Memories Of The Present

The Long Road to Wimbledon

2011-06-26T18:30:00.001+01:00

Because of how difficult it is to get tickets and how it probably won't fit into my schedule in the future, I've decided to get there tomorrow by all means to make the pilgrimage to the spiritual home of tennis at least once before the end of my student life.

I'm going to have to queue for tickets in the morning, and the website recommends that I arrive at the turnstiles at 5.30 am to avoid disappointment. This will allow me to purchase the Ground Pass, which gives access to all of the matches tomorrow except those happening on the show courts. They release only 1500 of those tickets on the day, so gain entry to those means queueing up for a day early, which is something I'm not nearly ready to do yet but maybe I'll get lucky tomorrow, who knows? :)

I'll update this through out from time to time to let people know what's going on. The entire trip hinges on getting to Wimbledon at 5.30 am tomorrow to make sure I don't miss out on tickets, so let this epic journey begin!

The Day Before

5.10 pm - Confirmed reservation at a small hotel near Waterloo. I'll be taking the 0500 train from here to Wimbledon so it's better not to disturb a friends.

5.30 pm - Showered and packed! A change of clothes, cap, toiletries, iPod, camera, chargers, book and water bottle and I'm ready to go! Am trying to catch the 1811 or 1837 train down to London so I can make time for dinner before checking in.

6.00 pm - Arrived at Coventry Rail Station and bought my train tickets. Unfortunately the 1811 train is delayed by 20 minutes. If I knew I wouldn't have rushed so much *grumbles*. Anyhow it's just enough time to grab a snack from the train shop before boarding the train.

6.27 pm - Train finally arrives and I am en route to London Euston! I downloaded the Wimbledon app onto my phone earlier. Should make for some interesting reading along the way :)

7.27 pm - Arrived in London and it's blazing hot! Thank goodness I'm in short pants and have my cap with me. Hopefully this weather lasts until tomorrow! Not a lot of people in the tube, which is surprising, but those who are seem to be working up a nice tan for themselves! Maybe I'll get one too tomorrow :P

9.30 pm - Checked into the hotel and the first thing I noticed was that there was no air con in the room! Opened up the window and hopefully London will cool down later at night. Gonna take a cold shower and watch some news before retiring early tonight. Alarm has been set for 4 am tomorrow. Can't wait!

Game Day

3.00 am - Woke up super early because of the sheer heat in the room. Can't believe London can actually get this hot! Another cold shower and some rolls for breakfast and I'm ready to go. If the weather continues I might need to switch back to short pants for the day!

5.00 am - Arrived at the hallow ground an immediately join the queue. From the looks of things it's going to be a brilliant sunny day with lots of tennis to be played. Let's hope they do the weather justice! Can see the overnight campers starting to stir. Am in the queue with a nice Danish family who's flown in to support Wozniacki. Good luck to her and them!

7 am - Time for a spot of breakfast! The queue's grown to 5 lines now and still growing, surely they can't let everybody in? Can see footballs and frisbees flying around in the far corners of Wimbledon Park, while the stalls start opening for breakfast. Everybody seem to be in good spirits as the stewards start ushering the first campers through to the ticket counter. Hopefully it won't be long now :)

~Zhongy~

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

How Now?

2011-05-16T20:49:00.002+01:00

Sick and bored of studying. Final exams in a week. How now?

Silent Night

2011-01-10T03:21:00.001Z

It's times like these that you know how it really feels to be alone, when all is still and quiet and you yearn for somebody to stay with you and not let the loneliness set in.

This is when I'm at my worse and most vulnerable. This is when I need you most..

Start a fire to keep me warm
Inside your gentle embrace
As I tell you stories of bygone times

Calm me with you whispers,
Your soft breath
As soothing as your gentle caress along my cheeks
While I listen to your steady heartbeat

And slowly the shadows fade,
The pale moon shines
Just a bit brighter
While the stars glitter again
As I ease my way back into the realm of dreams

~Zhongy~

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Why?

2010-12-19T00:39:00.001Z

Because I'm stronger than this, but my best isn't nearly good enough.

Because I want you to shine as brightly as you can, radiant as the sun on a sunny summer morning.

Because you deserve the best there is, perfect in each and every way.

And I am but one in many, and am just glad to watch you grow to so much more..

~Zhongy~

Simple

2010-11-09T02:09:00.002Z

"You know, the most comfortable thing is having people say thank you to me, that's it!"

Maybe that's what sums you up best, and why you'll never be alone.

In any case, a good turn always deserves another :)

~Zhongy~

Don't Work. Avoid Telling the Truth. Be Hated. Love Someone.

2010-11-06T04:57:00.006Z

DON'T WORK. BE HATED. LOVE SOMEONE.

-----
Written by Adrian Tan, author of The Teenage Textbook (1988), was the guest-of-honour at a recent NTU convocation ceremony. This was his speech to the graduating class of 2008.
-----

I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address. It’s a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.

My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.

On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable.

Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.

And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you’ve already won her heart, you don’t need to win every argument.

Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many, many times. Good for you.

The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. You’re done learning.

You’ve probably been told the big lie that “Learning is a lifelong process” and that therefore you will continue studying and taking masters’ degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don’t you think there is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers.

The good news is that they’re wrong.

The bad news is that you don’t need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of you. You’re in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy.

I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people. But I’m here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.

You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There’s very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.

Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom.

So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you’ll have another 40 years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper.

Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they’re 50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn’t meet their life expectancy.

I’m here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy.

After all, it’s calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want to expect being average.

Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.

That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste.

If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don’t need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average.

LIFE'S A MESS.

What you should prepare for is mess. Life’s a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate.

Don’t expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows.

What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over.

Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free.

RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO GET A JOB. INSTEAD, PLAY.

The most important is this: do not work.

Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable.

Work kills. The Japanese have a term “Karoshi”, which means death from overwork. That’s the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there’s nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust.

There’s a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are “making a living”. No, they’re not. They’re dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful.

People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan “Arbeit macht frei” was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense.

Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.

Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself.

I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy it and I would do it for free. If I didn’t do that, I would’ve been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction – probably a sports journalist.

So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don’t imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I’ll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher.

Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don’t, you are working.

Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I’m not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.

In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror.

BE HATED.

I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it’s often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one’s own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.

LOVE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn’t say “be loved”. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one’s looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.

Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We’ve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.

Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn’t happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.
You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.

You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.

Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don’t, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

Don’t work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.

~Zhongy~

需要人陪

2010-11-06T04:44:00.002Z

需要人陪
王力宏
十八般武藝

打開窗戶讓孤單透氣
這一間屋子如此密閉
歡呼聲仍飄在空氣裡
像空無一人一樣華麗

我漸漸失去知覺
就當做是種自我逃避
你飛到天的邊緣
我也不猜落在何地

一個我需要夢想需要方向需要眼淚
更需要一個人來點亮天的黑
我已經無能為力無法抗拒無路可退
這無聲的夜現在的我需要人陪

閉上眼睛就看不清
這雙人床欠缺的溫馨
誰能陪我直到天明
穿透這片迷濛寂靜

我漸漸失去知覺
就當做是種自我逃避
你飛到天的邊緣
我已不猜落在何地

一個我需要夢想需要方向需要眼淚
更需要一個人來點亮天的黑
我已經無能為力無法抗拒無路可退
這無聲的夜現在的我需要人陪

一個我需要夢想需要方向需要眼淚
更需要一個人來點亮天的黑
我已經無能為力無法抗拒無路可退
這無聲的夜現在的我需要人陪

~翼/翔~

Am I Living It Right?

2010-08-22T17:55:00.000+01:00

I remember one of my friends telling me just before I left KTJ, “You’re probably the smartest guy in the whole form, yet you don’t seem to have any future plans or ambition?”

It’s a perfectly valid question, one that my only answer seems to be a shrug of the shoulders.

Another comment from another friend, “You’re really smart Zhong, if only you weren’t so lazy and bothered to study.” I think a big “Ouch” is an appropriate response, seeing that I do make an effort. This is the same friend that might have changed her opinion recently and said, “Don’t worry Zhong, you’re so smart I’m sure you’ll do fine.” Again, a perfectly valid observation; and my response? “Wow, I’m surprised you have sooooooo much faith in me.”

In some sense, it’s not always a good thing to be too smart. Too much of it makes you complacent, makes you lazy. On the other hand, having a certain degree of intelligence means that you’re perfectly self-aware, and it makes you insecure, makes you evaluate yourself based on your own potential.

Then along comes a Catch-22 situation. You’re smart enough to know that you can probably have a pretty decent life living with both eyes closed, functioning on auto-pilot. I mean, why work so hard when you can just chill, make a decent living and have a pretty relaxed life. No need to worry about beating the person sitting next to you, about keeping up lofty standards. Just stay on cruise control for the entire time. No worries, no obstacle too hard. Easy peasy right?

But then that same smartness gets to you. Do you really want to live without having known the true limits of your potential? Without ever tasting the satisfaction of saying, “I’ve done my best”? Always there’s a sense that you might have done enough, but probably could have did better if you bothered to try a bit harder. But it’s tiring, so bothersome to try to live up to your own standards, to other people’s expectations.

In a way, you’re in a constant tug of war between these two personas. There’s no shame in wanting to take the chill pill. After all, the smarter you are, the heavier the expectations. Some might say it’s the higher path, since you are able to see past the vulgarities of life. Nobody wants to be trapped in a rat race forever. But then, can you live with the guilt of never doing yourself justice? Along the way you’re going to disappoint a lot of people, not just yourself, but people who you inevitably care about.

Maybe at the end of the day, it really boils down to whether you want to give a damn or not. “So what?” you say, you didn’t ask for this smartness, blessing or not be damned. But then, we all want to do the best we can right? So how can both paths co-exist at once? Can there really be a best of both worlds? Or maybe really, you do have to make a choice, for better or for worse, and live with that choice. Who can tell?

Suddenly, making the best of your life doesn’t seem so easy after all. Are you really living it right?~Zhongy~

Hold Me Tight, Lest I Falter..

2010-08-17T17:12:00.003+01:00

I am but a lesser man,

A lesser mortal.

Hold me now, closer and tighter;

Let me not fade into the shadows

Like mist and vapour.

Keep me close, lest I disappear;

Your presence grounds me,

Gives me shape and colour.

Please, make me just a little stronger,

It might keep me here

For just a little longer.

~Zhongy~

Speak into the Mirror

2010-06-07T13:33:00.002+01:00

Come Home
OneRepublic
Dreaming Out Loud

Hello world hope you're listening:
forgive me if I'm young
and speaking out of turn.
There's someone I've been missing.
I think that they could be
the better part of me.

They're in their own place trying to make it right
But I'm tired of justifying
so I say to you

Come home, come home,
'cos I've been waiting for you
for so long, so long.
'Cos right now there's a war between the vanities,
and all I see is you and me.
The fight for you is all I've ever known,
so come home.

I get lost in the beauty of everything I see;
The world ain't half as bad as they paint it to be.
If all the sons, all the daughters
stopped to take it in,
well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin.

It might start now,
or maybe I'm just dreaming out loud,
but until then

Come home, come home,
'cos I've been waiting for you
for so long, so long.
'Cos right now there's a war between the vanities,
and all I see is you and me.
The fight for you is all I've ever known,
so come home.

Everything I can't be,
is everything you should be,
and that's why I need you here.
Everything I can't be,
is everything you should be,
and that's why I need you here.
So hear this now

Come home, come home,
'cos I've been waiting for you
for so long, so long.
'Cos right now there's a war between the vanities,
and all I see is you and me.
The fight for you is all I've ever known,
so come home.

When you look in a mirror, what do you see? Do you see the person you can be, the person you want to be, and the person you are now? Maybe life is just a journey to reconcile these three parts of you. But then, can all three become one? We should always be fearful of what we can be, cautious of what we want to be and mindful of what we have become. Suddenly, living life to the fullest doesn't seem to be so easy after all.~Zhongy~

想写字

2010-05-30T14:44:00.004+01:00

字写多了，写字变成不再是无谓的挥笔沾墨，而变成了对自己的一种期待、修养。就如和尚打禅、武士练剑，写字除了是技术的磨练，亦是一种追求“道”的身心修养。

记得最初从胡乱临摹开始，中期开始初窥门径，到后来启发审美观，最后修得自审美德,写字已经变成自己的生活方式，亦也是自己感想的表现。一张宣纸，配上自己挥出的墨韵，反映出来的却是心里最诚实的一面。“玉不琢，不成器；人不学，不知道。”对书道的追求，就像对“仁”、对儒家思想的追求一样，是永恒不尽、令人前进不懈的。渐渐被遗忘的笔触、手感，是能在短短时间里练回来的；但对自己内心的磨练，却是要经过不停地重复、不断地雕塑，以达到更高、更完美的境界。

所以这次暑假最想做的，是写上三个月的字。挥笔，写出自己心中的感觉，磨练出更高尚的自己。

He went like One that Hath been Stunned, and is of Sense Forlorn: A Sadder and a Wiser Man, He Rose the Morrow Morn.

2010-02-04T15:27:00.007Z

In life, there are people who try, and people who don't. Some try and give up, others try and don't succeed. Yet we are all part of an ongoing cycle to achieve what we have set out to do. Sometimes when we throw in the towel, we pin our hopes on those who are still struggling on, who are still fighting to reach the finish line. Other times when we are half way there, we look back and remember the burden that we are shouldered with; not just our own aspirations, but also the aspirations of others who have invariably drifted away. There is a small sense of grief, but also a sense of obligation to soldier on. The ability to emphatise is part of what makes us human; to understand the pain of others and to partake in their sorrow. No, we are never alone; merely trapped in our narrow minds which refuse to comprehend the greater love, the sweetness and possibilities of life which lie out there. Maybe the people still going on just have had a glimpse of a better tomorrow. With every unfulfilled wish there is somebody willing to pick up the pieces and carry them to the finish line. Some are already there, holding out a helping hand for others who are still struggling. Others are still stumbling about in the dark, looking for a direction, a purpose. Inevitably we all need to take the plunge, the first baby steps which will begin the journey of a thousand miles. But never are we alone on this long and windy road, and for every step we take we are one step closer to the end.

The curtains fall, the music dies,
Exit stage left, it's time it's time!
No more wine and no more song,
Only an albatross around thy neck.
But whatever before was not for nought,
None will judge thee for right or wrong.

-- Written on 30/1/2010, in confusion, grief and in hope for a better tomorrow.~Zhongy~

How Do You Mend A Broken Heart?

2009-11-26T22:01:00.003Z

I suspect if you ask this to 10 different people, you're going to get 10 different answers. Self-help books only tell you so much. Everybody knows the drill, but when it comes down to it, there's no avoiding the obvious. Insecurity creeps in, you feel let-down and there's a whole lot of pain and sadness inside. Our hearts are no impenetrable fortress' -- it bleeds; and unfortunately, there is no perfect recipe for redemption.

