEFUL!
Anyways...
Exams went quite well and I'm quite satisfied with my internals. I read my teacher's assessments yesterday and was quite please with it. For once my parents didn't grouch because all my teachers were generous with the superlatives. YES! Big thank you to all of them! Hopefully my AS exams will come out fine in August. Hoping for perfect scores in all my maths papers and an A in Eng. Lit. Frankenstein so I won't need to resit... AND YES I HOPE I AT LEAST SCRAPE A 1 GRADE IN STEP II! God I've worked so hard for it that it'll be a huge DISAPPOINTMENT if I don't get a 1. Grade S is just too much to hope for... Ish... Seriously if there is the only one thing I really want this year, its that 1 grade in STEP II. And maybe if I'm feeling greedy some other things... haha.
On to OBS, Outward Bound School. Some of you might not have heard of it but its a lonely outpost in Lumut and Pulau Pangkor where we KTJ Sixth Formers get a dose of the rough world out there in the form of jungles, beaches and swamps all in the space of ten days. Its certainly been a memorable experience, both physically and mentally. I WOULD mind a lot to go again but will recommend that all you youngsters out there attend at least ONCE to get a feel of it. Trust me, you won't regret it... Heck C.J.'s been there for six freaking times and he's still planning to go back. The jungle trekking, kayaking, rope course and solo camping expeditions really tested my physical and mental limits (I'm not really religious so I'm going to omit that limit) but it help me open up more as a person. I realised that sometimes, you just need to trust other people to pull you through when you need that extra need. Sometimes my best just isn't enough and I'll just have to put faith in others to offer an olive branch. And they did. I'm grateful that I've had excellent Watch members and Instructor to aid me through the 10 days course. My most sincerest thank you to Ijan, Aisha, Amira, Joanne, Nadira, Pam, Yan, Fadhil, Khairul, Michael, Surein, Wei Rhong and Yaser, all of Kinabalu Watch for (yes I'm going to say this again) bearing with me through out the whole course. Your support and words during hotseat really means a lot to me and I'll try my very best to do something about myself. Oh yes guys watch out for my letter to myself during OBS solo camping. Due in six month's time. I'll make sure to type it out and post it up here for all to see haha.
The ending of OBS signals the end of the 2nd term in KTJ for me. I'll be doing a recap in a very near future post but would like to take this chance here to extend my best wishes to all the leaving Upper Sixers. Special mention goes to Ibi, Chia Hsien, Leong Hoo, Naresh, Jit, Sabrina, Hui Shurn, Sam, Wee Shen, Lingesh, Yi Chieh, Jacky and Lee Feng. Thank you all for everything through out the last six months. I really appreciate it. All the best when the results are out in August and your university life. I hope that all of you will achieve what you desire and lead a contented life. Also best of luck to the leaving Lower Sixers (!) Alison, Duwi, Gayathri and Michael. You are all very bright people who have gone on to pursue your dreams elsewhere and I wish all of you the very best in your future endeavours. I'm sure if you work to your fullest potential, you can reach the greatest heights imaginable. Please do keep in touch and may God bless all of you...
A final salute goes to Amira, who I feel have done a great job with our Sixth Form jersey. Be assured that pictures of it will be posted up soon for you to ogle over! Congratulations on a job well done Amira, and my heartiest thanks. It was an enormous task but you pulled it off nonetheless. Kudos! If you do read this please forward my thanks to your brother Reza too for helping us so much in the design of the logo and the orders. I hope that this small post will in a little way compensate for the thankless hours you toiled to make the jersey project a huge success. Thank you once again.
I think this is more than enough for one post and I'll leave the rest for next time. I hope I didn't bore all of you with the endless ramblings and 'thank you's but it seemed appropriate that these people gets mentioned here as they have really done a lot for me. To the rest who didn't get mentioned, be assured that you are not forgotten and remain very much close to my heart. And finally, a largely un-melancholic post for all of you faithful readers haha. I might be able to maintain this change of mood for some time yet!~Zhongy~
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