Fall For You
Secondhand Serenade
A Twist In My Story
The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core
But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find
This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed
But I have loved you from the start
Ohhhh
But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
It's impossible
So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in
I'm yours to keep
And hold onto your words
'Cause talk is cheap
And remember me tonight
When you're asleep
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find
Going to Seremban in a while for Kev's birthday party so I won't be around for the weekend. BBQ yesterday was a blast! Big thank you to all my standard six classmates who made it a memorable evening and Chia Jie for the cake ;P Chocolate Indulgence, mmmmmm.... haha. Anyhow I'm leaving sooooooooonnnnnnnnnn...... Meet up, people, MEET UP!!!!~Zhongy~
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Monday, 18 August 2008
~Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have.~
and so I quote from author Doris Mortman. I think at this point it's pointless (forgive the pun) to ponder on what could have been. Let the past stay in the past, and look towards the future, that's what important now I guess.
Still, making peace with myself haven't really been easy. If you think about it, I've probably missed out on a lot of stuff which could really had made a difference in my life. It's hard to imagine that in just two years, I would have missed out on so many windows of opportunities which might have changed who I am and how I turn out later. Starting with my SPM results, the various scholarships after that, Cambridge, the ten US universities, more scholarship applications and my seemingly hit and miss math results. Sure by getting into Warwick University with 4 As you can say that I was luckier than most, but looking down the list I wonder if instead of tasting excellence I have actually only scaled the pinnacle of mediocrity. There are certainly more misses than hits on the list and I'll be lying if I said I didn't care, because all these would have (directly or indirectly) involved the people around me. One can only say 'Ah, that's life sometimes' only once too many before doubts and feelings of dread sets in. Am I stuck here? At this level? If yes, then why the hell should I be pushing harder if I'm already at my limits? Did I make the correct choice?
All this questions will remain unresolved until the end. I wouldn't believe anybody who gave me answers anyway. Therein lies the catch -- Too proud to believe in the undesirable outcomes, and the sheer naivety to think that things will always turn out for the best. I've never been a believer in destiny, but sometimes 'insya allah' or 'God has His plan for everybody' seems like very tempting excuses for my shortcomings.
I think if I go on with this emo tone people will start thinking that I'm some ungrateful bastard. 4As man, 4As... Still the breakdown wasn't fantastic; in fact, far from it. C in FP3 was far from what I could have done, and you would have thought I would've learnt my lesson after the S2 farce. AND considering the fact that I'm doing a math degree in uni, and there you have it. Mr. Finch was visibly disappointed, to say the least, so was Mr. Dickman, and I am too. No, getting an overall A for Further Math is no consolation, as Pure Math was by far my favourite math class. I could stomach the B for S3, but not FP3. Sure, blame the 'emotional turmoil', but I should have had my mind conditioned on exam sharpness during that time. Kevin and Alvin kicked my ass in Further Math of course, with amazing scores in all of their modules, and a very big 'congratulations' to them. It's alright Kev, you won, and I'm not bitter or anything =) In a race like this it's the person who perseveres to the end who deserves to win, not somebody who breaks down near the finish line. But on the bright side, I did incredibly well for my Eng. Lit., which comes as a welcomed surprise. It's the subject that I put the most effort into, and I'm very pleased that it paid off better than I expected. Hopefully when the Physics breakdown comes it'll be fine too.
I'll be leaving on September the 19th on a 10:15 a.m. MAS direct flight to Heathrow, London, and I have a feeling I'm going to miss a lot of things and people in Malaysia. Still, this is an opportunity that I have been waiting for some time now and we'll see just where it leads me in the end. For this one month, it'll be one for goodbyes and farewells and 'may we meet again's, and I have a feeling we shall...~Zhongy~
Edit: Included the link for a reply post from Kevin:
http://www.kevindickman.blogspot.com/2008/08/quotes.html. So thankful for the replies and feedback I got for this post. Thank you everybody =)
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Monday, 11 August 2008
Some things in this life you just can't have,
No matter how much you work for it, wish for it,
Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.