But adversa virtute repello, it is through adversity that we find strength. Strength to face the truth -- that life is sometimes cruel, and the strength to shoulder on and find the answer -- the cure to all that pain. As humans we are sentimental and sensitive, yet we are also adaptable. There is no mountain too high if the will is strong, if the mind is willing, and if the heart is true. In time we will all come to our own conclusions, and we will find our own peace.

And yes, there will be time enough for that; for time heals and protects. It closes the wounds and mends the scars, patiently tending to our sorrows and each day bringing with it a promise of hope. Hope for the present and for the future, to lift our spirits and to bring a smile back to each and every one of us. Gently it guides us along, through the winding paths and rocky roads, to the depths of our souls and back again, so that we are refreshed and replenished, renewed and ready to face the rigours of this world again.

Which is why it is important to not lose ourselves, to not give in to the negative feelings surrounding our soul. Cry if you must, scream if you need to; let your emotions flow so that you may empty out your heart and fill it again with positive things. Be it a mug of hot chocolate, a sticky note of encouragement or the beautiful rainbow over the horizon, be reminded that we are not alone out there, and never will be. There is salvation for those who seek it, come it might like a flash in the dark, or as pristine fairy dust falling from the sky.

And when all is said and done, come back home; for home is where the heart is, and where the heart is, home will be. Amen.~Zhongy~

Spin It Round & Round

2009-11-06T21:49:00.002Z

I wish the world revolved around me, for once.

Before We Get Too Old

2009-10-15T15:39:00.002+01:00

Lollipops turn into cigarettes. The innocent ones turn into sluts. Homework goes in the trash. Mobile phones are being used in class. Detention becomes suspension. Soda becomes vodka. Bikes become cars. Kisses turn into sex. Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet? When the worst things you could get from boys were cooties? Dad’s shoulders were the highest place on earth and mum was your hero? Your worst enemies were your siblings. Race issues were about who ran the fastest. War was only a card game. And the only drug you knew was cough medicine. When wearing a skirt didn’t make you a slut. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? And we couldn’t wait to grow up.

It's probably more apt to be posted by a girl, but so what. Nice little piece of writing that I came across on Facebook. The overall mood reminds me of 'Chasing Cars' by Snow Patrol. I think everybody can relate to this.~Zhongy~

Broken Records

2009-10-06T23:08:00.004+01:00

Days like this, you wonder what the hell are you doing here, sitting in front of the keyboard, shouting at the four empty walls. The furious tapping echoes softly, but the housemates don't hear you, and so don't the neighbours, because it's all in your head. Only a coward hides behind the face of pristine calmness, while heart-wrenching music wails out from the speakers. Your thoughts yearn for a voice, yet the mind whispers doubts, lies, deceit. The fragility of your own sanity sneaks upon you unaware; oh but wait! have you not been here before? The all too familiar dread rolls in, and you tell yourself, 'here we go again..'

Days like this, you just want to curl up under the comforting embrace of the duvet and try to get some sleep. But even the sweet scent of Moroccan roses don't soothe the journey into your dreams. You lie awake knowing that sleep only postpones the inevitable, that one day the skeletons will come out of the closet. The candle at the foot of the bed flickers; Shakespeare flashes across the head -- we are all poor players indeed.. Or maybe it's just me. Outside the window a car drives by. You suddenly wish that somebody would just come and pick you up for a drive. Tail lights disappear into the horizon. Now there is only darkness, and you're back at square one...

Meine Ruh' ist hin,

Mein Herz ist schwer,

Ich finde sie nimmer

Und nimmermehr.

~Zhongy~

Reposted: "God Is Love" (1 John 4:8)

2009-09-12T16:43:00.002+01:00

Props to Vin for a thought-provoking and beautifully written post on love and being in a relationship. Whether currently attached or single, I am sure we can all emphatise with these feelings and emotions.

"God is Love" (1 John 4:8)
Vineeta
12/09/2009

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
- Neil Gaiman

Neil Gaiman, you are absolutely right.

Because I felt that way when I was in love. It twisted my insides out. It left me open to a stranger. The vulnerability, the insecurity, dragged me down to my knees. It left me afraid and lost.

But, it was also one of the most magical and uplifting moments in my life. I had somebody who could reach into my heart by just looking into my eyes. I could feel safe in his warm embrace. An embrace which melted the defenses I built for years. I could finally share who I really am, without the fear of being judged. I had somebody who accepted me for who I really was. Better yet, not only accept my flaws, but saw it as something beautiful. Cliche, no? But I think the most cliche statements, are often true and well, honest.

I loved who I was when I was with the person whom I loved. I love how he made me feel. I love how I found myself.

But personally, I think the best part about being in love was what it taught me. I learnt how to love unconditionally. I learnt to be acceptive of things, not only tolerant. I learnt to be more giving. I learnt to be more understanding. I learnt so much about myself than I ever did before I found love. I learnt that there was more to life.

I had a purpose. Life had a meaning. And that was to continue embracing love, and to love others.

Vulnerable? Of course. It is a price to pay for sharing yourself with others. It is the risk you need to take in exchange for that magical feeling. The one that makes you smile silly over the silliest thing. The one that fulfils the inner gap in you. The one that makes you believe that "Hey, life is beautiful."

And life is about choices. Life is about making choices. And with choices, comes risk. We risk something when we choose a certain option and from the other options we did not choose. (Opportunity cost? : ) ) So, if we choose to be happy, we need to forgo our negative thoughts. We probably need to change the way we think. Same, if we choose to stay within the lonely comfort of these walls we built within us, we risk not feeling love, and perhaps not being happy.

Of course, we can choose to live a life, devoid of love. It'll be exactly just that, in the strictest biological sense. We breathe, eat, sleep, move, living every hour till the very last minute of the very last breath drawn.; feeling almost nothing. Devoid from love and any other emotions/feelings. So as long as I don't feel this pain, I don't mind not feeling happiness anymore. It's mechanical. It's purposeless. Because we fear of getting hurt, we shield ourselves from things like love. We stop taking chances. It's amazing how far we would go just to run away from pain. Including, forgoing to live life where we have a reason to wake up in the morning, where we breathe in sweet life, and let the warm wind flirt with our cheeks, as the sunshine kisses our forehead and when the raindrops cloak us in loving embrace. Live life as if there is this great amount of colors waiting to burst out from you, whereby there is a happy skippy-springy momentum with every step you take and that your smile.. when your smile actually externalize the bliss in your heart.

If love is a "soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain", love is also bliss. A true bliss, the one that makes everything seem worthwhile. It is the reason why we're here.

But anyways, love isn't the pain. Love does not throw you into the abyss of darkness. The lover does. The rejection. The deceit. Not love.

And even though, the lover may not be forever, but Love is eternal.

Because love is all-encompassing.

Love is patient.
Love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
- Corinthians 13:1-13

And the more I think about it, the more I realized that the "dragging to my knees", the teachings, the fulfilment that I was fortunate enough to experience being in love? Was not actually, entirely, because of love. But it was because of the lover. Whom I was receptive of, because of love. Love came with him. He brought love with him. He was my teacher for that period in my life. And even though, we have come to our separate ways, it does not mean we stopped loving each other. It doesn't mean that because we do not end up in holy matrimony and in a fairy-tale-like eternal happy ending, that our love has failed. Because it did not. It served its purpose. Because in the end, it made us better beings. It helped shape our maturity to face the world and to prepare us for our next true love. Just because we are not involved romantically anymore, it does not mean, what we had was fake. Because I know for a fact that he was my first true love. And I am so ever thankful for that.

In the end, we learnt what we were meant to learn. And the love we shared was a bonus that came with the lessons.

So despite it all, despite how you may think love or the lover could make you feel, could "hold you hostage" and rob you of who you are, I think, that love actually helps you discover who you really are. And at this point, I mean it as love with your lover, with your parents, with your friends, with God.

So Mr. Gaiman, here is where I differ from you. Because I love LOVE.

For now, this is food for thought over the weekend :) More stuff coming your way soon, I promise!~Zhongy~

Bittersweet

2009-09-06T15:45:00.002+01:00

It's difficult to explain how I feel now. There's some sadness, maybe a tinge of regret mixed with bitterness, and possibly a sense of 'yes, I did the right thing'. Making the decision to come wasn't the hardest part; It was what came after when I was here. What do I say? Were those the words you wanted to hear? Was I even the correct person to have came? No answers, just questions -- questions which seemed hardly relevant now, but would have made all the difference. I'd like to think that I have made the most of it, and that the three days would have changed something. Maybe it did make a difference, maybe it didn't. Who knows? Either way, this chapter is now closed..

-- Written on the bus back from J.B.
~Zhongy~

Running In The Rain

2009-08-21T14:57:00.002+01:00

It's been a long time since I had such a laugh! Fridays are never boring if it all ended like that. So I was loitering in the office until six thirty hoping for something interesting to happen, but the department pretty much emptied out by six and only a few collegues were left. It rained slightly an hour ago so I was pretty confident of not getting caught out by the weather on the way back. Not feeling up to having dinner alone, I coerced a collegue, Kar Mei into following me to KFC for dinner. A bit of geography here. KFC is a mere 200m away from my office, just next to Ampang Park McDonalds.

Anyway we left office at about 6.30 and was half way through dinner when dark clouds gathered quickly. Within 10 minutes it was pouring with a vengeance and we were stuck in KFC! Imagine the horror when we realised that we didn't have umbrellas! Kar Mei was in heels and a white shirt so that ruled out making any sort of dash through the rain back to office. Anyhow the rain was much too heavy to walk in, umbrella or no umbrella in hand. I was gleefully cackling away by our pathetic predicament while Kar Mei was cursing the powers-that-be. Undaunted, we decided to sprint to Ampang Park and see what to do from there.

Kar Mei had to be back at office so we had to find a way to get back, by hook or by crook. Once we arrived at Ampang Park I noticed people walking out of Guardian with umbrellas and duly suggested that instead of being drenched (and no doubt in her case, transparent), we might as well try to get as much shade as possible under those tinyineffectiveandunpractical Guardian umbrellas. Kar Mei got a small pale blue one to fit her petite frame but they ran out of bigger sizes and I had to settle for (Shock! Horror!) a PURPLE AND PINK MICKEY MOUSE umbrella, which was ironically the biggest one in store!

Armed with some miniscule form of protection against the torrents lashing down from the sky, we proceeded to wade, hop and run for Plaza OSK. Now I'll leave this up to your imagination. Try to picture a guy with a purple and pink Mickey Mouse umbrella and a girl with another pale blue one making a frantic dash through heavy rain past Maybank, Bangkok Conexxion bar and the Royal China Hotel to get back to Plaza OSK all the while desperately trying to avoid huge puddles and to stay as dry as possible. It was truly hilarious and we both broke down into fits of laughter when we finally reached the office. Normally this wasn't something you would want to do on a regular basis but it was really, really funny while it lasted and we both made it back with our feet drenched but otherwise just slightly wet. In Kar Mei's case it was a wonder that she didn't even slip while making a run for it. She's so small I swear the rainwater will be able to wash her away together.

And the punchline to all this? The rain stopped 20 minutes after we managed to get back to office. I left for home while Kar Mei was still sitting in her cubicle drying her feet. We could have just as easily weathered the storm in KFC and got back to OSK without having to go through all that hassle and me carrying that ridiculous umbrella. Still it was pretty good fun and altogether memorable experience. Whoever said working life was boring?~Zhongy~

Why do Malaysians March?

2009-08-04T12:52:00.006+01:00

Why do Malaysians March?
Yeo Yang Poh

WHY march, when the government has said that it will review the Internal Security Act? Why march, when there are other very cosy ways of giving your views and feedback?

One would understand if these were questions posed by nine-year-olds. But they are not. They are questions posed by the prime minister of this nation we call our home. Answer we must. So, why?

Because thousands who died while in detention cannot march or speak any more. That is why others have to do it for them.

Because persons in the corridors of power, persons who have amassed tremendous wealth and live in mansions, and persons who are in the position to right wrongs but won’t, continue to rule our nation with suffocating might. And they certainly would not march. They would prevent others from marching.

Because the have-nots, the sidelined, the oppressed, the discriminated and the persecuted have no effective line to the powerful.

Because the nice ways have been tried ad nauseam for decades, but have fallen on deaf ears.

Because none of the major recommendations of Suhakam (including on peaceful assembly), or of the commissions of inquiry, has been implemented. Because the proposed Independent Police Complaints and Misconduct Commission (IPCMC) is not in sight, while corruption and insecurity live in every neighbourhood; and (despite reasoned views expressed ever so nicely in opposition) Rela (people’s volunteer corps) is being brought in to make matters even worse.

The proponents in “Su Qiu” (remember them?) were not marchers. In fact it is hard to find nicer ways than “su qiu”, because the term means “present and request” or “inform and request”. In terms of putting forward a view or a request, it is the height of politeness. Yet they were labelled “extremists” – they who did not march.

And now you ask, why march?

Because you gave non-marchers a false name! You called them the “silent majority”, who by virtue of their silence (so you proudly argued with twisted logic) were supporters of government policies since they were not vocal in raising objections. You claimed to be protecting the interest of the “silent majority”. Now some of them do not want to be silent anymore, and you are asking why?

Yes, because double standards and hypocrisy cannot be covered up or explained away forever; and incompetence cannot be indefinitely propped up by depleting resources.

Because cronyism can only take care of a few people, and the rest will eventually wake up to realise the repeated lies that things were done in certain ways purportedly “for their benefit”.

Because the race card, cleverly played for such a long time, is beginning to be seen for what it really is – a despicable tool to divide the rakyat for easier political manipulation.

Because it does not take much to figure out that there is no good reason why Malaysia, a country with abundant human resources and rich natural resources, does not have a standard of living many times higher than that of Singapore, an island state with no natural resources and that has to import human resources from Malaysia and elsewhere.

Because, in general, countries that do not persecute marchers are prosperous or are improving from their previous state of affairs, and those that do are declining.

Because Gandhi marched, Mandela marched, Martin Luther King marched, and Tunku Abdul Rahman marched.

Because more and more people realise that peaceful assemblies are no threat at all to the security of the nation, although they are a threat to the security of tenure of the ruling elite.

Because politicians do not mean it when they say with a straight face or a smile that they are the servants and that the people are the masters. No servant would treat his master with tear gas, batons and handcuffs.

Because if the marchers in history had been stopped in their tracks, places like India, Malaysia and many others would still be colonies today, apartheid would still be thriving in South Africa, Nelson Mandela would still be scribbling on the walls of Cell 5, and Obama would probably be a slave somewhere in Mississippi plotting to make his next midnight dash for the river.

And because liberty, freedom and dignity are not free vouchers posted out to each household.They do not come to those who just sit and wait. They have to be fought for, and gained.

