Three months, that's how long it's been since I've joined KTJ. In a flash, the first term has passed through the front of my eyes. So, what have I gone through in these three months?
Life has certainly been eventful, a roller-coaster ride full of ups and downs, but sadly, if you've noticed in the previous posts, more downs than up. I've settled down easily in the first few weeks, but other problems had certainly thrown a wrench in my wheels. Sometimes, you truly regret some of the things you've done, and you hope for the chance to turn back time to undo it. If not, you pray for a second chance to right your wrong. Through out these seventeen years of my existence, I do not regret most of the things I done. I believe that I've given my best to things that I commit myself to, things that I feel is right. However, the things that I truly regret, I carry with me through out my life. I do not forgive myself easily; confidence is built on the faith in oneself to make the right decisions, do the right things at the right time. In these three months, I've erred, and it has cost me dearly. To me, relationships with others have always been the most cherished, most important thing. Once it is severed, it bites deeply, especially when its because of my own fault. God knows whether I will ever forgive myself, or whether I'll be given a second chance to change things. Please don't tell me to live with it, or let it go; nor pity me for my sorrow and self-blame. Its my fault, and that shadow will haunt me for a while yet. For now, I hope for what little chance of forgiveness, from whom I've erred and from myself, and the opportunity to heal the wounds and start afresh.
People say that some things are just out of your control, and you have to accept it when it comes. Things change, people change, but life still goes on. Knowing me, I've always been stubborn to change, and I'm slow to accept it. Sometimes I wonder if it was really out of my control, if I could have stopped the changes if I tried just a little harder. Yet, another part of me tells me that I shouldn't meddle. I'm in control of only what is truly my own, my life. It is the free-will of others to change theirs, and I'll just have to come to terms with it. I've always tried to resist changes in myself because of my surroundings. I believe the people around you should not play too much a part in your whole perspective of life. Even so, I cannot deny that your surroundings affect that perspective as time passes. I've seen changes in others, and I'm still struggling to accept them. Sometimes the changes are drastic, and it hurts to see such big a difference in someone you've known so well in the past. Other times it is the little things, things that might seem small and insignificant to others, which you feel are much more meaningful, and should have stayed as it is. I do not believe in being forced to change. I feel that it is the person himself/herself which chooses to change according to the surroundings. You might say that I've changed a little too in these three months. Yes, I admit, maybe a little, which the KTJ surroundings had influenced. However I try my best to maintain who I am before I came, and try to change only for the better, and not for the worse. To this end I can only sit by the road side and watch the changes of others, and try not to be too engaged in how their decisions affect me. Please do not forget that your own changes also affect the people around you; and those who are closest feel it the most. I do not resent others for changing, maybe they've also tried their best to stay the same, but yet, it still hurts, to see changes happen which I can't stop.
When you've reached this part of the post, I guess you must be thinking how gloomy my life for the past three months seem to be. I assure you its not all like that, and there are also ups in these three months. However being me, I tend to focus on the downs which hopefully strengthen me and my resolve. But then, material rewards had never really appealed to me. It seem so small when compared to the gratification of the soul. To this end my soul has taken a heavy battering for the past three months, but there are small successes which bring small comfort to the heart. I'll just have to weather the current storm until the sun shines again. Its been comforting to finally see some self-improvement though, and that helps my confidence too. There's no substitute for hard work, so I guess I'll just have to grind away until I get what I want to achieve. Just push myself harder and harder until the limit, then I'll get to where I want to be. Everybody has infinite potential, its how you squeeze it out of you that's hard. Oh well, life's like that. You hold it in your own hands, and everything is within your grasp. It'll be a waste to let it move along just like that, wouldn't it?~Zhongy~
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