The folly of mistaking a paradox for a discovery, a metaphor for a proof, a torrent of verbiage for a spring of capital truths, and oneself for an oracle, is inborn in us.~Paul Valery
I apologise for the lack of updates. MNight commitments coupled with my usual Course assignment workload have deprived me of any time for leisure or indeed, most of my sleeping hours. I feel like one of the walking dead these days, especially when I need to wake up for 9 am lectures every day except for Friday to a full day of work.
Yes, my birthday was spent working. No, it wasn't the most birthday-y thing to do, but seriously there's not much choice in missing important lectures or MNight practices since the event is just two weeks away. Still, I really appreciate the phone calls, Facebook walls, texts, MSN messages and blogpost which came in over the few days wishing me 'Happy Birthday'. These wishes have become invaluable now especially since I'm swamped with work and need other things to just keep stuff off my mind when I finally get a chance to rest. There was a digital singing of Happy Birthday through Skype from home, since it was also my dad's birthday, and pictures of the cake which I won't get to taste. But overall, it's all good. Hopefully I'll have time after the 7th of February to actually chill out a bit more and have some time to myself to do what I like. Look out for more frequent updates after that too as my workload is (hopefully) reduced.
Birthday this year was made even more eventful by the inauguration of Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States of America just a day before. I missed the live telecast of it because of lecture but watched the entire event on CNN after that. His speech once again enhances his reputation as an excellent orator and it all boils down to whether he can 'walk the talk' now. However it cannot be denied that his campaign has been a beacon of hope to the people of America and the world. With it though, comes enormous expectations, primarily to mediate the conflict in the Middle East, the Gaza situation and to tackle the current economic crisis. The coming months will be a great test of Obama's character and his ability to lead as the most powerful person in the world. To read his stirring speech please look at the previous post before this.
The first day of Chinese New Year was spent pretty much the same way, but I did cook 长寿面 or 'mee sua' for lunch with a couple of friends. It's tradition for a Hokkien like me to eat it during the first day of Chinese New Year as it symbolises longevity. Considering that it was the first time ever that I've actually done it, I'm quite pleased that it turned out to be quite authentic. It's fairly easy to prepare too so I suppose it'll be a good alternative to just cooking plain rice with dishes in the future. Nothing beats having hot soup in the cold weather, but it is gradually getting warmer now. SPRING IS COMING! The first of the seasons has always been taken as a sign of good things to come and hopefully it will bring good tidings to all of us. There won't be any ang paus nor traditional CNY cookies around myself, but at the very least the Asian societies on campus are organising events to try and bring the CNY atmosphere to Chinese students. There is no place like home, especially during festive seasons, but steamboats, Chinese dinners and lion dance will go a long way in curing the homesickness. Calling family and friends on a 'YES' card helps too, and I'm happy to have had a long chat with some people who I have not met for a loooonnnnggggggg time.
Even after 19 years, I'm still struggling with my identity of who and what I am. Now in university, it is even more difficult to compare yourself against others, since how good you actually are is probably relative to how well the others in your course actually do. In a course of 350, there is no way to actually know where you stand, and what motivates a person is probably the desire to just be the best and do the best he or she can. But what if the best is not enough? It's fair to say that despite having a pretty flexible timetable where people can choose the amount of work they do to suit themselves (there is of course a minimum for this), the Mathematics department drives us pretty hard in terms of lectures, assignments, tests and exams. In a sense, you feel that you're in a one man race to beat the system, rather than the other 349 undergrads sitting around you because frankly, you just don't have the time to give a damn. Get in and get out in 3 years. By the time you finish you should be pretty good at Mathematics if you survive; IF you survive... Aihhhh... No rest for the wicked I guess... or for the Mathmos at least..
And while survival isn't hard enough, I have always questioned my intentions for doing things. Sometimes it feels like I am living for other people, not for myself; Yet paradoxically, I do things for others probably to put my own conscience to bed. I can't live with guilt, and if things weigh heavily on my mind I need to deal with it. There is always the question of whether I have given my all in all that I do. It is good that I am doing what I want now, as that naturally gives me more motivation to pursue things to the end. But at the same time, I'm struggling to fulfil the conflicting interests of mine. There is never enough time to sit down and write a blogpost, curl up in a chair to read a novel, whip up a good meal, play some tennis, put in a good enough effort into my assignments and attend other social stuff. Time limits my choices and forces me to prioritise, and with it comes a guilt for neglecting some of the stuff that I have meant to do for a long time. I'm finally going to pick up the racquet again tomorrow after 4 months of inactivity, and in these 4 months I've been trying to convince myself that doing Aikido twice a week helps keep me fit. It doesn't, and I'm not convinced that it does either. Looking back, I probably didn't do half of the things I wanted or meant to do because of commitments elsewhere. This does come with a good side though. The freedom of choice in university means I am much better at choosing stuff which I'm sure I can make sufficient contribution in, and not waste time on stuff which I just can't be bothered to make an effort towards. Otherwise my guilt will start biting at me again, and it hurts. There are times when I do feel like giving up everything just to have an uneventful day of leisure, but at the same time I can't live with inactivity. Not doing anything makes me weary, though too much work eats into my personal time which I would rather spend with people close to my heart. I am guilty of neglecting some of my family and best friends, nevertheless in my current predicament it is perhaps unavoidable, but believe me I do try my best, and will always be here if anybody needs me.
Perhaps all of this is just self-justification for what I do. I don't know. I just felt like letting it out for once. At least this is how I think about it, and how I approach my daily routine. People are free to interpret it as it is. As long as it doesn't break me, I am happy to go on like this until something, or somebody changes my mind. It might not amount to much, but at least I'll be able to live with myself.~Zhongy~
How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light.~Barry Lopez
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