And if you still want to ask: why march; I can go on and on until the last tree is felled. But I shall obviously not.

I will end with the following lines from one of the songs sung in the 1960s by civil rights marchers in the US, without whom Obama would not be able to even sit with the whites in a bus, let alone reside in the White House:

"It isn’t nice to block the doorway
It isn’t nice to go to jail
There are nicer ways to do it
But the nice ways have all failed
It isn’t nice; it isn’t nice
You’ve told us once, you’ve told us twice
But if that’s freedom’s price
We don’t mind ...”

~Zhongy~

Love Songs In Age

2009-07-26T01:41:00.003+01:00

I suppose I should be feeling glad that the ticket seller asked whether I was actually 18 when I was queuing up to buy tickets for a movie, especially since I was with an older girl (*only* age-wised!). The general perception is that I look older than I actually am, which has caused some... confusion in the past. I suppose being told that you look like a postgraduate student when you're actually a fresher, OR being told that you look like the new economist when you're just a first day intern at the office is not too flattering, especially when people are not judging based on intellect. Yes you can laugh, but the joke wears thin after the ump-teenth time. Otherwise, I've gotten used to it.

For the record, thinking too much is not good for you. Thinking leads to doubt leads to worry leads to more doubt and more worry. Vicious cycle, much. It's often easier to just do things and not think too much about the consequences. Just hope for the best! Sadly, the world doesn't work that way. If it did, I'd probably be smoking, drinking and shooting off my mouth on a daily basis. Really, it calms the nerves, releases stress, helps blood circulation and helps with sleep. What more could you ask for? Sigh. Oh and if I'm getting slightly eccentric or mad (well, more so than usual), you should be telling me. It's a sign that I need to see a psychiatrist. I pity people who try to pick my mind. I'd be surprised if they ever get anywhere, seeing as I myself am not getting anywhere with it. Come on, I'm not *that* predictable.

Is this a sign that I'm stressed? I don't know. I don't want to know. I'd rather be going along doing my own thing. I suppose I'm just in one of my moods this morning. No, I don't think it's healthy. Yes, it has happened before and yes, I can be quite mad. If I wasn't I wouldn't be a mathematician. Being prim and proper never did get you anywhere. Just ask Einstein. He's not somebody you'd describe as normal, even if he had a normal sized brain. Has anybody considered that keeping his brain for experiment is just pathetic, not to mention derogatory? He's dead, let him rest in peace. Or maybe not. Being the smartest guy in human history has its drawbacks as well. For one, people can't understand you; and you probably aren't 'mentally-sound' enough to be President, more so in Israel. Oh wait, I take that back. Look up Mussolini in 'Captain Corelli's Mandolin'. I swear it's hilarious and sad at the same time.

Are you still following me? I'm impressed. I woke up with Larkin today, I think that's why. Oh well, I always thought that he needed to get a life. I need to get a life. One which doesn't involve working 11 hours a day for 5 days a week. Probably also one that doesn't involve building your happiness on others. No, I'm not sadistic. You can put that thought to rest. I just want to feel good. I just want to feel young. I just feel like writing all this down. I think age is catching up with me. I need to get a life.

Oh and in case you're wondering about the title,

Love Songs In Age
Philip Larkin

She kept her songs, they kept so little space,
The covers pleased her:
One bleached from lying in a sunny place,
One marked in circles by a vase of water,
One mended, when a tidy fit had seized her,
And coloured, by her daughter -
So they had waited, till, in widowhood
She found them, looking for something else, and stood

Relearning how each frank submissive chord
Had ushered in Word after sprawling hyphenated word,
And the unfailing sense of being young
Spread out like a spring-woken tree, wherein
That hidden freshness sung,
That certainty of time laid up in store
As when she played them first. But, even more,

The glare of that much-mentionned brilliance, love,
Broke out, to show
Its bright incipience sailing above,
Still promising to solve, and satisfy,
And set unchangeably in order. So
To pile them back, to cry,
Was hard, without lamely admitting how
It had not done so then, and could not now.

AND FOR THE LAST TIME, I DON'T DO MORSE!!~Zhongy~

Spare A Thought For Me

2009-06-28T02:54:00.001+01:00

I am beset by the ironies of my life.

The Truth of Social Media

2009-06-04T20:42:00.004+01:00

This, just made my day :D One more week and I'm literally home freeeeee!!~!~Zhongy~

I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker, And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker, And in short, I was afraid.

2009-05-15T09:09:00.004+01:00

The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock
T.S. Eliot

S'io credessi che mia risposta fosse
a persona che mai tomasse al mundo,
questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma per cio che giammai di questo fondo
non torno vivo alcun, s'i'odo il vero,
senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo.

Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherized upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question...
Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
Let us go and make our visit.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, "Do I dare?" and, "Do I dare?"
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair--
[They will say: "How his hair is growing thin!"]
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin--
[They will say: "But how his arms and legs are thin!"]
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

For I have known them all already, known them all:--
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?

And I have known the eyes already, known them all--
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?
And how should I presume?

And I have known the arms already, known them all--
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
[But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!]
Is it perfume from a dress
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
And should I then presume?
And how should I begin?

. . . . .

Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows? . . .

I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.

. . . . .

And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep ... tired ... or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head [grown slightly bald] brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet--and here's no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: "I am Lazarus, come from the dead
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all"--
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: "That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all."

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the
floor--
And this, and so much more?--
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
"That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all."

. . . . .

No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous--
Almost, at times, the Fool.

I grow old... I grow old...
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him, for as a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so life well used brings happy death...

2009-04-30T15:33:00.003+01:00

~Death can sneak up on you like a silent kitten, surprising you with it's touch and you have a right to act surprised. Other times death stomps in the front door, unwanted and unannounced, and makes it's noisy way to your seat on the sofa.~

April 30th, 2009. It is difficult to describe how I felt when the phone call came in at 2.20 pm today. At this time, a phone call from home could only mean one thing -- he has passed away. True enough, it has only been 20 minutes since he left us. It was a release from the excruciating torture of cancer I hear, and despite the grief I have to agree. He has not been at his best since his chemotherapy, and going blind in one eye probably made things worse. I remember hearing him say, 'this will be the last time I'm going through all of this', and it turned out to be true. When the cancer relapsed this time, there was no more treatment to be done. A few weeks ago he was already a dead man walking, and today, he left us all behind.

It is not too difficult to understand a person like my grandfather, yet I wouldn't say that I really knew him. He was the uneducated oddjob-guy; the guy who cuts the grass by the road side, piles bricks to build a house, and sprays insecticide to kill weeds. Until his death he still couldn't read a newspaper, and often had to rely on my grandmother to read it out loud for him every morning. My grandfather had the shortest of temper, and more often than not would blow his fuse at the most trivial of things. But he was respected by everybody, partly out of fear, and partly because he had such a domineering presence. I remember we wouldn't dare make too much noise in his house when he was in, for fear of incurring his wrath. Yet you couldn't read him like an open book. He was quick to judge, often filled with prejudice, but always having a conviction to follow through his argument. I believe he was brought up to follow a certain set of principles by my great-grandfather, and to live through the war with these set of principles intact is something very amazing.

But my grandfather showed his love to his grandchildren in a very different way. Every Sunday morning he would cycle to buy breakfast for all of us, and deliver it to our doorsteps. I remember him sometimes dropping into my primary school during recess to see me or my siblings. When we were young he would also plop us down on his lap when we were watching television together, and we would all take turns having a go at sitting on his lap. When we went on holidays or school trips he would always try to slip us some extra pocket money, usually through 'ang pow's from my grandmother, and was equally generous in rewarding good grades at school too.

It was obvious that my grandfather was immensely proud of us, and he never once bothered to hide his pride. Just before leaving for the UK, I was asked to fetch him to a shop to get his grass-cutter repaired. At the shop, he introduced me to all of the workers, proclaiming proudly that his elder grandson drove him to the shop in a BMW (which of course, belonged to my dad). During formal dinners he would always be dressed up patchily, but would make sure that we were outfitted properly as befitted the occasion. Come every Chinese New Year, an early 'ang pow' would come in for us to buy clothes. He balked at us wearing black and dark coloured clothes, sometimes muttering that it was only meant for funerals, and indeed now I am clad fully in black in respect of him.

I have always been amazed by his longevity despite being the least conscious about his own health. He chain-smoked, ate overly sweet and salty food and shunned any clinic or hospital unless he was in huge pain. Yet he lived until he was almost 70 (I'm not sure of his actual age). He always boasted that he out-lived my other grandfather, who passed away even before I was born, because he smoked, but one suspects this is not really the case. He didn't die of lung cancer though; My grandfather had cancer on his skull, but even after he started taking treatment he never stopped puffing away. I like to think that his body somehow got used to all that carcinogens and tobacco, and it would probably be worse if he tried to kick his addiction after more than half a century of smoking. My father long gave up on trying to advise him to quit. Instead, we would always buy back cigarettes from the airport for him whenever we took a trip overseas. I myself got him a portable ashtray when I was in Japan, but I doubt he uses it.

They will bury him on Monday, at the gravesite that he himself chose a few years ago. Even the 'feng shui' at the site is done by him, though I never knew where he got that knowledge from, nor how accurate it actually is. But then, we know better than to doubt him. Life is too short to be squandered over a person's own final resting place.~Zhongy~

This Is The Eve

2009-04-13T01:52:00.002+01:00

Easter Monday
Eleanor Farjeon

In the last letter that I had from France
You thanked me for the silver Easter egg
Which I had hidden in the box of apples
You like to munch beyond all other fruit.
You found the egg the Monday before Easter,
And said. 'I will praise Easter Monday now -
It was such a lovely morning'. Then you spoke
Of the coming battle and said, 'This is the eve.
'Good-bye. And may I have a letter soon'.

That Easter Monday was a day for praise,
It was such a lovely morning. In our garden
We sowed our earliest seeds, and in the orchard
The apple-bud was ripe. It was the eve,
There are three letters that you will not get.

~Zhongy~

星空

2009-03-26T12:22:00.002Z

记得你曾说过，
最喜欢在夜里看星星。

今晚在沙丘上仰望星光遮满天，
又不禁想起你，和你的嗜好。

星星的每一闪、每一耀，
我都好想录下与你慢慢分享。

沙漠的寂静
更显我身边的空虚。

短暂流星划过，
我最想要的还是和你一起欣赏
这一片最美好的星空。

－－２００９年３月２３日
撒哈拉沙漠暗中胡乱择词
~翼/翔~

或许有一天我会告诉你吧？

2009-03-08T22:00:00.001Z

不能说的秘密
周杰伦
不能说的秘密 OST

冷咖啡离开了杯垫
我忍住的情绪在很后面
拼命想挽回的从前
在我脸上依旧清晰可见
最美的不是下雨天
是曾与你躲过雨的屋檐
回忆的画面
在荡着秋千
梦开始不甜
你说把爱渐渐放下会走更远
又何必去改变你走过的世界
你用你的指尖
阻止我说再见
想象你在身边
在完全失去之前
你说把爱渐渐放下会走更远
或许命运的签只让我们遇见
只让我们相恋
这一季的秋天
飘落后才发现
这幸福的碎片
要我怎么捡

~翼/翔~

'Cos There Will Always be Me, You and Häagen-Dazs Ice Cream

2009-03-07T16:23:00.004Z

I'm fine now, don't worry.

The only answer is to move forward, rather than brood over all the pain.

I will find my way.

~Zhongy~

We Will NOT be a Part of a Lost Generation

2009-03-04T07:39:00.000Z

Wear It On My Sleeve

2009-03-04T01:06:00.005Z

Chasing Pavements
Adele
19

I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over,
If I'm wrong I am right,
Don't need to look no further,
This ain't lust,
I know this is love but,

If I tell the world,
I'll never say enough,
Cause it was not said to you,
And that's exactly what I need to do,
If I'm in love with you,

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

I'd build myself up,
And fly around in circles,
Waiting as my heart drops,
And my back begins to tingle
Finally could this be it

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep on chasing pavements?
Should I just keep on chasing pavements?

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

If stabbing myself would have atoned for my sins, don't you think I would have done it by now? Every night before I sleep I wonder why I put up with all of this, and every day my self-doubt gnaws at my resolve. My heart cries out for answers to my insecurities, but the only reply I get is deafening silence which compounds my emptiness within. Sometimes, I wonder why our paths had to cross again? I propped up the walls only for you to tear them all down and bring my deepest feelings to light. Please don't leave me hanging; every moment I dangle from your string I bleed. Just look me in the eye and tell me the truth, I think that's the least I deserve from you..~Zhongy~

Your Call
Secondhand Serenade
A Twist In My Story

Waiting for your call, I'm sick, call I'm angry
call I'm desperate for your voice
Listening to the song we used to sing
In the car, do you remember
Butterfly, Early Summer
It's playing on repeat, Just like when we would meet
Like when we would meet

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

Stripped and polished, I am new, I am fresh
I am feeling so ambitious, you and me, flesh to flesh
Cause every breath that you will take
when you are sitting next to me
will bring life into my deepest hopes, What's your fantasy?
(What's your, what's your, what's your...)

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

And I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home
And I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home
And I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home
And I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home
(I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have)

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
(I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have)

Minted Masquerade

2009-02-21T11:14:00.004Z

Have I told you lately that I love you?

I know Malaysia Night was over about two weeks ago, but trying to reduce the backlog of work has kept me preoccupied until now. It was a pretty brilliant event if I was to be honest with you. I'm sure the audience, based on the feedback I've got, were pretty impressed with the show we put up at great expense and effort in order to maintain some profound sense of pride of having 'the best MNight in the UK'. Whether it's going to be better than everybody else I don't know, and frankly I don't really care. Perception is subjective, and will always stay that way.

But for me, this project felt like one of those things that 'could have been', which I (thankfully) have not encountered much in my career of getting involved in things. It 'could have been better', or maybe the phrase is 'should have been', but at the end all it felt like was a sort of hollowness that is telling you 'you never got there'. Sure, there was a lot of enthusiasm and adrenaline running high all around the place, but at the same time the effort put in lacked cohesiveness and efficiency, often lagging behind schedules and generally lacking the proper cutting edge. Yes, this is the time when you roll your eyes and say, 'Malaysians', but frankly that is not an excuse for being mediocre. You will notice that I am using a lot of indefinite articles, but based on experience, this could have been a much more polished, if not better experience for everybody if there was a higher degree of organisation and professionalism around the whole thing. As part of the production team, I cannot, and will not shirk off my responsibilities, though I believe I've tried my best to get involved, and there is only so much a stage manager can do in terms of the technical side of the show.

