~Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have.~
and so I quote from author Doris Mortman. I think at this point it's pointless (forgive the pun) to ponder on what could have been. Let the past stay in the past, and look towards the future, that's what important now I guess.
Still, making peace with myself haven't really been easy. If you think about it, I've probably missed out on a lot of stuff which could really had made a difference in my life. It's hard to imagine that in just two years, I would have missed out on so many windows of opportunities which might have changed who I am and how I turn out later. Starting with my SPM results, the various scholarships after that, Cambridge, the ten US universities, more scholarship applications and my seemingly hit and miss math results. Sure by getting into Warwick University with 4 As you can say that I was luckier than most, but looking down the list I wonder if instead of tasting excellence I have actually only scaled the pinnacle of mediocrity. There are certainly more misses than hits on the list and I'll be lying if I said I didn't care, because all these would have (directly or indirectly) involved the people around me. One can only say 'Ah, that's life sometimes' only once too many before doubts and feelings of dread sets in. Am I stuck here? At this level? If yes, then why the hell should I be pushing harder if I'm already at my limits? Did I make the correct choice?
All this questions will remain unresolved until the end. I wouldn't believe anybody who gave me answers anyway. Therein lies the catch -- Too proud to believe in the undesirable outcomes, and the sheer naivety to think that things will always turn out for the best. I've never been a believer in destiny, but sometimes 'insya allah' or 'God has His plan for everybody' seems like very tempting excuses for my shortcomings.
I think if I go on with this emo tone people will start thinking that I'm some ungrateful bastard. 4As man, 4As... Still the breakdown wasn't fantastic; in fact, far from it. C in FP3 was far from what I could have done, and you would have thought I would've learnt my lesson after the S2 farce. AND considering the fact that I'm doing a math degree in uni, and there you have it. Mr. Finch was visibly disappointed, to say the least, so was Mr. Dickman, and I am too. No, getting an overall A for Further Math is no consolation, as Pure Math was by far my favourite math class. I could stomach the B for S3, but not FP3. Sure, blame the 'emotional turmoil', but I should have had my mind conditioned on exam sharpness during that time. Kevin and Alvin kicked my ass in Further Math of course, with amazing scores in all of their modules, and a very big 'congratulations' to them. It's alright Kev, you won, and I'm not bitter or anything =) In a race like this it's the person who perseveres to the end who deserves to win, not somebody who breaks down near the finish line. But on the bright side, I did incredibly well for my Eng. Lit., which comes as a welcomed surprise. It's the subject that I put the most effort into, and I'm very pleased that it paid off better than I expected. Hopefully when the Physics breakdown comes it'll be fine too.
I'll be leaving on September the 19th on a 10:15 a.m. MAS direct flight to Heathrow, London, and I have a feeling I'm going to miss a lot of things and people in Malaysia. Still, this is an opportunity that I have been waiting for some time now and we'll see just where it leads me in the end. For this one month, it'll be one for goodbyes and farewells and 'may we meet again's, and I have a feeling we shall...~Zhongy~
Edit: Included the link for a reply post from Kevin:
http://www.kevindickman.blogspot.com/2008/08/quotes.html. So thankful for the replies and feedback I got for this post. Thank you everybody =)
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