You accept it, you know you can't change it,
But that doesn't stop you from being sad about it...
Different people have different priorities,
But in the end, what we all want is the same.
It's just that some are cherished more than others,
and in the end you sacrifice the rest for those which are most important.
Take what you have now with both hands, cherish it,
Because tomorrow it might not be there anymore,
And it might never come back again after that...
Be brave, be vigilant,
Trust...
...And believe...
~Zhongy~
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Tuesday, 5 August 2008
Reflection
Christina Aguilera
Disney's Mulan Soundtrack
Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you’ll never know me
Every day, is as if I play apart
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I can not fool
My heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
I am now
In a world where I have to
Hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What’s inside my heart
And be loved for who I am
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don’t know?
Must I pretend that i’m
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
There’s a heart that must
Be free to fly
That burns with a need
To know the reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel
Must there be a secret me
I’m forced to hide?
I won’t pretend that i’m
Someone else
For all time
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?
Having pretty much excess of time on my hands, I felt that it was an apt opportunity for some reflection. It's got something to do with me being emo these days so, well it's good to reflect upon yourself once in a while. That's why I decided to start off this post with this beautiful song from Mulan. I'm not a big fan of Christina Aguilera but this song always seem to strike a chord with me when I'm feeling particularly lost...
Those people who have known me a long time might have remember that I used to have my MSN nick as 'The Schizophrenic Prodigy'. That must have been like when I was Form 3, or Form 4? Anyway thinking back to those times, I guess I was still trying to find my own self, my identity, hence the 'schizophrenic' moniker. At that time I was always so full of emotions which wasn't reigned in by common sense. It was like a maelstrom of different sensations, and it was so difficult to focus on a single, solid form as my own. I was showing different moods, different faces and different reactions to all the different things in life, slowly coming out of my shell and just trying to identify with myself. I can recall writing essays which just flowed with rhetoric (READ: NO SUBSTANCE) and angst. Looking back at those times I realise that I was probably very immature, allowing myself to be carried away by emotions when writing simple factual or discussion essays. It was flashy, shallow and redundant; like an extremist preacher harping on nonsense. Sure there were some simple examples, which by the standards at that time must have seemed deep, and because of my broad vocabulary must have made me seem mature at that time. But looking back, I guess I wasn't focused enough; a writer without direction or subtlety, lacking class or reason. But now having moved to the pre-uni stage of my life, I realise that I have been able to focus on who I wish to be more concretely, slowly rooting out and assimilating all my different sides into a much more concentrated, intense me. It wasn't really a re-invention of myself but rather more of a clarification of who I really am. A good metaphor to use here would be the focusing of a spectrum into white light through a prism, only that it's not that perfect yet, hence my present nick, 'Quiescent Sojourner'. Things have pretty much crystallised now, and I'm very much less unpredictable than before. I still have mood swings sometimes, alternating between my normal, cheerful self and my emo side, which is not that bad; like Jekyll and Hyde with a twist, if you know what I mean =) I'm also able to reign in most of my emotions now, which makes for subtler writing and less rhetoric. Most of the credit must go to my GP and English Literature classes, which I feel have really improved my writing style. I think a more restrained tone represents a certain degree of maturity, and hopefully that would hold me in good stead. It's not that I can't do rhetoric anymore, just that it seems so undignified now.