I agree with the seniors on one thing: you do get to meet a lot of people whom you would usually never meet when you take part in dikir and the whole project in general. Whether the whole show brought people closer though, is still up for debate. Sometimes everything feels so disarrayed that you just feel like going up and strangling the person standing next to you. THAT wouldn't be too helpful for caramaderie. Every day that brought me closer to Malaysia Night, I went to bed with an increased feeling of annoyance that things were not going as well as they should be. Everybody felt like they were doing their own thing and somehow things never really got together as a whole. Behind the curtains during showtime, it felt almost like any other circus with disjointed performances and lack of flow. Maybe with the limitations placed upon us such as not having the actual stage until the day itself and lack of transportation hindered our ambitions somewhat, but it just felt like being in a bunch of headless chickens running around in circles chasing each other. On stage, individuals shined and there were some truly virtuoso performances, but the show as a whole stopped short of being a true 'tour de force' and IMHO did not live up to the promise of the entire talent pool available in the cast and crew.
'It's over, screw it.' I'm sorry that shouldn't be the case. This project is probably one of the most unsatisfying of the bunch I've been involved in. There was no euphoria after everything ended despite being such a bigger production compared to House Singing in KTJ, and no, I certainly did not feel any of those PMS (Post-MNight-Syndrome) symptoms which others claimed to exhibit. In retrospect, it felt more like 'it's over, next please', rather than 'wow, it's over'. Maybe I expected abit more after putting in so much effort, but for such a flamboyant project you would expect a little more panache and sense of pride or satisfaction after it all ends. I feel neither. It might possibly just be my cynicism getting ahead of me and I might change my opinion after awhile, but I doubt it. The 'high', if you can call it that, *should* have been there but it just wasn't; Or maybe I was just too tired or sick to care.

Anyhow back to normal uni life. No more dikir pratices at night or play rehearsals to go to. Do I even care?~Zhongy~

Favourite bit of MNight, the awesome trailer. If you want to watch I think the whole production's pretty much online on Youtube or Facebook.

悼念沈老

2009-02-19T21:08:00.010Z

第一次接触到沈老，或该说是沈老的字，应该是当他为我的小学培二小学新落实的活动中心提的一副对联吧。如今若回到母校，再次看到那副对联时，相信各位校友、同学，都会有种物是人非的感觉吧？毕竟沈老对华社、华教的贡献，只能用＂鞠躬尽粹，死而后已＂来形容。

但我主要接触沈老，还是在书法界里。沈老是以前的马六甲书艺协会的名誉顾问，所以每当有大型的展览或书法赛，他都会以嘉宾的身份到场。尤其是农历新年的时候，更是能看到沈老在台上致词、颁奖。初几次听沈老致词，都觉得他的内容一成不变、枯燥乏味，句句都绕着传统文化转；＂会用筷子吃饭的炎黄子孙，都应该要会用毛笔写字＂，可能就是沈老最常用的一段词。但是随着年龄与阅历成长，你会开始欣赏沈老他那不屈不挠，谆谆不倦的精神。就从他以前能踏脚车到大马到处走，到近年来被心脏问题侵蚀且因为年长而开始行动不便，沈老的教诲依然一样，不受岁月的痕迹磨损。一旦到了讲台上，他那苍劲的声音仍勉励着我们年轻一代力争上游，也告诫我们不能忘却祖先遗留下来的文化。他那屹立不倒的精神，也反映在他的书法里。沈老的字，非常明显地露出了他一生中的骨气－－每一笔、每一画都扎实、稳重，一转一折中亦深涵内韵，纯熟而不露锋。

现在，九十七岁的老叟走了。他留下的，是一幅幅的墨宝，和一段段演说中的词句。沈老一生的奋斗，是华人的骄傲，也是值得大家学习的对象。没有了他，华社失去了一个泰山北斗。明年的农历新年少了沈老的致词，感觉上也该会像是失去了一点点的什么...~翼/翔~

沈慕羽走了
陈再藩

星期五早上，手机里塞满了马六甲与吉隆坡朋友传来的短讯：沈老走了！沈老是谁？他是马来西亚华人族魂林连玉先生之后的另一个华教大灵魂。
　　星期六，马来西亚所有的中文媒体，都大篇幅地报道这位华教伟人逝世的消息。南洋商报黑字斗大，写着：“华教斗士，砥柱南天”。终年九十七岁的老人家，一生领导马来西亚华人教师总会二十八年，为华文教育奋斗而被捕不只一次。最后一次发生于1987年马哈迪当政期间，入狱两百天的沈老当年已经七十四岁。
　　沈慕羽1913年出生于马六甲，祖籍福建晋江。父亲为马六甲同盟会领袖沈鸿柏。据说其父为他取名慕羽，乃因期盼他景慕三国关羽。沈慕羽的父亲是古城培风中学的创办人之一。1928年，他以第一名的成绩毕业于培风中学初中。
　　1937年中国卢沟桥事变，沈慕羽在马来亚参与抗日行列，组织歌咏队、戏剧团，到处宣传。41年太平洋战争爆发，他担任了马六甲各社团抗敌动员总会秘书，也出任马六甲华侨青年战时服务团团长。41年1月马六甲沦陷，他曾一度逃至新加坡，过后又返回马六甲。 1945年日本投降，他受聘为马六甲华侨公立第一小学校长——沈慕羽的终生校长形象，从此开始。1949年，马六甲的陈祯禄创组马华公会，他加入了政党。第2年，他与林连玉倡议组织全国华校教师总会。这个组织在接下来的半个世纪里对马来西亚华文教育产生深远影响。
　　沈慕羽在政治上虽被喻为马华公会青年团的“马青之父”，但却于1966年因争取华文为官方语言而与当时马华公会会长陈修信（陈祯禄之子）产生对立而被开除出党。在这事件上，他留下了“一息尚存，难安缄默”的名言。沈老的生命，从此转入纯然为民族母语奋斗的长征，直到2月5日晚上逝世为止。
　　1987年10月11日，马来西亚华人社团及朝野政党齐聚吉隆坡天后宫，强烈抗议政府派不谙华文教师到华小担任高职。笔者适逢人在吉隆坡，也挤入那场山雨欲来风满楼的激昂大会，并首次见到沈老。印象中，天后宫之山丘下，镇暴军警已经重重围守。28日，老人家与华教董事会主席林晃升一起被捕。
　　这位马来西亚服务最久校长纪录的华教斗士，是位全方位的“华人”，他写得一手沉稳厚重的好书法，也终生写日记。他推崇孔子与孔学，促成马六甲孔子大厦之落成，还曾于2002年受台北市长马英九邀请赴台主持祭孔典礼。几年前，笔者与一群诗人及歌者在马六甲河畔的古迹建筑“海关亭”搞了一场不拘小节的诗曲雅集，沈老爽快应邀。歌者之中，沈老年龄最大，但心态年轻。当夜压卷之作，乃由他清唱一曲古调，全场惊艳动容。曲罢，掌声如雷。“古城白发壮怀，临河楼头放歌”的雅集印象，永铭于心。
　　沈校长手推一辆脚车的俭朴形象，就和马六甲古城早已风华退尽的荷兰街一样叫人感到淡静温馨。他的中庸包着坚毅风骨，若碰上强横无道，他比钢还硬。
　　沈老的灵堂设在培风中学大礼堂。培风中学有一幅他的墨宝，写的是：种族平等，共建大马。

　而他生前筑成的墓碑，自撰：服务一生，战斗一世。

　　前句是目标理想，后句是精神。
　　中间，是叫人景仰的大灵魂！

永远的沈慕羽
何启良

我又北上令人长相忆的马六甲了。五年前沈慕羽先生大寿，我与黄文斌夫妇驾车匆匆北上，为了见一见沈先生，止多年思念之渴。“忧心烈烈，载饥载渴。”《诗经》这两句，正是我们心情的写照。匆匆五载，沈先生老当益健，他的大寿，无论如何我也得出席。那天在新加坡举办的道家思想研讨会还没有正式结束，我就告辞了。在路上一直在想起这些年来沈先生的一生事业，以及他的近况，他的健康如何？他的歌声仍然像昔日的嘹亮吗？上次见到他，应该是五年前的事了。那次他看到我，紧紧和我握手，坐着的身体微微站起，似乎歉意地说他的脚力不好。我殷勤回应且切切问候。

我实在高兴能够赴沈先生的95大寿。和马来西亚华社一样，我有福分分享到一位智者长寿的喜悦。对于高寿的沈先生，我总是充满了敬意，他的身上从里到外透出一股清气。他的确是老当益壮，不离尘嚣。他的入世似乎是因为他必须介入世俗的纷争才能真正解怀。尽管马来西亚华社不乏兼备坚持而豪气的教育家，但像沈先生这样感性和理性交互渗透在举止和谈话之中，并形成鲜明特色的却很罕见。

沈先生“穷且益坚，不坠青云之志”。那晚在礼堂的讲台上，他的声音宏亮，讲了大概20分钟的话，话题涉及马来西亚华人的文化和教育现状，谈到华文小学被当局歧视，而华人必须自强不息云云，对政府对待华人的态度保持高度质疑，他的姿态是激昂的，语气是不平的。然而就我看来，我所认识的沈慕羽，几十年如一日，他的讲话道出了一位奋斗了超过半个世纪的一个知识分子的真心话。

后来我听了另一场演讲，对沈先生的演讲感触更深。8月2日在吉隆坡“世界亚洲学者国际会议”（ICAS4）的开幕典礼上，马来西亚副首相纳吉演讲，我和来自世界各地约千位学者一样，洗耳恭听。副首相谈的，也是马来西亚的现状，他说马来西亚是多元文化社会，其成就是有目共睹的，而政府政策是主因。听众多半是外来学者，自然对马来西亚多元种族和多元文化极为羡慕。副首相的讲话显然是有考虑到听众是谁，因为在前两个星期，他就有“马来西亚是一个回教国”的谈话，引起诸多争议。我的感触是，政治人物常会信口开河，人民不要求他们言行一致，只要求言论能够始终如一。见风使舵，没有原则，这难道是政治人物必备的技巧吗？

沈慕羽之所以为华社尊重，他的言论一致当然是主因，而他亦言行一致，更为重要。这一点我一直认为与中华文化深厚文化底藴有极大的关连。中华文化之厚重，体现最为彻底的，是书法。书法体现着中华民族思维特质和认知模式的特殊性，人在磨墨，墨也在磨人呀。沈慕羽日夜练字，练出了不只是一腔浩然正气，亦是一股文化灵气。如今学书法者多弃颜体，主要是它严正、稳实、雄强、宽厚，不易得到讲究闲暇心意者的亲昧。沈慕羽一生只写颜体，骨力遒劲而气概凛然，可以看出书与人潜移默化的结果。书法，这中华文人的核心编码，对一个人的生命认知和时代感照，有极大的催促作用。

1998年我心血来潮，去信向沈先生索字，要求写陈寅恪的名句“独立之精神，自由之思想”，他欣然答应，不日就寄来墨迹。我极爱之，如今仍然不断揣摩和思量字里行间的深意。其实这两句话，也能够用在沈慕羽的身上。他独立于众多妥协之外，毅然故我，出于淤泥而不染。当华社在纷乱之中无所适从时，他还是最清醒的。他年事越高，越能够自在地游任于出世与入世之间，身陷囹囫而华教得以捍卫，身受屈辱，屡次入狱却得思想之自由。于个人于家于国，毋宁幸哉。

沈慕羽说他“服务一生，战斗一世”，诚然。他的人格魅力，源于他报效华社和国家的高远志向，他的大仁大义，以及他的赤子之心。那晚他声音宏亮的那句话：“我1913年于马六甲出生，土生土长，是100%的‘土著’，但是我却没有特权”，与他雄苍的歌声一样，荡气回肠，一直环绕着我的脑海里，久久不散。马来西亚华人世代自强不息，虽然生活在边缘，然而爱土地，勇于拼搏，奋发图强，不落人后。他们热血之中所蕴含的，就是沈慕羽永远不屈服于万难的民族精神。

Paradox Within

2009-01-28T13:05:00.006Z

The folly of mistaking a paradox for a discovery, a metaphor for a proof, a torrent of verbiage for a spring of capital truths, and oneself for an oracle, is inborn in us.~Paul Valery

I apologise for the lack of updates. MNight commitments coupled with my usual Course assignment workload have deprived me of any time for leisure or indeed, most of my sleeping hours. I feel like one of the walking dead these days, especially when I need to wake up for 9 am lectures every day except for Friday to a full day of work.

Yes, my birthday was spent working. No, it wasn't the most birthday-y thing to do, but seriously there's not much choice in missing important lectures or MNight practices since the event is just two weeks away. Still, I really appreciate the phone calls, Facebook walls, texts, MSN messages and blogpost which came in over the few days wishing me 'Happy Birthday'. These wishes have become invaluable now especially since I'm swamped with work and need other things to just keep stuff off my mind when I finally get a chance to rest. There was a digital singing of Happy Birthday through Skype from home, since it was also my dad's birthday, and pictures of the cake which I won't get to taste. But overall, it's all good. Hopefully I'll have time after the 7th of February to actually chill out a bit more and have some time to myself to do what I like. Look out for more frequent updates after that too as my workload is (hopefully) reduced.

Birthday this year was made even more eventful by the inauguration of Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States of America just a day before. I missed the live telecast of it because of lecture but watched the entire event on CNN after that. His speech once again enhances his reputation as an excellent orator and it all boils down to whether he can 'walk the talk' now. However it cannot be denied that his campaign has been a beacon of hope to the people of America and the world. With it though, comes enormous expectations, primarily to mediate the conflict in the Middle East, the Gaza situation and to tackle the current economic crisis. The coming months will be a great test of Obama's character and his ability to lead as the most powerful person in the world. To read his stirring speech please look at the previous post before this.

The first day of Chinese New Year was spent pretty much the same way, but I did cook 长寿面 or 'mee sua' for lunch with a couple of friends. It's tradition for a Hokkien like me to eat it during the first day of Chinese New Year as it symbolises longevity. Considering that it was the first time ever that I've actually done it, I'm quite pleased that it turned out to be quite authentic. It's fairly easy to prepare too so I suppose it'll be a good alternative to just cooking plain rice with dishes in the future. Nothing beats having hot soup in the cold weather, but it is gradually getting warmer now. SPRING IS COMING! The first of the seasons has always been taken as a sign of good things to come and hopefully it will bring good tidings to all of us. There won't be any ang paus nor traditional CNY cookies around myself, but at the very least the Asian societies on campus are organising events to try and bring the CNY atmosphere to Chinese students. There is no place like home, especially during festive seasons, but steamboats, Chinese dinners and lion dance will go a long way in curing the homesickness. Calling family and friends on a 'YES' card helps too, and I'm happy to have had a long chat with some people who I have not met for a loooonnnnggggggg time.

