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underneath the stars
It is all very well, when the pen flows, but then there are the dark days when imagination deserts one, and it is an effort to put anything down on paper. That little you have achieved stares at you at the end of the day, and you know the next morning you will have to scrape it down and start again. ~Elizabeth Aston
Wednesday 28 January 2009
Paradox Within
13:05

The folly of mistaking a paradox for a discovery, a metaphor for a proof, a torrent of verbiage for a spring of capital truths, and oneself for an oracle, is inborn in us.~Paul Valery

I apologise for the lack of updates. MNight commitments coupled with my usual Course assignment workload have deprived me of any time for leisure or indeed, most of my sleeping hours. I feel like one of the walking dead these days, especially when I need to wake up for 9 am lectures every day except for Friday to a full day of work.

Yes, my birthday was spent working. No, it wasn't the most birthday-y thing to do, but seriously there's not much choice in missing important lectures or MNight practices since the event is just two weeks away. Still, I really appreciate the phone calls, Facebook walls, texts, MSN messages and blogpost which came in over the few days wishing me 'Happy Birthday'. These wishes have become invaluable now especially since I'm swamped with work and need other things to just keep stuff off my mind when I finally get a chance to rest. There was a digital singing of Happy Birthday through Skype from home, since it was also my dad's birthday, and pictures of the cake which I won't get to taste. But overall, it's all good. Hopefully I'll have time after the 7th of February to actually chill out a bit more and have some time to myself to do what I like. Look out for more frequent updates after that too as my workload is (hopefully) reduced.

Birthday this year was made even more eventful by the inauguration of Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States of America just a day before. I missed the live telecast of it because of lecture but watched the entire event on CNN after that. His speech once again enhances his reputation as an excellent orator and it all boils down to whether he can 'walk the talk' now. However it cannot be denied that his campaign has been a beacon of hope to the people of America and the world. With it though, comes enormous expectations, primarily to mediate the conflict in the Middle East, the Gaza situation and to tackle the current economic crisis. The coming months will be a great test of Obama's character and his ability to lead as the most powerful person in the world. To read his stirring speech please look at the previous post before this.

The first day of Chinese New Year was spent pretty much the same way, but I did cook 长寿面 or 'mee sua' for lunch with a couple of friends. It's tradition for a Hokkien like me to eat it during the first day of Chinese New Year as it symbolises longevity. Considering that it was the first time ever that I've actually done it, I'm quite pleased that it turned out to be quite authentic. It's fairly easy to prepare too so I suppose it'll be a good alternative to just cooking plain rice with dishes in the future. Nothing beats having hot soup in the cold weather, but it is gradually getting warmer now. SPRING IS COMING! The first of the seasons has always been taken as a sign of good things to come and hopefully it will bring good tidings to all of us. There won't be any ang paus nor traditional CNY cookies around myself, but at the very least the Asian societies on campus are organising events to try and bring the CNY atmosphere to Chinese students. There is no place like home, especially during festive seasons, but steamboats, Chinese dinners and lion dance will go a long way in curing the homesickness. Calling family and friends on a 'YES' card helps too, and I'm happy to have had a long chat with some people who I have not met for a loooonnnnggggggg time.

Even after 19 years, I'm still struggling with my identity of who and what I am. Now in university, it is even more difficult to compare yourself against others, since how good you actually are is probably relative to how well the others in your course actually do. In a course of 350, there is no way to actually know where you stand, and what motivates a person is probably the desire to just be the best and do the best he or she can. But what if the best is not enough? It's fair to say that despite having a pretty flexible timetable where people can choose the amount of work they do to suit themselves (there is of course a minimum for this), the Mathematics department drives us pretty hard in terms of lectures, assignments, tests and exams. In a sense, you feel that you're in a one man race to beat the system, rather than the other 349 undergrads sitting around you because frankly, you just don't have the time to give a damn. Get in and get out in 3 years. By the time you finish you should be pretty good at Mathematics if you survive; IF you survive... Aihhhh... No rest for the wicked I guess... or for the Mathmos at least..