Despite this paradigm shift, I think there are a few traits that people will always recognise in me no matter how much I change. My seemingly unflappable confidence, which is sometimes perceived as downright cockiness, for one, has I think, become a 'trademark' of mine. Blame it on playing too much competitive tennis, but I have always believed that to perform at one's highest capabilities, one have to have supreme confidence in one's own abilities, especially when the stakes are high and the pressure mounting. You have to believe first, before you're able to do it. Couple that with a never-say-die stubborn attitude and the 'just-try-your-best-and-things-will-turn-out-fine-and-if-not-the-result-doesn't-matter' mentality, and basically you've got my work ethic. In retrospect it's pretty much a sporting approach to my work but hey, you don't change a pretty much winning formula if it works for you right? The downside is that sometimes I come across as being a complete stuck-up, over-confident and irresponsible brat =) I've grown used to that perception which I admit, has some figment of truth in it, but I actually find it quite amusing (and sometimes I DO exploit this perception :P) that people find me so shallow. Really, it's like calling every blonde a bimbo, and sometimes it happens to comical effect =D
Most people should already notice this, but I'll just mention it. I'm deeply sentimental and somewhat vague and secretive. I always take people and relationships very seriously, and I'm quite picky with who I choose to trust with what stuff; something like an Internet firewall with multiple filters and multiple access levels. Deeds and favours are not easily forgotten, and I will always try my best to make up for it. Questions are often met with answers like 'ok', 'yea', 'fine' which if you think about it, don't really mean anything. I get complains all the time about being too vague or general with answers but I assure you, it's more of a habit than trying to gloss over the details. Sometimes I'm just too lazy or can't be bothered to elaborate upon details, which I think have cost me a bit in interviews :( I sometimes feel that some things are better expressed when I'm writing though, so that's why I keep this blog. Still, there are things which are best kept to myself, and those are better guarded than the crown jewels. Am a great fan of double meanings, innuendos and cultural references, which litter around all of my writings and sometimes when I talk. Unfortunately this does not stop me from feeling the effects of these secrets though, and I can be a tad too sentimental about my memories and emotions. It's not too difficult to surmise as my playlist is packed with 'jiwang' ballads and that my posts here are pretty emotional, yet betraying no facts. Just like Pam said, I can be 'damn freaking emo' but that's just because I take my emotions more seriously than most other people.
Surprisingly, my thinking is very much influenced by Oriental culture, particularly Chinese and Japanese. Most of the principles I subscribe to, and philosophies which I believe in can find its roots from Chinese and Japanese traditional thinking. That's not to say that I am conservative though; I'm actually quite liberal. However I always think that it is important to preserve a certain culture within an environment because it would give birth to ethics and moral principles. A world without tradition or values would end up being methodical and boring, eventually losing its spiritual meaning of existence. The Romantics' idea of a well-rounded human being can easily be extended to become a well-rounded society, which is what I constantly work towards, and I always try to find a deeper, spiritual meaning in what I do. Despite this I am not religious, though I am fundamentally a Buddhist. I have always found organised religion to be too dogmatic and a little too quick to pass judgement on others. To quote Voltaire, 'God is a circle whose centre is everywhere and circumference nowhere'. Therefore I find it easier to let whoever is up there lead the way. I believe in the existence of a Supreme Being, just that I don't think he would take the trouble to interfere in all our lives, much less decide what we do with it.
So where do I go from here? A sojourner will always find a place to stay in the end, so I hope that I would be able to do the same when the time comes for me to settle down a little more. I'm already classified as a 'stable' substance in my U6 Periodic Mizdemeanour Table, so I guess it won't be too long before I find who I am. Until then, the journey must go on, and all roads will finally converge in the end...~Zhongy~
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Saturday, 2 August 2008
After everything, can we really be friends again? It's been so many years, and yet some things don't heal completely with time... Memories fade, but what changed will probably stay the same... I guess we should just try our best and see what happens... Haih... So confused... How are we suppose to make up for so much lost time?~Zhongy~
Leave Out All The Rest
Linkin Park
Minutes To Midnight
I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are
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Friday, 1 August 2008
Finally got my laptop sorted out and I'm officially back online =) It feels good to be connected to the grid again and I'm back in the stride =)
Unfortunately, I couldn't salvage quite a bit of data, some which bore immense sentimental value, especially private photos, chat logs and important documents and files. The damage isn't lasting, but it would have been nice to have hanged on to some of these stuff. So I'm going to ask for some help here. If you think I might want to keep a particular photo or file that we share, please send it to my Gmail or through MSN. I lost all my earlier photos so it's very likely you would have something I want ;) Yes I know most of these photos are on Facebook but I know of some which don't get posted on, so please please please do send it on to me. I've given up on trying to recover chat logs but photos should be easier to recover. Oh and Pam can you please bring along your external during Results Day (whenever that is) so that I can get a copy of the Yearbook files for my own records (yes I lost those too. This is assuming you haven't deleted it of course :) I'll bring along my laptop to transfer it straight away. Thanx a lot. It's very much appreciated =)
Nothing much has been happening in the past few days. I went for the Warwick Pre-Departure Reception at PJ Hilton on Tuesday night and it was not bad. They actually got people from the Malaysian Society to come and talk and brief us prospective students so that was very helpful. Noticed that there were actually more girls than guys doing MORSE (Mathematics, Operational Research, Statistics and Economics) which was very very surprising. Not being sexist or anything, but I always thought that math was better left to guys. Guess I was wrong :P Other than that KL was pretty much normal despite the tumultuous political situation that we live in nowadays (or is it because I didn't actually go to KL? Was at the Sunway, Subang Jaya side). Am glad I met Keegan though. We haven't met in ages and it was good fun catching up and chatting over stuff. After two years he's still the same cool guy who plays golf haha.
