"God is Love" (1 John 4:8)

Vineeta

12/09/2009

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

- Neil Gaiman


Neil Gaiman, you are absolutely right.


Because I felt that way when I was in love. It twisted my insides out. It left me open to a stranger. The vulnerability, the insecurity, dragged me down to my knees. It left me afraid and lost.

But, it was also one of the most magical and uplifting moments in my life. I had somebody who could reach into my heart by just looking into my eyes. I could feel safe in his warm embrace. An embrace which melted the defenses I built for years. I could finally share who I really am, without the fear of being judged. I had somebody who accepted me for who I really was. Better yet, not only accept my flaws, but saw it as something beautiful. Cliche, no? But I think the most cliche statements, are often true and well, honest.


I loved who I was when I was with the person whom I loved. I love how he made me feel. I love how I found myself.


But personally, I think the best part about being in love was what it taught me. I learnt how to love unconditionally. I learnt to be acceptive of things, not only tolerant. I learnt to be more giving. I learnt to be more understanding. I learnt so much about myself than I ever did before I found love. I learnt that there was more to life.

I had a purpose. Life had a meaning. And that was to continue embracing love, and to love others.


Vulnerable? Of course. It is a price to pay for sharing yourself with others. It is the risk you need to take in exchange for that magical feeling. The one that makes you smile silly over the silliest thing. The one that fulfils the inner gap in you. The one that makes you believe that "Hey, life is beautiful."

And life is about choices. Life is about making choices. And with choices, comes risk. We risk something when we choose a certain option and from the other options we did not choose. (Opportunity cost? : ) ) So, if we choose to be happy, we need to forgo our negative thoughts. We probably need to change the way we think. Same, if we choose to stay within the lonely comfort of these walls we built within us, we risk not feeling love, and perhaps not being happy.


Of course, we can choose to live a life, devoid of love. It'll be exactly just that, in the strictest biological sense. We breathe, eat, sleep, move, living every hour till the very last minute of the very last breath drawn.; feeling almost nothing. Devoid from love and any other emotions/feelings. So as long as I don't feel this pain, I don't mind not feeling happiness anymore. It's mechanical. It's purposeless. Because we fear of getting hurt, we shield ourselves from things like love. We stop taking chances. It's amazing how far we would go just to run away from pain. Including, forgoing to live life where we have a reason to wake up in the morning, where we breathe in sweet life, and let the warm wind flirt with our cheeks, as the sunshine kisses our forehead and when the raindrops cloak us in loving embrace. Live life as if there is this great amount of colors waiting to burst out from you, whereby there is a happy skippy-springy momentum with every step you take and that your smile.. when your smile actually externalize the bliss in your heart.


If love is a "soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain", love is also bliss. A true bliss, the one that makes everything seem worthwhile. It is the reason why we're here.

But anyways, love isn't the pain. Love does not throw you into the abyss of darkness. The lover does. The rejection. The deceit. Not love.

And even though, the lover may not be forever, but Love is eternal.


Because love is all-encompassing.


Love is patient.
Love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
- Corinthians 13:1-13



And the more I think about it, the more I realized that the "dragging to my knees", the teachings, the fulfilment that I was fortunate enough to experience being in love? Was not actually, entirely, because of love. But it was because of the lover. Whom I was receptive of, because of love. Love came with him. He brought love with him. He was my teacher for that period in my life. And even though, we have come to our separate ways, it does not mean we stopped loving each other. It doesn't mean that because we do not end up in holy matrimony and in a fairy-tale-like eternal happy ending, that our love has failed. Because it did not. It served its purpose. Because in the end, it made us better beings. It helped shape our maturity to face the world and to prepare us for our next true love. Just because we are not involved romantically anymore, it does not mean, what we had was fake. Because I know for a fact that he was my first true love. And I am so ever thankful for that.

In the end, we learnt what we were meant to learn. And the love we shared was a bonus that came with the lessons.


So despite it all, despite how you may think love or the lover could make you feel, could "hold you hostage" and rob you of who you are, I think, that love actually helps you discover who you really are. And at this point, I mean it as love with your lover, with your parents, with your friends, with God.


So Mr. Gaiman, here is where I differ from you. Because I love LOVE.