And while survival isn't hard enough, I have always questioned my intentions for doing things. Sometimes it feels like I am living for other people, not for myself; Yet paradoxically, I do things for others probably to put my own conscience to bed. I can't live with guilt, and if things weigh heavily on my mind I need to deal with it. There is always the question of whether I have given my all in all that I do. It is good that I am doing what I want now, as that naturally gives me more motivation to pursue things to the end. But at the same time, I'm struggling to fulfil the conflicting interests of mine. There is never enough time to sit down and write a blogpost, curl up in a chair to read a novel, whip up a good meal, play some tennis, put in a good enough effort into my assignments and attend other social stuff. Time limits my choices and forces me to prioritise, and with it comes a guilt for neglecting some of the stuff that I have meant to do for a long time. I'm finally going to pick up the racquet again tomorrow after 4 months of inactivity, and in these 4 months I've been trying to convince myself that doing Aikido twice a week helps keep me fit. It doesn't, and I'm not convinced that it does either. Looking back, I probably didn't do half of the things I wanted or meant to do because of commitments elsewhere. This does come with a good side though. The freedom of choice in university means I am much better at choosing stuff which I'm sure I can make sufficient contribution in, and not waste time on stuff which I just can't be bothered to make an effort towards. Otherwise my guilt will start biting at me again, and it hurts. There are times when I do feel like giving up everything just to have an uneventful day of leisure, but at the same time I can't live with inactivity. Not doing anything makes me weary, though too much work eats into my personal time which I would rather spend with people close to my heart. I am guilty of neglecting some of my family and best friends, nevertheless in my current predicament it is perhaps unavoidable, but believe me I do try my best, and will always be here if anybody needs me.

Perhaps all of this is just self-justification for what I do. I don't know. I just felt like letting it out for once. At least this is how I think about it, and how I approach my daily routine. People are free to interpret it as it is. As long as it doesn't break me, I am happy to go on like this until something, or somebody changes my mind. It might not amount to much, but at least I'll be able to live with myself.~Zhongy~

How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light.~Barry Lopez


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Tuesday 20 January 2009
A Dream No More
19:46

Following is the inaguration address by Barack Obama, sworn in today at Capitol Hill as the 44th President of the United States of America, and the first African-American to occupy the Oval Office.

My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often, the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebearers, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land -- a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America: They will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the fainthearted -- for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things -- some celebrated, but more often men and women obscure in their labor -- who have carried us up the long, rugged path toward prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.

Time and again, these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions -- that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act -- not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions -- who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them -- that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works -- whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account -- to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day -- because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control -- and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart -- not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: Know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort -- even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West: Know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment -- a moment that will define a generation -- it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends -- hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism -- these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility -- a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation and the world; duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence -- the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed -- why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent Mall, and why a man whose father less than 60 years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world ... that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive... that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested, we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back, nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.
~Zhongy~


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Monday 19 January 2009
就像蜡烛,燃烧自己,照亮别人...
23:41

Run
Leona Lewis
Spirit Deluxe Edition

I'll sing it one last time for you,
Then we really have to go.
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done.

And I can barely look at you.
But every single time I do,
I know we'll make it anyway
Away from here.

Light up, light up,
As if you have a choice.
Even if you cannot hear my voice,
I'll be right beside you dear.

Louder, louder,
And we'll run for our lives.
I can hardly speak, I understand
why you can't raise your voice to say.

To think I might not see those eyes,
Makes it so hard not to cry;
And as we say our long goodbyes,
I nearly did.

Light up, light up,
As if you have a choice.
Even if you cannot hear my voice,
I'll be right beside you dear.

Louder, louder,
And we'll run for our lives.
I can hardly speak, I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say.

Light up, light up,
As if you have a choice.
Even if you can't hear my voice,
I'll be right beside you dear.

Louder, louder,
And we'll run for our lives.
I can hardly speak, I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say.

~Zhongy~


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Monday 12 January 2009
Martini, Shaken Not Stirred
23:33

5 parts pride, 5 parts brilliance and 3 parts instinct. Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add caring to taste! Do not overindulge!