Even after 19 years, I'm still struggling with my identity of who and what I am. Now in university, it is even more difficult to compare yourself against others, since how good you actually are is probably relative to how well the others in your course actually do. In a course of 350, there is no way to actually know where you stand, and what motivates a person is probably the desire to just be the best and do the best he or she can. But what if the best is not enough? It's fair to say that despite having a pretty flexible timetable where people can choose the amount of work they do to suit themselves (there is of course a minimum for this), the Mathematics department drives us pretty hard in terms of lectures, assignments, tests and exams. In a sense, you feel that you're in a one man race to beat the system, rather than the other 349 undergrads sitting around you because frankly, you just don't have the time to give a damn. Get in and get out in 3 years. By the time you finish you should be pretty good at Mathematics if you survive; IF you survive... Aihhhh... No rest for the wicked I guess... or for the Mathmos at least..

And while survival isn't hard enough, I have always questioned my intentions for doing things. Sometimes it feels like I am living for other people, not for myself; Yet paradoxically, I do things for others probably to put my own conscience to bed. I can't live with guilt, and if things weigh heavily on my mind I need to deal with it. There is always the question of whether I have given my all in all that I do. It is good that I am doing what I want now, as that naturally gives me more motivation to pursue things to the end. But at the same time, I'm struggling to fulfil the conflicting interests of mine. There is never enough time to sit down and write a blogpost, curl up in a chair to read a novel, whip up a good meal, play some tennis, put in a good enough effort into my assignments and attend other social stuff. Time limits my choices and forces me to prioritise, and with it comes a guilt for neglecting some of the stuff that I have meant to do for a long time. I'm finally going to pick up the racquet again tomorrow after 4 months of inactivity, and in these 4 months I've been trying to convince myself that doing Aikido twice a week helps keep me fit. It doesn't, and I'm not convinced that it does either. Looking back, I probably didn't do half of the things I wanted or meant to do because of commitments elsewhere. This does come with a good side though. The freedom of choice in university means I am much better at choosing stuff which I'm sure I can make sufficient contribution in, and not waste time on stuff which I just can't be bothered to make an effort towards. Otherwise my guilt will start biting at me again, and it hurts. There are times when I do feel like giving up everything just to have an uneventful day of leisure, but at the same time I can't live with inactivity. Not doing anything makes me weary, though too much work eats into my personal time which I would rather spend with people close to my heart. I am guilty of neglecting some of my family and best friends, nevertheless in my current predicament it is perhaps unavoidable, but believe me I do try my best, and will always be here if anybody needs me.

Perhaps all of this is just self-justification for what I do. I don't know. I just felt like letting it out for once. At least this is how I think about it, and how I approach my daily routine. People are free to interpret it as it is. As long as it doesn't break me, I am happy to go on like this until something, or somebody changes my mind. It might not amount to much, but at least I'll be able to live with myself.~Zhongy~

How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light.~Barry Lopez

A Dream No More

2009-01-20T19:46:00.003Z

Following is the inaguration address by Barack Obama, sworn in today at Capitol Hill as the 44th President of the United States of America, and the first African-American to occupy the Oval Office.

My fellow citizens:
I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.
Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often, the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebearers, and true to our founding documents.
So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.
That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.
These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land -- a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America: They will be met.
On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.
On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.
We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.
In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the fainthearted -- for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things -- some celebrated, but more often men and women obscure in their labor -- who have carried us up the long, rugged path toward prosperity and freedom.
For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.
For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.
For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.
Time and again, these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.
This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions -- that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.
For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act -- not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.
Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions -- who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.
What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them -- that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works -- whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account -- to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day -- because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.
Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control -- and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart -- not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.
As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: Know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.
Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.
We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort -- even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.
For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.
To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West: Know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.
To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.
As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment -- a moment that will define a generation -- it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.
For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.
Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends -- hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism -- these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility -- a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation and the world; duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.
This is the price and the promise of citizenship.
This is the source of our confidence -- the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.
This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed -- why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent Mall, and why a man whose father less than 60 years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.
So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:
"Let it be told to the future world ... that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive... that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."
America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested, we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back, nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

~Zhongy~

就像蜡烛，燃烧自己，照亮别人...

2009-01-19T23:41:00.003Z

Run
Leona Lewis
Spirit Deluxe Edition

I'll sing it one last time for you,
Then we really have to go.
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done.

And I can barely look at you.
But every single time I do,
I know we'll make it anyway
Away from here.

Light up, light up,
As if you have a choice.
Even if you cannot hear my voice,
I'll be right beside you dear.

Louder, louder,
And we'll run for our lives.
I can hardly speak, I understand
why you can't raise your voice to say.

To think I might not see those eyes,
Makes it so hard not to cry;
And as we say our long goodbyes,
I nearly did.

Light up, light up,
As if you have a choice.
Even if you cannot hear my voice,
I'll be right beside you dear.

Louder, louder,
And we'll run for our lives.
I can hardly speak, I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say.

Light up, light up,
As if you have a choice.
Even if you can't hear my voice,
I'll be right beside you dear.

Louder, louder,
And we'll run for our lives.
I can hardly speak, I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say.

~Zhongy~

Martini, Shaken Not Stirred

2009-01-12T23:33:00.006Z

5 parts pride, 5 parts brilliance and 3 parts instinct. Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add caring to taste! Do not overindulge!

That apparently, is how you make a Zhong. It's funny to think that for something that could be so random, it might actually be somewhat close to the truth. Close enough anyway; Not too brilliant, a tad too proud and very much instinctive. I sure could use some of those caring now though... Haha. The good thing is I've got Nicky with me now, who spent three horrible months ina a dirty cardboard box. He's finally restored to the spot beside my pillow, and it feels so good to have something to cuddle up to at night :D Really did miss him lots but all is well now that he's here =)

I know my New Year's post is long overdue but really, I think some of the people who read this should know that I didn't have the best of starts to the year. A horrendous Foundations Exam and the whole Vodafone fiasco later, I think, and certainly hope that things will only get better after this, like everybody says. Still, nothing comes free in life and I'm working my ass off now, what with Malaysia Night practices every Monday to Thursday night and assignments to be handed in every week. Luckily there are no tests on Friday this term or I'd be really biting off much more than I can chew. Am barely coping with the workload even though it's only the second week back to Warwick and I expect more sleepless nights and panda eyes to come. I don't even have time to do laundry now and the dirty clothes are staring at me from the laundry bag every time I open my bedroom door! Uggghhhh...

MNight practices are looking good though, and despite the actual lack of numbers we're making steady progress. Still, there's only four more weeks to go and the committee members,Sue Bee, Zhiyi, Jin and En-Li especially, are stressing and working their asses off to make sure that things get done. Hopefully everything will come together nicely in the end. I have to say that working in this group really brings back memories of the Yearbook days. Maybe I'm just being nostalgic, seeing that I'm not playing a really big role in this event, but the atmosphere is there, and the stage is set for people to showcase their talents. But being part of the production really brings the people involved much closer together. I suppose things will only get more frenetic as we get closer to February 7th, but if we all stick together and do our role I think we can make it good. For people in the UK, please do come and watch us! I promise we'll try our best to blow away your expectations and stage a show worth your while. Tickets are already on sale and you can get them from me for 10 pounds each!

It's not that nothing good has happened in the first few weeks of the new year, but me being me prefers to ponder upon the bad things. To start with, the Hogmanay Festival in Edinburgh on New Year's Eve was amazing! Really, closing off Princes Street for a street party is a stroke of genius. The fireworks were very impressive, especially since they were going off from the castle where it's visible to everybody and the organisers had pulled out all the stops to light up the night sky. I suppose with the current economic crisis, people came out in droves to party and look for something to celebrate while temporarily forgetting about the credit crunch; and my were the streets packed. The sheer amount of people really added to the festive mood and I was lucky enough to be there to soak it all up. Thank you's go out to Ee Leen and Yen Ping who brought me around Edinburgh to see the sights when I was there, and Aunty Mary's family (including Aunty Mary herself) for having me over for both Christmas dinner and New Year lunch.

Other than that, my bookshelf is now filled thanks to some much welcomed Christmas shopping. Am starting to understand what retail therapy is all about now haha. I haven't gotten to reading all of the stuff that I bought, but quality books were just going at amazing prices, as well as original DVDs, and I couldn't pass up the chance to grab myself a few. With some luck, and even more time to boot, I'll be able to have some good times in bed with a good novel or two. A long winter coat to combat the cold basically rounded up my Christmas shopping, and I hope people are satisfied with the gifts that I sent out =) Oh and since my birthday's just around the corner, I decided to splurge (sorry mum and dad!) on a new (literally) shiny phone for myself and a brand new contract with Vodafone. It's the HTC Touch Pro, which is really a feature packed monster for nerds like me to ogle over and put to good use. By some cruel twist of fate, the phone can't be used yet until Vodafone ports my number over from T-Mobile on Wednesday, but initial testing suggests that it's going to be a good buy. Yes, it does not have a minimalist design, nor is it as thin and light as the iPhone, but it makes up for it by being better features-wise and having a full-fledged slideout QWERTY keyboard. The TouchFlo 3D interface is amazing, and being able to move between tabs seamlessly is just such a treat. I didn't expect a phone running Windows to be able to launch programs and such without much of a lag time; Unlike the iPhone, mods and tweaks are readily available and are all free, which means I can customise my Touch Pro to my heart's content! The front panel IS a fingerprint magnet though, and you can't really use it without a decent screen protector in place in fear of scratching the gorgeous touchscreen, but the phone does come prepacked with one, which is a sign that the developers have already anticipated this problem.

Anyhow, I think that it's about time I go to bed. Nothing really significant here, just an update about my life. A more thought-provoking post should be on its way soon once i find the time to put some words down. Good night everybody! And hopefully everybody has a good year ahead!~Zhongy~

You can take from every experience what it has to offer you. And you cannot be defeated if you just keep taking one breath followed by another.~Oprah Winfrey

P/S Debbie if you're reading this, your sis and you deserve credit for the recipe haha =)

Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind

2008-12-30T22:06:00.006Z

I suppose the collage will speak a thousand words, and more for me. Please click to view as its too big to fit into the text box. A very Happy New Year to everybody! Hopefully you've had a great 2008 and here's for more good times to come in 2009. Cheers =) ~Zhongy~

Love, Life and All That's Left

2008-12-16T14:31:00.006Z

There's so much to say and I wonder where start. Term I in Warwick ended as quickly as it had begun and I'm now on holiday in Edinburgh after spending a week in London. You could say that this is a kind of retreat for me to recharge until the new year. Am grateful to Aunty Mary now for having me here. Edinburgh isn't as cold as I imagined, and I came prepared anyway. It really is a nice change of scenery from Warwick and London. The stone houses and brick roads are reminiscent of quaint architecture from a time long forgotten. Despite being a city, it has a town-ish feel around it, complete with a German Market and all now since it's near Christmas, and being here really reminds me of parts and bits of Tolkien's fantasy Middle Earth. Amazingly, the Scottish accent sounds like dwarvish in the movies, which may or may not be a good thing for the Scots...

London, London. Where do I start? At first look (and as Lee Feng kindly reminded me), I haven't done a lot despite spending a week there. It's true if you think about it in terms of sight-seeing, but I did spend a lot of time with friends whom I haven't seen for ages, which was very fruitful indeed. It's time like this when you really appreciate their presence in your life, and sometimes I do wish that I was studying in London so that I was closer to them. Having said that London isn't really a place I'd want to live in for long term. It's just too busy and hectic, and the streets aren't exactly safe at night. Still, as a holiday destination it has much to offer. The clubs, the lights, the museums and galleries, playhouses and theatres; it is really a boiling pot of culture both past and present. What can I mention here that has not already been documented in books, travel pamphlets and TV? London promises something for everyone, and delivers it in much excess that even the pickiest of people will find their needs fulfilled.

I didn't pass up on a chance to catch a play when I was down South and came away with a sense of money well spent. With student concession it was £27.50 for stall tickets to 'Les Misérables', the longest running play in the world, and it blew me away. Sure we staged plays and sketches in KTJ, but seeing it done professionally really illustrated how words can be brought to life. Victor Hugo's tale, set during the French Revolution, kept the audience mesmerised from the start to the end, earning it a standing ovation once the curtains fell. And while fashion falls in and out of vogue, classics will endure; and 'Les Misérables' is a towering example of that. While the props and sets might not have differed much from 22 years ago when it premiered, its epic and tear-jerking story, along with memorable performances and witty dialog, will continue to draw the crowd. Even on a weekday showing the playhouse was packed with excited people, both young and old, eager to witness this masterpiece of a play.

I visited the National Portrait Gallery as well, which I'm ashamed to say I didn't finish viewing simply because of the sheer size of the collection housed there. The pieces I DID see though, were amazing stuff and was a showcase of the sheer variety of art styles throughout the generations. Ranging from the Victorian and Elizabethan years, sculptures, busts to abstract art, photography and even caricatures, the gallery displayed them all and had my head spinning by the time I hit the third floor. I was mentally exhausted and just needed to take a break from the influx of colours, ideas and motifs in each and every creation of masters both ancient and recent. Still, it was a fantastic experience and I look forward to finishing my journey there when I go to London again.

I went on board the London Eye too, which is pretty similar to the one I took in Kagoshima, Japan a few years back. It was raining heavily on the day so me and Lee Feng couldn't really see very far even from the top, but we did have a good time together after having not seen each other for almost one and a half years since she left KTJ for Imperial. Feel relieved that she hasn't changed one bit since KTJ as we haven't really spoken to each other until I came to the UK. It was nice to catch up on things and hopefully our correspondence will last much longer this time round since we're both in the UK now.

Amidst all the hustle and bustle, one would wonder where I find time to do some thinking and soul-searching during my travails in London. Truth is, I've been thinking a great deal since the end of term and it all came to head during the train journey here to Edinburgh. Amidst all the busy-ness and frenetic life that I lead in Warwick, there will always be time for friends who, despite the distance apart and all our different schedules, still find time to care and give a damn about each other. Sure, it's easier now when there are e-mails, Skype and MSN, but all of those can't compensate for being physically in the presence of each other sometimes. Even now people talk about missing the life back in KTJ where everybody was living so close to each other and we could just go into each others' rooms or chat over stuff in the tuckshop. Now people are scattered around and are finding new friends too. Everybody is working hard to fit in and adapt to the challenges of university life, and we can't afford to meet up that often any more. But then, this is what makes me cherish trips like this down to London even more, where I can spend just some time with my close friends again. The next time I go down would probably be in February, which is in three months time, but I'm already anticipating a good time, if only over a weekend with people I love and care about. For me, that is what London means; A place to get together for old times, for good times and for bad times, to partake in everybody's lives once again, and maybe to remind people that you're not all dead and buried under piles of work and responsibilities. I'm lucky to have a place (Wei Rhong's flat!) to just take a step back and relax when I need a break from all the commitments. They say uni time is the time for partying and enjoying yourself; I disagree. It's when you learn the meaning of time management and knowing your limits while expanding your horizons at the same time. Everybody is out there living their own dream, and people find their own way around things which need to be done and stuff that they want to do. I'm content to pick and choose what and which that interests me the most, because I believe only such pursuits are worth my while. It might not be the most obvious choices, but then, we'll see how long it manages to hold my attention.