Results are coming out in two weeks and I'm starting to feel really excited. Need my 4 As!!! Haha but seriously, if I don't get into Warwick, I doubt I'll ever go to UK despite having Imperial as my insurance... It's just too expensive and I dislike staying in megacities like London or even KL. Warwick is kinda ideal for me actually and I doubt that I would actually get bored even without all the 'happening' hotspots around ;) I think, after all that has happened this year until now, 4A's isn't too much to ask for. I'm not actually quietly confident, just optimistically hopeful, and insya Allah, I'll make it to Warwick (insya Allah just seems like such a nice phrase now :) July passed by in a flash and I've not really done much, more like taking my time relaxing around. Have to start preparing the stuff I want to bring, fill in the dreaded visa application form (it's freaking 16 pages!!!) and get some medical tests done so that I don't rush near the end. I think after my results come out it'll be a whirlwind of buying stuff and double (and triple) checking checklists to make sure that I have everything before I go. Oh and let's not forget meeting up with people for one more time before I fly. For those who don't know, I'm flying on the 23rd of September tentatively but this is subject to change to the 19th depending on some... special arrangements...
Spending most of my time in my dad's office now helping the clerks haul paperwork. Hate the monotony of it all but oh well, don't have much of a say in it... The only advantage is that I get to join my dad for meals outside sometimes with his friends and clients (which sometimes makes for interesting conversations) and I get to exploit the streamyx connection for torrenting stuff since nobody ever use it. So I just hog the entire connection to get speeds of 60+ kb/s on the wireless hehe ^-^. Going to try to amass a huge amount of multimedia files before I go to UK as it seems I can't torrent in Warwick :( which sucks but yea, piracy issues. I got a notice warning me against it already so I'll TRY not to flaunt that rule ;P!!!
Two weeks more, and I'm looking forward to seeing all my KTJ friends again. Keep your fingers crossed that everybody ends up happy with their results =) For now, here's another song.
Save You
Simple Plan
Simple Plan
Take a breath, I pull myself together.
Just another step until I reach the door.
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you..
I wish that I could tell you something to take it all away.
Sometimes I wish I could save you,
And there's so many things that I want you to know.
I won't give up 'til it's over.
If it takes you forever, I want you to know..
When I hear your voice,
It's drowning in the whispers.
It's just skin and bones,
There's nothing left to take.
And no matter what I do,
I can't make you feel better.
If only I could find the answer to help me understand..
Sometimes I wish I could save you,
And there's so many things that I want you to know.
I won't give up 'til it's over.
If it takes you forever, I want you to know that..
If you fall, stumble down, I'll pick you up off the ground.
If you lose faith in you, I'll give you strength to pull through.
Tell me you won't give up,
'Cause I'll be waiting if you fall.
You know I'll be there for you.
If only I could find the answer to take it all away..
Sometimes I wish I could save you,
And there's so many things that I want you to know.
I won't give up 'til it's over.
If it takes you forever, I want you to know..
I wish I could save you..
I want you to know..
I wish I could save you..
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