Reflection
Christina Aguilera
Disney's Mulan Soundtrack
Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you’ll never know me
Every day, is as if I play apart
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I can not fool
My heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
I am now
In a world where I have to
Hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What’s inside my heart
And be loved for who I am
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don’t know?
Must I pretend that i’m
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
There’s a heart that must
Be free to fly
That burns with a need
To know the reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel
Must there be a secret me
I’m forced to hide?
I won’t pretend that i’m
Someone else
For all time
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?
Having pretty much excess of time on my hands, I felt that it was an apt opportunity for some reflection. It's got something to do with me being emo these days so, well it's good to reflect upon yourself once in a while. That's why I decided to start off this post with this beautiful song from Mulan. I'm not a big fan of Christina Aguilera but this song always seem to strike a chord with me when I'm feeling particularly lost...
Those people who have known me a long time might have remember that I used to have my MSN nick as 'The Schizophrenic Prodigy'. That must have been like when I was Form 3, or Form 4? Anyway thinking back to those times, I guess I was still trying to find my own self, my identity, hence the 'schizophrenic' moniker. At that time I was always so full of emotions which wasn't reigned in by common sense. It was like a maelstrom of different sensations, and it was so difficult to focus on a single, solid form as my own. I was showing different moods, different faces and different reactions to all the different things in life, slowly coming out of my shell and just trying to identify with myself. I can recall writing essays which just flowed with rhetoric (READ: NO SUBSTANCE) and angst. Looking back at those times I realise that I was probably very immature, allowing myself to be carried away by emotions when writing simple factual or discussion essays. It was flashy, shallow and redundant; like an extremist preacher harping on nonsense. Sure there were some simple examples, which by the standards at that time must have seemed deep, and because of my broad vocabulary must have made me seem mature at that time. But looking back, I guess I wasn't focused enough; a writer without direction or subtlety, lacking class or reason. But now having moved to the pre-uni stage of my life, I realise that I have been able to focus on who I wish to be more concretely, slowly rooting out and assimilating all my different sides into a much more concentrated, intense me. It wasn't really a re-invention of myself but rather more of a clarification of who I really am. A good metaphor to use here would be the focusing of a spectrum into white light through a prism, only that it's not that perfect yet, hence my present nick, 'Quiescent Sojourner'. Things have pretty much crystallised now, and I'm very much less unpredictable than before. I still have mood swings sometimes, alternating between my normal, cheerful self and my emo side, which is not that bad; like Jekyll and Hyde with a twist, if you know what I mean =) I'm also able to reign in most of my emotions now, which makes for subtler writing and less rhetoric. Most of the credit must go to my GP and English Literature classes, which I feel have really improved my writing style. I think a more restrained tone represents a certain degree of maturity, and hopefully that would hold me in good stead. It's not that I can't do rhetoric anymore, just that it seems so undignified now.
Despite this paradigm shift, I think there are a few traits that people will always recognise in me no matter how much I change. My seemingly unflappable confidence, which is sometimes perceived as downright cockiness, for one, has I think, become a 'trademark' of mine. Blame it on playing too much competitive tennis, but I have always believed that to perform at one's highest capabilities, one have to have supreme confidence in one's own abilities, especially when the stakes are high and the pressure mounting. You have to believe first, before you're able to do it. Couple that with a never-say-die stubborn attitude and the 'just-try-your-best-and-things-will-turn-out-fine-and-if-not-the-result-doesn't-matter' mentality, and basically you've got my work ethic. In retrospect it's pretty much a sporting approach to my work but hey, you don't change a pretty much winning formula if it works for you right? The downside is that sometimes I come across as being a complete stuck-up, over-confident and irresponsible brat =) I've grown used to that perception which I admit, has some figment of truth in it, but I actually find it quite amusing (and sometimes I DO exploit this perception :P) that people find me so shallow. Really, it's like calling every blonde a bimbo, and sometimes it happens to comical effect =D
Most people should already notice this, but I'll just mention it. I'm deeply sentimental and somewhat vague and secretive. I always take people and relationships very seriously, and I'm quite picky with who I choose to trust with what stuff; something like an Internet firewall with multiple filters and multiple access levels. Deeds and favours are not easily forgotten, and I will always try my best to make up for it. Questions are often met with answers like 'ok', 'yea', 'fine' which if you think about it, don't really mean anything. I get complains all the time about being too vague or general with answers but I assure you, it's more of a habit than trying to gloss over the details. Sometimes I'm just too lazy or can't be bothered to elaborate upon details, which I think have cost me a bit in interviews :( I sometimes feel that some things are better expressed when I'm writing though, so that's why I keep this blog. Still, there are things which are best kept to myself, and those are better guarded than the crown jewels. Am a great fan of double meanings, innuendos and cultural references, which litter around all of my writings and sometimes when I talk. Unfortunately this does not stop me from feeling the effects of these secrets though, and I can be a tad too sentimental about my memories and emotions. It's not too difficult to surmise as my playlist is packed with 'jiwang' ballads and that my posts here are pretty emotional, yet betraying no facts. Just like Pam said, I can be 'damn freaking emo' but that's just because I take my emotions more seriously than most other people.
Surprisingly, my thinking is very much influenced by Oriental culture, particularly Chinese and Japanese. Most of the principles I subscribe to, and philosophies which I believe in can find its roots from Chinese and Japanese traditional thinking. That's not to say that I am conservative though; I'm actually quite liberal. However I always think that it is important to preserve a certain culture within an environment because it would give birth to ethics and moral principles. A world without tradition or values would end up being methodical and boring, eventually losing its spiritual meaning of existence. The Romantics' idea of a well-rounded human being can easily be extended to become a well-rounded society, which is what I constantly work towards, and I always try to find a deeper, spiritual meaning in what I do. Despite this I am not religious, though I am fundamentally a Buddhist. I have always found organised religion to be too dogmatic and a little too quick to pass judgement on others. To quote Voltaire, 'God is a circle whose centre is everywhere and circumference nowhere'. Therefore I find it easier to let whoever is up there lead the way. I believe in the existence of a Supreme Being, just that I don't think he would take the trouble to interfere in all our lives, much less decide what we do with it.
So where do I go from here? A sojourner will always find a place to stay in the end, so I hope that I would be able to do the same when the time comes for me to settle down a little more. I'm already classified as a 'stable' substance in my U6 Periodic Mizdemeanour Table, so I guess it won't be too long before I find who I am. Until then, the journey must go on, and all roads will finally converge in the end...~Zhongy~
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