I'm trying my very best to post up photos on Facebook, which is being fickle with me at the moment but rest assured, it'll be done soon. Am typing this in Burger King since there's no Internet (yet!) in Aunty Mary's flat. Oh well... who's to question the idiosyncrasies of life?~Zhongy~

Yes She Does, No She Doesn't; Flip A Coin...

2008-11-27T00:53:00.005Z

The Last Song Ever
Secondhand Serenade
Awake

I wish my life was this song
cause songs they never die
I could write for years and years
and never have to cry
I’d show you how I feel
without saying a word
I could wrap up both our hearts
I know it sounds absurd

and I saw the tears on your face
I shot you down and I slammed the door
but couldn’t make a sound
so please stay sweet my dear
don’t hate me now
I can't tell how this last song ends

The way that I feel tonight so down
so down I pray I can swim just
so I won't drown
and the waves that crash over me
I am gasping for air take my hand
so I can breathe as I write this last song down

and I saw the tears on your face I shot you down
and I slammed the door but couldn’t make a sound
so please stay sweet my dear
don’t hate me now
I can't tell how this last song ends

The broken glass ..... your moistened skin
was everything was everything

and your broken voice ..... was quivering
your everything your everything

Scream at me make it the best I ever heard
laugh out loud I know it sounds absurd

Scream at me make it the best I ever heard
your everything your everything

Heart beats slowing pains are growing
does she love you that’s worth knowing

Heart beats slowing pains are growing
does she love you that’s worth knowing

~Zhongy~

迷惑中的一盏灯

2008-11-26T15:34:00.002Z

偶然之中在朋友的blog听到的一首歌，才发现自己的playlist里也有。现在听了好几遍，觉得真的很有意义，所以拿出来和大家分享。

给未来的自己
梁静茹
崇拜

站在狂風的天臺一望無際
這一座孤獨的城市
在天空與高樓交接的盡頭
誰追尋空曠的自由

陽光覆滿這一刻寧靜的我
隔絕了喧囂和冷漠
川流不息的人遊蕩在街頭
誰能聽見誰的寂寞

找一個人惺惺相惜
找一顆心心心相印
在這個宇宙
我是獨一無二
沒人能取代

不管怎樣
怎樣都會受傷
傷了又怎樣
至少我很堅強
我很坦蕩

夜幕籠罩燦爛的一片燈海
多少人多少種無奈
在星光裡遺忘昨天的傷害
一覺醒來還有期待

我不放棄愛的勇氣
我不懷疑會有真心
我要握住一個最美的夢給未來的自己

一天一天
一天推翻一天
堅持的信仰
我會記住自己今天的模樣

有一個人惺惺相惜
有一顆心心心相印
拋開過去
我想認真去追尋未來的自己

不管怎樣
怎樣都會受傷
傷了又怎樣
至少我很堅強
我很坦蕩

我不放棄愛的勇氣
我不懷疑會有真心
我要握住一個最美的夢給未來的自己

不管怎樣
怎樣都會受傷
傷了又怎樣
至少我很堅強
我很坦蕩
未來的你會懂我的瘋狂

这次用繁体字演绎出歌词，觉得别有一番味道，可能是因为与歌词中的含意有关连吧。看不懂繁体的读者们这次抱歉咯 =) ~翼/翔~

Hysterics Suffer Mainly From Reminiscences

2008-11-23T21:07:00.002Z

Quote Sigmund Freud. Frankly it gives me the chills thinking about this. Surely I'm not going to go hysterical by being sentimental? Just a random thought, but it's frightening nonetheless. Don't worry, I don't think I'm going to have a mental breakdown any time soon.

Finally a calm has descended upon my life here in Warwick. It's been a hectic first term for me and judging by my timetable next term which I've just got a glimpse of, it's going from bad to worse. More lectures per week, not to mention tutorials, supervisions and support classes too. Glad to know that I'm getting my money's worth of education, but seriously they could have been a little forgiving in arranging my schedule; or maybe I'm just biting off more than I can chew as usual. Promised myself that I will drop a module or two if I can't cope with the workload, or am not even vaguely interested in the subject. The only good thing is that they have reworked the timetable nicely, so most of the days my lectures end at 3 or 4 most of the days. Hopefully there will be enough time for me to catch a breather before my night activities; and no, they do not include drinking or clubbing...

But I guess in the frenzy of trying to get everything done on time, you start to appreciate the little joys in simple daily routines. Cooking (despite setting the cooker on fire, but more on this later...) and ironing have been a source of calm and peace in recent times, perhaps because in the midst of it, it allows me to take my mind off stuff and concentrate my attentions on something which seems so trivial, but provides me with a short period of serenity. I don't cook much back home, or ever did ironing before I came to the UK, but now I can't possibly go a week without whipping up some home-cooked food or flattening out the creases in my clothes. Maybe at a deeper level of consciousness it has something to do with ironing out the imperfections in my life, I don't know, but people should try it sometimes, as it really helps calm me down. Just turn on some soft music and try to relax while going through the wrinkles on your shirts, and at the end of the exercise you're bound to feel a deep sense of satisfaction when everything is all straightened out. As for cooking, nothing beats home-cooked food, even though it doesn't usually turn out quite well. Just had bak kut teh for lunch this evening with a couple of friends, and it was a very fulfilling experience, what with cold weather and all. I cheated by using those bak kut teh sachets from home, but oh well... Haha. Sometimes people like to pamper themselves, and I'm not much different.

But life isn't without its surprises sometimes. I managed to set my grill on fire on Friday, two hours before my Foundations test. It pretty easy really, just put some chicken on a rack, chuck it in and leave it for about 20 minutes. Soon you'll have a nice fire stoking on the grill, which I found out to my own shock/horror/disbelieve when smoke started to pour out of the kitchen. The fire alarm went off, security came and so did a fire engine ten minutes later. The entire flat had to evacuate the building, and i daresay I've annoyed a lot of people during the weekend, but in some twisted, sadistic way I couldn't stand the dark humour and grinned away sheepishly while firemen dragged their water hose four storeys up to put out the flames. I got a three different lectures on not leaving cooking food unattended in the kitchen, but it was all unintended great fun in the end haha. I think I'll be held liable for any damages, which amounted to only some melted wires behind the grill I hope, but oh well, lesson learnt I guess; and you won't believe the punch line in all this. I was baking wedges in the oven under the grill, and after everything I checked it and voila! perfectly baked potato goodness, while my chicken resembled smoking charcoal. God how I enjoyed that joke afterwards :D

I'm going to hitch hike to Morocco during the Easter Holidays next year! Going with Jayne and Wendy, two Malaysian seniors in Warwick, so it promises to be great fun. The event is organised by Link Community Development (LCD), which works in Africa to provide Education to every child. I have always been a staunch supporter of education as a long term strategy in combating poverty, and being able to do something realistic about it now got me really excited. All proceeds from our hitch will go towards LCD, so we're hoping to raise as much as possible for the children in Africa. To show your support please join my Facebook group 'Itchy Hitchers' (if you haven't already done so, you deserve to be shot!) and maybe donate at our justgiving site too. For readers in Malaysia who also wish to donate, please follow the instructions on the Facebook group and I thank all of you in advance for your moral (and hopefully, monetary) support =)

Term I is ending and I can't wait to go down to London to see my KTJ friends again, as well as Mr. & Mrs. Hitchman. After that it will be all the way north to Edinburgh to brave the blizzards of Scotland. On another note it would probably be a good retreat for a few weeks before I start hitting the example sheets again, and I'd get to see Amira again, at least until before she goes back to Malaysia. AMIRA IF YOU'RE READING THIS I MISS YOU AND YOUR FAIRY DUST A LOT!!! Hahaha. Seriously, a little magic dust is useful sometimes, if only to go to a place where dreams are born, and time is never planned. Wishful thinking I guess, but I'm only human after all.~Zhongy~

Reposted: High Definition Blues

2008-11-14T09:29:00.002Z

I'm going to do things a little differently this time. Read an amazing blogpost yesterday and got permission from the blogger to repost it here. It's quite lengthy but well worth the read. I must say some of the things mentioned are things that I had gone through before, or am going through now, and it really resonates. Credit to Quine for putting a lot of things into perspective and amazing clarity. So ladies and gentlemen, may I present

High Definition Blues
E-Quine
12/11/08

This is going to be another post about change.

I’ve always thought that change was slow and gradual, noticeable only if you step back and take a look at yourself after a few years and measure who you are in the present to who you were. That is, generally, still my perception of it, and it may be flawed, but who really knows?

I wasn’t really thinking about change, or about myself, actually, when something occurred to me – maybe change isn’t gradual. Maybe some changes, like the one I’ve just gone through, happens overnight. Lying in bed about three hours ago, I was talking to Steph about something when I realised how much I’ve slowed down my take on life; I think a lot more, I look at things differently. Then again, it may just be my change of perception, and not me actually changing, given the speed and rashness involved in my last relationship. Maybe. I just feel a lot older and less hotheaded about things now.

Or it might be that this change has been taking place, or is the final result of what has happened during the past five months, or even the past year, just that I have only come to realise it. It’s likely, but we’ll never know. I’ve never been in this position before, so it’s safe to say that I’m still walking on very thin ice, and I might just plunge under, despite how carefully I tread. On the bright side, I suppose it is a sort of clean slate. No mistakes to learn from, but no mistakes to repeat, either. I don’t know… I think of newly fallen snow, for some reason. I keep thinking of winter landscapes and unmarked snow, or autumn.

It’s odd because the last I checked with myself, I was all for summer, even though I’ve always loved winter for the simple reason that it had snow. Well, maybe not. When I was thirteen or fourteen, and possibly up until just before I turned sixteen, I was more the quiet type of person. I was averse to having attention drawn to myself, my self-esteem wasn’t what you’d call self-esteem, and at the same time, I was childish and hotheaded, but never in person. It seemed the only time I had the guts to do anything was in front of the computer screen, where sticks and stones would never reach me, but my words would slash and cut. Basically, I was a chicken shit. When I came to KTJ, with Shen and Ryan, I was still that person. They were always part of the cool group. No; they were the cool group. Dexter, Shen, Ryan, Jason, Phillip, Gary… whoever else there was. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be part of them, and as much as I thought I was, I wasn’t. I could never bring myself to… do the things they did, or live the kind of lives they had, or hang out as much as they did (partly due to the fact that I was situated on the antipodal end of the island). It was only after Shen and Ryan left, and after I’d broken up, that I was, in a way, finally free to stretch and come out of the shell I’d had on me. The oppressors were no longer there, I was in a new environment with new people to deal with, and the best thing was that I didn’t really care what these people thought of me. For the first time in my life, I was actually in charge of it. That brings me back to change; the biggest change in my life. KTJ brought out of me the ego I so fondly spoke of in one of my previous posts, turned me towards summer, let me have the breath of fresh air I’d always wanted, and let me be who I wanted to. Let me shave my head, Goddamn it.

And now I’m back to winter and… well, not to say that I’m withdrawn. Ponderous and meditative. Slow. You may disagree with me, and I might even agree with the reason you have for disagreeing, because some of the events that have transpired don’t really reflect this change I seem to be going on about. I know what some of it looks like, and I don’t like the way it looks, but I suppose you could say: at least I can see myself, somewhat.

This revamped version of me, maybe even better, doesn’t know what to make of anything. I feel like Bambi on ice (no offence to Steph). New. I don’t know. I’m contradicting myself. Winter, summer, and now spring. Spring. Melting snow, new buds, water. Why do I think of myself in seasons? The strangest thing about all this right now is that I feel young and new. I feel young and new, but I also feel incredibly old. Young in the sense that I feel brave enough to do things I may never do if I had previous negative experience, and that I know I will come away for the better even if I mess up along the way. And old. Old because… well. Feeling old is more of a situational thing. Based on my observations and watching people around me, I feel somewhat more mature than others. Call me elitist or condescending, it doesn’t matter. Everyone has these moments; I’m just owning up to it.

If ever someone asks me why I cannot speak like this in person, it’s because I hate being interrupted, and it will take me forever to be able to get this out by speaking. It’s just my mode of expression. I mean, sometimes I think it’s a bit childish that I only ever express myself like this through my blog, but it’s the same as writing in a diary, only less messy. That appeals to me because my handwriting is shit.

What am I doing now? Around a thousand words and one hour later, I don’t know. Still thinking, I suppose. Thinking without having anyone interrupt me, thinking without having sports to go for, thinking without having to get up and do things, thinking without having to worry about meetings or hockey or the yearbook. But that’s now as in the present time or moment. If I included a wider scope of circumstances and occasions that ‘now’ may encompass, I really wouldn’t know. I’m just living.

Love is (oh God, I’m back to this topic again) a very complicated emotion. For the past five months, I’ve had nothing else to live for besides my future and for the small hope that someday, things may be alright again. I never gave up hoping for it, because if I did, I’d have gone back to brushing things off my shoulder and making nothing of it. I wouldn’t have learnt anything, and well, what on Earth was I going to live for if nothing beautiful? Life is short, and I didn’t want to live my life just brushing off past experiences like they didn’t mean anything, because technically, I could do that for the rest of my life thinking that I never actually met the ‘right person’, so I clung on to the coattails of this passing gentleman and hung on for dear life. It did get me somewhere in the end.

Letting go of someone is… progressively easier. Not to say that I’m an expert, but based on what I’ve experienced. It’s never easy the first time you tell yourself you’re not going to talk to someone anymore. You can only hate for so long; it’s fiery, but it dies out, and then all there’s left is coldness and indifference. The temptation to resume talking in the hope that maybe something, if not everything, may be salvaged is always there. Mind, I’m speaking in the context of actually wanting to let go of someone intentionally. We always want to ‘just be friends’, but that is near impossible, especially if the bond between two individuals runs deep. The deeper the bond, the harder to break, the harder the fall, and the harder to heal. But after the first ordeal, your heart develops this first stratum of indifference or apathy, and it gets thicker and thicker until you are finally able to let go of the person completely, and feel nothing for it because you really are just weary and worn out by the effort it takes every time. The first time I tried to let someone go, to forget him, I couldn’t. I held out for three months, distracting myself, thinking about other things and turning my attention elsewhere. It was easy to do at first, because there was hate to help, but its effect wore off eventually. After fights and patching up and countless arguments, whatever remained died and I just let it wash away from me. It wasn’t really something I decided, rather happened. I suppose that subconsciously, I’d had enough of that scene in my life and it was really about time I moved on. Then again, whatever I say now may not be what I think in the future. I don’t think it’s possible for anyone to hold out completely and so stoically with just one view throughout time, but it may just be me being fickle about things, changing my ideals to suit whatever it is I may be thinking.

