Now fades the last long streak of snow,
Now burgeons every maze of quick
About the flowering squares, and thick
By ashen roots the violets blow.
~ Alfred, Lord Tennyson
And as the third week of the term passes by, I am still not really settled down into a proper routine in Warwick. Sure, Orientation week was fun, the first few weeks of studying were hectic, and London was wonderful, but amongst it all, there are still doubts of whether I really belong here. I question whether I've made the right decisions, taking the steps that I did. If I knew that it was going to be like that, would I have come here to where I am now?
The 'honeymoon' period's over. It's time to sit down and work, for real. When at times I just want to push away everything and just lie down to enjoy the clear blue sky, I find that I have already filled up my diary with classes and things to do to divert my attentions from these feelings. When everything's all gloomy, sometimes it's better to just keep yourself occupied with one thing or another before I sink into depression. But the workload I have now just overwhelms me. I guess rushing to classes every hour or so is just not my style of studying, but it was my own decision to take up so many modules. They all sounded so interesting and warranted a try at least. And now that I've been to the lectures, I can't bear not knowing more about these optional modules. Instead I'm wishing that I could drop some of the core ones. Some of the things are just repeated A Levels stuff and are just so boring to go through again. I miss Mr. Finch. I miss sitting in his office doing math questions together and having an intelligent conversation. I miss my double math class where almost every lesson was a joke, AND we still got the grades. University life is just so much more hectic then what I'm used to. 25 hours a week of lectures now seems so much compared to the 40 I use to do back home.
I guess university life is just another learning process (which incidentally, it should be...). There are stuff that you just need to take care of yourself, and I don't mean household chores. I don't mind cooking, doing laundry and cleaning out my room. But I mind not having time on my own for myself and for people close to me. E-mailing and Skype seems a pain now compared to last time when it was easy to just pick up the phone to make a call or we could just talk face-to-face. Now I have to check my schedule and make appointments. It seems so difficult just to do something random, like out of the blue... when I feel like it... Sure, I have the freedom to skip lectures and all, but somehow you'd feel obliged to go for them, even if I know I'd most likely fall asleep half way through the lecture... I miss being able to curl up in a big arm chair to read an exciting novel, or just laze in bed all day thinking about nothing. Maybe I should just go catch a movie some time. I need to release some tension and stress... that is, IF I can find the time to catch a movie. I'm envious of all you people in London who have the time to catch plays and theatre and stuff... I'm so near Stratford-upon-Avon but can't find the time to visit the Royal Shakespeare Company... Ishhh... I guess I'll catch one the next time I go to London or something...
I know I'm being sentimental again... I like to say that it's sentimental, which sounds so much nicer than 'emo'. I wish there would be time where we could just sit around a table in Starbucks and sip ice-blended coffee while chatting about the good 'ole times. I miss lying in someone else's bed and just enjoying the presence of the other person in my company. I miss the times when I could just do something when I feel like it. I don't want to be trapped by petty things such as schedules and timetables. I feel like re-decorating my room so that it feels more cosy.
I miss feeling invincible. I really do, and I miss you...
、
。
For winter's rains and ruins are over,
And all the season of snows and sins;
The days dividing lover and lover,
The light that loses, the night that wins;
And time remembered is grief forgotten,
And frosts are slain and flowers begotten,
And in green underwood and cover
Blossom by blossom the spring begins.
~ Algernon Charles Swinburne
~Zhongy~
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