That apparently, is how you make a Zhong. It's funny to think that for something that could be so random, it might actually be somewhat close to the truth. Close enough anyway; Not too brilliant, a tad too proud and very much instinctive. I sure could use some of those caring now though... Haha. The good thing is I've got Nicky with me now, who spent three horrible months ina a dirty cardboard box. He's finally restored to the spot beside my pillow, and it feels so good to have something to cuddle up to at night :D Really did miss him lots but all is well now that he's here =)

I know my New Year's post is long overdue but really, I think some of the people who read this should know that I didn't have the best of starts to the year. A horrendous Foundations Exam and the whole Vodafone fiasco later, I think, and certainly hope that things will only get better after this, like everybody says. Still, nothing comes free in life and I'm working my ass off now, what with Malaysia Night practices every Monday to Thursday night and assignments to be handed in every week. Luckily there are no tests on Friday this term or I'd be really biting off much more than I can chew. Am barely coping with the workload even though it's only the second week back to Warwick and I expect more sleepless nights and panda eyes to come. I don't even have time to do laundry now and the dirty clothes are staring at me from the laundry bag every time I open my bedroom door! Uggghhhh...

MNight practices are looking good though, and despite the actual lack of numbers we're making steady progress. Still, there's only four more weeks to go and the committee members,Sue Bee, Zhiyi, Jin and En-Li especially, are stressing and working their asses off to make sure that things get done. Hopefully everything will come together nicely in the end. I have to say that working in this group really brings back memories of the Yearbook days. Maybe I'm just being nostalgic, seeing that I'm not playing a really big role in this event, but the atmosphere is there, and the stage is set for people to showcase their talents. But being part of the production really brings the people involved much closer together. I suppose things will only get more frenetic as we get closer to February 7th, but if we all stick together and do our role I think we can make it good. For people in the UK, please do come and watch us! I promise we'll try our best to blow away your expectations and stage a show worth your while. Tickets are already on sale and you can get them from me for 10 pounds each!

It's not that nothing good has happened in the first few weeks of the new year, but me being me prefers to ponder upon the bad things. To start with, the Hogmanay Festival in Edinburgh on New Year's Eve was amazing! Really, closing off Princes Street for a street party is a stroke of genius. The fireworks were very impressive, especially since they were going off from the castle where it's visible to everybody and the organisers had pulled out all the stops to light up the night sky. I suppose with the current economic crisis, people came out in droves to party and look for something to celebrate while temporarily forgetting about the credit crunch; and my were the streets packed. The sheer amount of people really added to the festive mood and I was lucky enough to be there to soak it all up. Thank you's go out to Ee Leen and Yen Ping who brought me around Edinburgh to see the sights when I was there, and Aunty Mary's family (including Aunty Mary herself) for having me over for both Christmas dinner and New Year lunch.

Other than that, my bookshelf is now filled thanks to some much welcomed Christmas shopping. Am starting to understand what retail therapy is all about now haha. I haven't gotten to reading all of the stuff that I bought, but quality books were just going at amazing prices, as well as original DVDs, and I couldn't pass up the chance to grab myself a few. With some luck, and even more time to boot, I'll be able to have some good times in bed with a good novel or two. A long winter coat to combat the cold basically rounded up my Christmas shopping, and I hope people are satisfied with the gifts that I sent out =) Oh and since my birthday's just around the corner, I decided to splurge (sorry mum and dad!) on a new (literally) shiny phone for myself and a brand new contract with Vodafone. It's the HTC Touch Pro, which is really a feature packed monster for nerds like me to ogle over and put to good use. By some cruel twist of fate, the phone can't be used yet until Vodafone ports my number over from T-Mobile on Wednesday, but initial testing suggests that it's going to be a good buy. Yes, it does not have a minimalist design, nor is it as thin and light as the iPhone, but it makes up for it by being better features-wise and having a full-fledged slideout QWERTY keyboard. The TouchFlo 3D interface is amazing, and being able to move between tabs seamlessly is just such a treat. I didn't expect a phone running Windows to be able to launch programs and such without much of a lag time; Unlike the iPhone, mods and tweaks are readily available and are all free, which means I can customise my Touch Pro to my heart's content! The front panel IS a fingerprint magnet though, and you can't really use it without a decent screen protector in place in fear of scratching the gorgeous touchscreen, but the phone does come prepacked with one, which is a sign that the developers have already anticipated this problem.

Anyhow, I think that it's about time I go to bed. Nothing really significant here, just an update about my life. A more thought-provoking post should be on its way soon once i find the time to put some words down. Good night everybody! And hopefully everybody has a good year ahead!~Zhongy~

You can take from every experience what it has to offer you. And you cannot be defeated if you just keep taking one breath followed by another.~Oprah Winfrey

P/S Debbie if you're reading this, your sis and you deserve credit for the recipe haha =)


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