That brings me back to now. Now I’m living my life for my future and for someone I care about. It makes more sense to me to have loved than to never have loved at all, to have felt emotions that made me feel alive than to have shut myself out to everyone, and keep on moving on after each disaster because I don’t see the point on living my life for just that someone. It’s not that I do or am, but the process of packing up and peregrinating is a process I could repeat forever if I wanted to.

Do I wish it didn’t happen? I never expected it to, and I never thought it would end up this way, but I’m happy it did, and even better since it so happened for someone significant. Fleeting fancies lose their charm after you catch hold of them and look at them up close. Rather like how a strand of hair is seemingly perfect until you magnify it about ten thousand times its original size, because then you see all the frayed ends, the irregularities and the jagged edges. You let them pass and go, and let them go on their way, and they leave barely a dent compared to some others, sanguine as they may be because deep down you know that nothing meaningful will grow out of it. Quite like killing the chances of things happening, but there are some things I want to play safe.

It may just be the consequences of my upbringing, but I regard people who don’t read with slight distaste. No, not people who don’t read, per se, rather, people who proudly declare that they have an aversion towards large quantities of text, apparently turned off by the sheer volume of words. Technically, people who don’t read. I don’t know why I have a problem with that, but it irritates me. Maybe because I get people telling me, “Shit man, I just saw your latest post and I didn’t bother reading because it was so long!” and then ask me to tell them what I said in it, and I can’t because I’ve already let it all out there, and I can’t be bothered to talk about it. Read the damn thing if you want to know.

That, and I can’t stand people who blog in chtspk. It is such a turn-off.

Another hour has gone by. It is 4:05 AM and I am feeling the beginnings of diarrhoea. I hope it will pass before I have to ‘wake up’.

Forty minutes have gone by. My guts aren’t fidgeting anymore. I’ve just been listening to music.

End post here.

Quine I used the word 'amazing' twice in five sentences so you can see how much I really like it haha. Fantastic post really. Keep up the good work, albeit at a more humane hour =P ~Zhongy~

if Life Was Always Going to be Free Flowing All the Time, It Would Be Downright Boring

2008-11-11T18:48:00.005Z

That's what somebody told me some time ago, and I agree.

Maybe some people's had it easier than others, but humans grow through challenges. Only through hardship can we know our limits and push our horizons further. Strength through adversity, adversa virtute repello. It may be that God was unfair in handing out gifts to every different individual. There is no one perfect person, but I believe everybody was showered with the potential to succeed in his or her own personal way. Even though we fall, there will always be our own way to climb back up again; and it is by utilising our talents to the fullest that we can allow our qualities to shine through. He who laughs last, laughs best. We might not make it this time, or the next time, or the time after next, but we should always give ourselves a chance to have one more shot, one more go. It doesn't matter how many times it takes, as long as we can pick ourselves up again and again, we will get there at last. At the end of the day, you answer only to yourself. Fear, guilt and regret are only negative emotions holding us back from what we can achieve if we push ourselves to do our best, because only the best will suffice, and we can ask of no more from ourselves. Struggle on, for every time you push through you grow up, and every extra step you take now brings you closer to perfection. Rage against your self-imposed confinement within the delusions of contentment; let yourself know that you can be better, can strive harder and can be the master of your own destiny. God did not decide what your life will be; only you yourself shape what it should become. Give me my life, and I will wrought a legend as only I can. Temper your resolve, and in time you will furnish a masterpiece with your own bare hands and tools. This, nobody can take away; This is yours, and yours alone. Yours to cherish, yours to refine, yours to be proud of, for ages and ages to come.

Shall we lie back and watch the seasons go by? Or do we leave a blazing trail in the annals of time?~Zhongy~

Fused Out Bulb

2008-11-03T13:25:00.004Z

I wake up this morning suddenly feeling really disillusioned with myself. Just didn't feel like doing anything but lie in bed, listening to music and drifting off to sleep. True enough I dully skipped the 9 o'clock lecture. Unfortunately there was an assignment to hand up and I had to rouse myself from my stupor to make an effort to hand it in. Now that I had a proper go at another assignment sheet, I feel even more frustrated with myself. I'm just not in the mood to do any math right now. It just seems downright monotonous and dull, at times incomprehensible and totally out of sync. There's a new module lecture starting today and I hope I'd be able to rouse enough interest for that. Sometimes too much of a good thing can be bad I guess, no matter how much I love the challenge. It feels like there's now an inscalable wall standing right in front of me, and I just can't find a way around it. Only half way into the first term and I'm feeling burnt out from math. I guess it's true when they say that it's not for everyone. I need a break from the stress; Need to get out of the loop of constantly having tests and assignments every week which bloody counts towards my final. Now I'm missing the times when I can curl up in my bed during prep time reading a novel. I just can't help feeling disappointed with myself every time I don't make 80~90% on an assignment or a test, but that seems to be happening too frequently now. So annoyed... It's not like I don't know what's going on, it's just that silly mistakes somehow creeps in, or there's just a funky manipulation that I missed. I just hate it. I just want to feel good for once. There's no point in just bulldozing forward if I don't have a proper foundation. Sure the lectures are interesting, but I end up stumped when it gets to doing the exercises for handing in assignments. It's like there's something missing. A spark's gone. The bulb fused out. I need to get a goddamn life back.~Zhongy~

The Inevitability of Change

2008-11-01T22:36:00.009Z

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France, French novelist (1844-1924)

Truer words have never been spoken. With my time here at Warwick finally picking up pace, I figured this would be a good time to change my blogskin as well as a reflection of the transition in my life.

The subtitle to my blog this time is a quote by Nobel Prize winning novelist Anatole France. I'm sure most of us are already familiar with the concept of inertia as a law of Physics. The fact is, humans are creatures of habit. No matter how adaptable a person is, your brain automatically resists the changes because changes force you out of your comfort zone. You are compelled to do things in a different way, or try things that you have never done before, maybe even change your mindset and lifestyle, and your body subconsciously resists these changes, but eventually it adapts. It finds a middle ground between the old and the new. For me, there is no such thing as a 'total makeover'. Whatever happens in the past will affect the present and future. 'Starting on a clean slate', 'or turning over a new leaf', are just perceptions of judgemental people. Invariably, people are linked to their past actions and decisions. A theory of note would be Einstein's Relativity Theory on Light Cones:

by using this diagram, he explained how the past affected the present and future. Anything outside the shaded regions of the cone would not have an effect on our lives, but anything that occurred within the cones would. General relativity at work.

Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the phoenix~Christina Baldwin, author

Despite our resistance to change, it is the sign of progress. Without change, civilisation would have stagnated. Change is the mark of evolution. Barack Obama, who is the frontrunner in the current American Presidential Race, based his campaign on change. 'Change We Can Believe In' was his tagline, and it has become the cornerstone of his success. Whatever your political leaning may be, reading his book 'The Audacity of Hope' must surely feel like a fresh breath of air from old-school politics. If his campaign is successful, Obama would become the first coloured president of the United States, signalling yet another milestone in the history of American history. With the current state of affairs in America especially in the economical and foreign affairs sector, it is evident that a shift of policies is needed in the government, and both presidential candidates have promised change from the Bush establishment to take the country forward once more. While the 'reformist' tag will always stay with Obama, McCain has also tried to distance himself from failed Bush policies to garner votes in the race.

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.~Nelson Mandela, South African Civil Rights Leader (1918-present)

I have enormous respect for Mandela, more so after reading his book 'A Long Walk to Freedom', from which this quote originated. It is unavoidable that being in a foreign land, my lifestyle and mannerisms will somehow change to adapt and accomodate the differences in culture. Friends have already noted that I'm starting to develop a British accent, and I've also learnt to do some household chores to maintain my general wellbeing in school. Whether I would be judged to be different when I return to Malaysia I don't know, but hopefully it is a change for the better. Still in the process, something from the past is lost in the torrents of change. Yet through the rain, there are some things that will remain untouched, and it will be these constants that will see me through to the end.

I promise I will, and forever will remain,

Zhong.

And We're ALLLLL Set for a White Christmas Now...

2008-10-28T17:03:00.002Z

It's snowing. Yes. Now.

I don't know whether I should be jumping up and down celebrating, or I should be cursing that I am in the Math Department Building without a coat or jacket with me.

Hard to imagine that just on Sunday it was 'officially' the end of the summer time zone. Cue daylight savings and turning the clock back an hour. It's still technically the start of autumn for God's sake, and I'm having ice raining down on my head already... Good to know that whoever is up there has a sense of humour. It was sunny this morning. It was summer about three weeks ago?

I don't really expect this to last though. Maybe through out the night until tomorrow morning or something. Then maybe we can return to normal autumn weather where I can go out without a jacket or a coat or a hoody. The leaves haven't even all turned brown yet, much less fall from their perch amongst the branches. Blame global warming, I thought the temperatures were suppose to go up?

Oh well.. 'lil Nunu suggested building a snowman. I might do that if I can find the time. Nothing like a little festive spirit to warm the cold nights eh? And it's about time I broke out that Milo in my cupboard =) Here's for a white Christmas, IN TWO MONTH'S TIME!!~Zhongy~

Nobody Said It Was Going To Be So Hard...

2008-10-25T11:54:00.004+01:00

I think I'm starting to become a fan of Coldplay. I just like their brand of soft rock alot. I know I'd come under alot of flak for listening to what some people amount to 'emo music', especially with my sentimental emotions, but oh well, since when did I care anyway.

My laptop died a few days ago, and now I'm in the library (on a Saturday!) using the computers there to help fill up some of the technological void. I got it checked out at my uni's IT services department and apparently the motherboard died. My guess is that some part probably melted because of over-heating but I'm really disappointed nonetheless. It's been with me for only a year and 3 months and I've kinda grown attached to it. To add insult to injury, Dell UK can't repair it for me because they don't carry the parts for the Inspiron 1420 here. To repair it would mean sending the laptop half way across the world back to Malaysia or across the Atlantic to the States. I'd probably send it back during December and get it sorted by Malaysia. THEN I'd probably pass it on to my sister. As long as it doesn't act up I'm quite confident that the laptop is sufficiently good enough to last for a few years more. And I got it covered under warranty until 2010 anyways.

Which brings us to the question of which replacement I should get in the UK. I've set myself a budget of 500 pounds, but surprisingly it's yield some good choices. Am currently still contemplating between the Toshiba A200-28P, HP dv6800 and HP dv6908em, but I think I'm leaning towards the Toshiba more, rather than the two HPs. Anybody has any opinions or prior experience to share about either three? Would probably put in an order this Sunday or Monday as soon as I get some feedback from my hometown 'experts' and hopefully it'd arrive within the next week. Figured that I can't really live without a laptop now that my current phone can't surf the net. Not being connected has really been a pain, and it's these times when you really appreciate the advantages of mobility.

I woke up today feeling some sense of belonging to my room. It might just be the fact that I slept in until 10 am today, but I think I'm gradually adjusting to the uni life here now. The tests and assignment marks are not looking very healthy at the moment, but I just can't really be bothered to care now. I guess it'd pick itself up at the end. And no, despite all the social events, it does not need to revolve around drinking and partying all night long (despite what people might think or say). You can still get along fine without drinking or clubbing and I'm honestly glad that it's that way. I was just talking to Nathan, my half-British, half-German flat mate the other day and he was saying just how glad he is that all six (ok, maybe five) of our flatmates have been gelling perfectly well together, and I agree. It's starting to become like KTJ, where people can just go into your room and talk, laugh or have coffee together. The kitchen has become the most regular meeting place though, but it's always nice to have a good chat sometimes.

Probably the only thing I regret here is not really being able to play much tennis. It's just too windy to play outdoors nowadays and to book the indoor courts are a pain. Not to mention that since I don't really know any players around here, practice partners have been really hard to come by. There's a coaching programme running but I don't think I'm picking it up. There's just too many things to do at the moment to have regular coaching sessions.. Oh well... It's all about give and take I guess. But on the bright side, I'm starting to get the hang of aikido, which I'm quite proud of. The first few training sessions has been really strenuous, to say the least, but I think after one month of conditioning, my body's adjusting well to the constant abuse of falling on mats. Granted I still wake up the next morning after training feeling sore all over, but it's becoming easier to take now.

Reading Malaysian news in UK has left me feeling quite distant from my motherland. In a way, even though I'm still keeping myself updated everyday, it just doesn't feel the same when you don't really feel the effects on every day society. Maybe this was how Philip Larkin felt atop his ivory tower looking down at England in the mid 20th-Century; but unlike him, I don't have the poetic talent, nor the critical tongue to criticise what is happening now in my country. To me, everything seems to be moving in a perennial loop of politicking. While headlines in the States and the UK are dominated by the looming economic recession (or God forbid, depression), Malaysia seems oblivious to probably the biggest economic crisis since 1997. How our economic market is going to survive this I don't know, but probably the most disturbing thing is that nobody seems to have a plan to soften the effects of this impending credit crunch on the regular rakyat. Hopefully, somebody will come to their senses and get down to drawing plans soon. Heck, it may already be too late now, as the UK people are already feeling the pinch of the credit crunch...

Just finished listening to the entire Coldplay 'Live In Munich' Concert on internet radio and it was immensely good. Maybe I'd find time to watch one of their gigs in UK before the 3 years are up. On another note, I'm off to Nottingham Games on the 8th of November to play Scrabble (of all things...) but it'd be good fun to meet up with tonnes of Malaysian friends I guess. Other than that I still have a date to keep in London and hopefully I'd be able to find time for that. Hopefully the next few weeks will unravel nicely and there wouldn't be any hitches on the way.

Anyhow I need to go off for lunch now. I hope everything is going well for all the readers of this blog. Hopefully we'll see each other soon.

I'm starting to feel nostalgic again...~Zhongy~

展翼昂翔

2008-10-18T00:24:00.002+01:00

很久没写华文的贴子了，我的母语引用也大概生锈了吧。。。好久也没听华文歌曲了。这首歌还得感谢毓芷介绍与转载给我。听过了他的新专辑，感觉上周董的歌曲旋律都还没什么改变，但这首歌给我一种有所突破的感觉。加上我现在身处异乡，所以听了也可能特别有所感触吧。多说无益，让你们自己来品赏吧！~翼/翔~

稻香
周杰伦

对这个世界如果你有太多的抱怨
跌倒了就不敢继续往前走
为什么人要这么的脆弱堕落
请你打开电视看看
多少人为生命在努力勇敢的走下去
我们是不是该知足
珍惜一切就算没有拥有

还记得你说家是唯一的城堡随着稻香河流继续奔跑
微微笑小时候的梦我知道
不要哭让萤火虫带着你逃跑乡间的歌谣永远的依靠
回家吧回到最初的美好

不要这么容易就想放弃就像我说的
追不到的梦想换个梦不就得了
为自己的人生鲜艳上色先把爱涂上喜欢的颜色
笑一个吧功成名就不是目的
让自己快乐快乐这才叫做意义
童年的纸飞机现在终于飞回我手里
所谓的那快乐赤脚在田里追蜻蜓追到累了
偷摘水果被蜜蜂给叮到怕了谁在偷笑呢
我靠着稻草人吹着风唱着歌睡着了
哦哦午后吉它在虫鸣中更清脆
哦哦阳光洒在路上就不怕心碎
珍惜一切就算没有拥有

还记得你说家是唯一的城堡随着稻香河流继续奔跑
微微笑小时候的梦我知道
不要哭让萤火虫带着你逃跑乡间的歌谣永远的依靠
回家吧回到最初的美好

Words Are Flowing Out Like Endless Rain Into A Paper Cup..

