Yea, so I got a perfect score for my Eng. Lit. Frankenstein module.
So what?
It was just luck, plain and simple. As Mr. Suresh said, a fluke. A one-off. It sure as hell doesn't reflect the effort I put into it. If somebody would have told me somebody in our class had perfect score, I would never have thought it would be me. Joanne and Alison would have been the most deserving people for this so-called 'rare' honour. Not me. Never. Apparently somebody out there had different ideas. Guys thank you for all your congratulations, but I don't deserve any of them. The result doesn't prove anything. I'm definitely not the best when it comes to Eng. Lit., and never will be. Period. Alison and Joanne both write better, worked harder and did much more research. They are the ones which really deserve it, not me. So why am the world was I the one who got the perfect score? And does it really matter if I got 90/90? Its still an A, just an A, and not something I'll ever be really proud about, because it all came down to dumb luck, and maybe some really lenient marker. I couldn't even bear to look in Mr. Suresh's face when he congratulated me, nor believe my ears when Mr. Sutherland first told me. It was a statistical mistake, an anomaly, which I don't think, which I HOPE, won't repeat itself again...
What aboout maths? What about all the hours spent in Mr. Finch's office last term? What about the countless rechecking I did during all of my 5 papers? It all ammounted to nothing. Nada. Zip. Zero. Despite all that, I still managed to make careless mistakes after careless mistakes, costing me marks which I shouldn't lose, marks which would have made me happier. If someone told me I could trade my perfect score in Eng. Lit. for a 500 in maths. I would without hestitation. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I would. At least I would know that my hardwork really did pay off, that I can be mistake-free if I want to. I guess that's not the case. What's the point in doing a maths course at university if you can't even see your own mistakes staring in front of you after checking for more than 5 times in an exam? I'm disappointed, and I can't help but feel that Mr. Finch is a little irked as well... Sure he says that these are good results and congratulates me and everything, but it just doesn't feel right... All the time spent, and I make stupid mistakes AND fail to notice them? That's a total letdown. A huge failure, and it hurts big time.
It's illogical that things you work hard for, you fail at it but things which rank low on your list of priorities, you succeed beyond any expectations. It's a cruel joke, but that's always been the case for me. So now does it mean that I have to rely on pure luck to get me through my life, since hardwork doesn't help at all? Strokes of luck, flukes, I'm tired of all these. Why can't I, for once really prove my ability at something? I always have to either exceed my wildest dreams, or fall way short of my own expectations. It's so hard to explain how did I do it when lady luck's on my side, or to give an answer to what happened when I don't do so well... Conclusion? Either I'm seriously underachieving, or I'm an idiot who just got lucky at the right times. Either way, it doesn't help. I'm just so frustrated now with all the nonsense going on with my life. I know some people will die to have results like mine, but the results don't count for anything. At least not to me. I really want to know where I really stand, to know that my hardwork really did pay off, that if I work hard, I can be at least on par with all the real geniuses out there, because I'm not one of them. Because I really want to be as good as them on my own accord...~Zhongy~
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