2008-10-14T22:24:00.007+01:00

Now fades the last long streak of snow,
Now burgeons every maze of quick
About the flowering squares, and thick
By ashen roots the violets blow.
~ Alfred, Lord Tennyson

And as the third week of the term passes by, I am still not really settled down into a proper routine in Warwick. Sure, Orientation week was fun, the first few weeks of studying were hectic, and London was wonderful, but amongst it all, there are still doubts of whether I really belong here. I question whether I've made the right decisions, taking the steps that I did. If I knew that it was going to be like that, would I have come here to where I am now?

The 'honeymoon' period's over. It's time to sit down and work, for real. When at times I just want to push away everything and just lie down to enjoy the clear blue sky, I find that I have already filled up my diary with classes and things to do to divert my attentions from these feelings. When everything's all gloomy, sometimes it's better to just keep yourself occupied with one thing or another before I sink into depression. But the workload I have now just overwhelms me. I guess rushing to classes every hour or so is just not my style of studying, but it was my own decision to take up so many modules. They all sounded so interesting and warranted a try at least. And now that I've been to the lectures, I can't bear not knowing more about these optional modules. Instead I'm wishing that I could drop some of the core ones. Some of the things are just repeated A Levels stuff and are just so boring to go through again. I miss Mr. Finch. I miss sitting in his office doing math questions together and having an intelligent conversation. I miss my double math class where almost every lesson was a joke, AND we still got the grades. University life is just so much more hectic then what I'm used to. 25 hours a week of lectures now seems so much compared to the 40 I use to do back home.

I guess university life is just another learning process (which incidentally, it should be...). There are stuff that you just need to take care of yourself, and I don't mean household chores. I don't mind cooking, doing laundry and cleaning out my room. But I mind not having time on my own for myself and for people close to me. E-mailing and Skype seems a pain now compared to last time when it was easy to just pick up the phone to make a call or we could just talk face-to-face. Now I have to check my schedule and make appointments. It seems so difficult just to do something random, like out of the blue... when I feel like it... Sure, I have the freedom to skip lectures and all, but somehow you'd feel obliged to go for them, even if I know I'd most likely fall asleep half way through the lecture... I miss being able to curl up in a big arm chair to read an exciting novel, or just laze in bed all day thinking about nothing. Maybe I should just go catch a movie some time. I need to release some tension and stress... that is, IF I can find the time to catch a movie. I'm envious of all you people in London who have the time to catch plays and theatre and stuff... I'm so near Stratford-upon-Avon but can't find the time to visit the Royal Shakespeare Company... Ishhh... I guess I'll catch one the next time I go to London or something...

I know I'm being sentimental again... I like to say that it's sentimental, which sounds so much nicer than 'emo'. I wish there would be time where we could just sit around a table in Starbucks and sip ice-blended coffee while chatting about the good 'ole times. I miss lying in someone else's bed and just enjoying the presence of the other person in my company. I miss the times when I could just do something when I feel like it. I don't want to be trapped by petty things such as schedules and timetables. I feel like re-decorating my room so that it feels more cosy.

I miss feeling invincible. I really do, and I miss you...

、。

For winter's rains and ruins are over,
And all the season of snows and sins;
The days dividing lover and lover,
The light that loses, the night that wins;
And time remembered is grief forgotten,
And frosts are slain and flowers begotten,
And in green underwood and cover
Blossom by blossom the spring begins.
~ Algernon Charles Swinburne

~Zhongy~

From My Heart To Yours..

2008-10-12T01:09:00.002+01:00

I realised today that I can probably never be a clubbing sort of person.

Don't ask me why, but the fact is that to bring myself to 'let my hair down' so to speak, involves breaking a few psychological barriers within which have probably been there for, well ages. Call me chicken, but I think that I lack the courage to pull down these walls that I have put in place for myself. Maybe it's just a part of me that I am not ready to face yet, or that it's just a part that I'm not ready to reveal to other people. It's just Zhongy being himself I guess, and no amount of loud music or alcohol will change that. Either way, I'm sorry if I spoilt the clubbing mood today. I was really happy to see all you guys enjoy yourself and it was really good to meet up again after so long =)

It was equally nice to have finally met Ash, 'lil Nunu, Debbie, Wen Yao and Hui Ming in the morning for brunch too haha. None of you have changed any bit since we left KTJ, and I hope that it stays the same. Special thanks to Wen Yao for letting me spend the night at his place and of course, for great company. Going to meet Azlan tomorrow before I go back to Warwick, and I think that should turn out fine as well.

Went shopping at Oxford Street today. I didn't really expect to buy anything and was just looking out for stuff that I might need. End up buying a GAP hood which looks damn nice and keeps me warm for 38 pounds. It wasn't that bad considering the quality of the material and the fact that it was GAP. Quite pleased with the purchase that would add to my winter wardrobe. Going back there again to see whether there are other bargains available. Saw some nice long-sleeved shirts in T&M going for only 10 pounds but I was too lazy to try on for sizes. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow... Hahahahha.

I thought the trip to London was very successful this time round. It was good to meet up with KTJ people today and I am extremely pleased to see people that I have missed a lot. Maybe there were a few others whom I didn't meet on this trip, but I guess there will be a next time. Back to slogging in Warwick tomorrow, and I think the only time I would go down to London again would be during December since I'm so busy much of the time. Other than that there's still an appointment with Amira to keep in Edinburgh, but we'll see how that goes. Anyhow I hope to see everyone again at Nott's Games at least, IF I decide to make the trip amongst my busy schedule.

Anyhow I'm in Wen Yao's flat now, signing off. Take care people. Cheers =)~Zhongy~

First Post in the Midlands

2008-10-03T11:37:00.003+01:00

It's another 20 minutes to my next lecture so I'm hoping that I get this done by then. If not, I'll finish it later haha. For those of you who have not popped that question yet, yes Warwick is fine. It's a huge place (750 acres!!) with fantastic sports facilities (apparently the Olympic tennis team for 2012 is going to train here) which is splat in the middle of nowhere. Sounds familiar? Well in a way it's like KTJ extended, along with sprawling fields and a lot more walking to do if you want to travel to places. My room in Tocil is almost as big as the room at home, and I'm sharing that with my brother! It doesn't have on suite bathrooms though, but there's a shower and bathtub that six of us in the apartment share, so it's not that bad. For those of you who still DON'T know where the University of Warwick is, it's 20 minutes off Coventry and Birmingham, and about two hours' drive from London. No, it's not in Warwickshire, so don't bother looking there. You won't find it haha.

Coventry is basically the nearest town, and there's regular bus services there everyday for people to do their shopping and stuff. Almost everything is available there, except for the Chinese/Asian stuff which is available in Birmingham. Usually we do shopping at Tesco's or Costcutters though, which is located on campus. The living halls are self-catered, so people usually group together to cook up gastronomic delights (or disasters if you prefer). Seriously it's not that bad. Nine of us Malaysians whipped up bah kut teh the other day and it was authentic enough haha. So far fried rice seems to be the most popular dish, but maybe I'm going to try my hand at curry tonight? Any takers? Haha.

The lectures just started and I guess it's not bad. They're still revising some A Levels stuff and so there's not been much excitement now. Apparently some people in math course can't integrate or differentiate to save their lives, so yea, we're revising. I was quite pleased actually that there was a topic on the Theorem of Infinite Primes, which we proved (if people can remember) in Further Math class last term or the term before. That was by far the most interesting topic so far and hopefully the other lectures will start to gather up speed and get to the exciting stuff. I'm taking something like 171.5 CATS now, which apparently is suicide (the minimum is 120 and maximum is 180. 1 CAT is equivalent to about 3 hours of study). Oh well, blame it on my broad range of interests. AND I'm actually trying to pick up some French this year, which counts for 24 CATS and have nothing to do with my course. I have a nagging feeling I'm going to drop some of those option modules if I find them not to my liking or that I have a tendency to doze off half way. Lectures are conducted in one hour sessions and rarely continuously, making them compact and easier for students to concentrate, which is a good thing. There's also support classes, supervisions and tutorials but they've not started yet.

So far the company here's been great. Everybody (who are not Asians) seems to be fascinated at the Malaysian weather. It's not been that nice here though. Imagine the sun shining down on you but you feel that your hands are freezing, not to mention that the wind seems bent on blowing you away. I'm waking up with cramps in my legs some days when it gets too cold but well, nothing too serious. Probably will get an extra duvet to make it feel more cozy and roomy in bed haha. Other than that, the weather's been good to my skin and there's no sign of any eczema outbursts anywhere. Quine you should come here, solves the problem for once haha. Either way, the climate's still bearable so I'm not complaining... yet... The Asians are nice too. I have a group of Malaysian friends whom always hang out together for food and fun so it's kinda nice, though none of them are doing math. I think most of the Asians here end up doing courses in Warwick Business School more than anything, especially Accounting and Finance, Law and Economics. Haven't met a local accountant or financier yet, so you can imagine. Despite only making up only 20% of the student population, there's actually a pretty diverse mix of foreigners here. I've met people from places like Germany, Lithuania, China, Mauritius, Bulgaria, India, even Israel. It's interesting to hear groups of people suddenly breaking out in conversation in a language you can't understand, and it really adds to the cosmopolitan atmosphere in the uni.

I actually completed this after dinner of curry and grilled chicken with rice, which was not bad. Looks like I'm picking up some culinary skills along the way here, or maybe it was always in the genes haha. Either way, I'm happy to cook for people if they enjoy the food so much, and are willing to bring in the ingredients for me to work on. I'll try my best to keep this blog posted among hectic classes and replying various e-mails, so do watch this spot. Maybe some day I'll write an article in French, who knows? Haha. Oh well, until then, take care and please let me know how you're getting on. Cheers =)~Zhongy~

Scribbled In Kensington Garden Square, September 21, 2008

2008-09-21T07:30:00.003+01:00

Composed Upon Westminister Bridge, September 3, 1802
William Wordsworth

Earth has not anything to show more fair:
Dull would he be of soul who could pass by
A sight so touching in its majesty:
This City now doth like a garment wear
The beauty of the morning; silent , bare,
Ships, towers, domes, theatres, and temples lie
Open unto the fields, and to the sky,
All bright and glittering in the smokeless air.
Never did the sun more beautifully steep
In his first splendour, valley, rock, or hill;
Ne'er saw I, never felt a calm so deep!
The river glideth at his own sweet will:
Dear God! the very houses seem asleep;
And all that mighty heart is lying still!

I woke up at five today and took a glance out of the window of Jasmine's Kensington Garden Square flat. It might not be Westminister Bridge (which btw is near Trafalgar Square and Big Ben, where I visited yesterday evening), but after two days here in London I can see what Wordsworth meant in his poem. The city's very quiet now, but pretty soon it'll be bustling with people. Surprisingly, London doesn't seem to be as congested as KL, nor as polluted, though the air is pretty thin here. I also like the way the old buildings blend into the landscape. It's not exactly what you expect from one of the busiest cities in the world, but the old architecture really gives the city a rustic, more laidback feel compared to like, Tokyo or Singapore. It certainly helps ease the stress of constant hustle bustle in the city.

The flight to Heathrow from KLIA was mind-numbing torture. I hope I don't have to go through it too much. Ended up watching 3 movies and 3 TV shows, in addition to listening to random music and playing some brainless games on screen (Pong! Can you imagine?!). I am really grateful to Keegan, Ding and Van for being at KLIA to send me off, together with Chong and Chee, WHO WERE LATE! Haha. No worries, I'm glad you guys made it in the end before I left. Keegan was kinda stoned, and Van looked pale, but yea, it was nice to see all of you before I left (ESPECIALLY VAN, WHO DID NOT SEE ME BEFORE THIS!!!). Thanks for coming guys, I really appreciate it. Thanks to Sin Ye who came too, and for the earphones haha. The sound is excellent, and the mike works, but it's kinda too small for my head, even after I extend it all the way. Oh well, haha, beggars can't be choosers.

Amazingly, I don't feel any jetlag at all despite this being my first time being in the UK. The plus side is of course, I get to go sight-seeing around London for a few days before I leave!! Hahahaha. The company here in Kensington Garden Square is really good, and I'm really grateful to Jasmine, Kelly and Scott for having me over and showing me around London. Too bad Anthony couldn't be here though... The weather's been excellent. 20 degrees with plenty of sunshine, and it's suppose to be this way for a few more days, which is GREAT news. The sheer size of London though, means I'm still kinda lost even in Kensington. Have to learn the roads quickly, since I'm going to have to go to Hendon on Monday to meet DEBBAY!!! Hahahahhaha. See Debbie? I go all the way to see you... Ish... Haha. Or do you want to meet in Oxford Street?

The stay here so far's been great, and I'm really looking forward to Warwick now. Can you imagine that there's a test on the first Wednesday of term? Time to start brushing up on my Integration, Differentiation and Trigo. Hopefully I'll do fine since it counts towards my final. Ish... Been busy e-mailing in the morning since I woke up early, and I hope people do reply my mail. For those whom I promised to e-mail but did not, please don't lose faith haha. It's because I'm kinda lost for words now for you and don't know what to say. I promise I'll get down to it as soon as I can. Will probably have pictures up soon, assuming I can get myself to load them into my laptop =P For all the people in UK, please drop me a message and tell me your number. I'll get my phone today and keep you guys updated. It'll probably only be a temporary number until I get my bank account sorted out and go on contract. I WANT A NOKIA 6500 SLIDE!!! IT LOOKS SO AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL!!! Seriously, I've never been THIS infatuated with a phone until now. Please, please, PLEASE forgive the vanity but seriously, it's so PRETTY!!! Hahahhaha.

Anyhow, signing off now. Don't miss me k? It's only been two days haha. Take care people...~Zhongy~

You'll Think Of Me
Keith Urban
Golden Road

I woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cap and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been
So

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cap and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
And take your cap and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and all your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cap and leave my sweater
'Cause we got nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah

And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday

ありがとうございま

2008-09-17T15:55:00.007+01:00

If ever there was a time to say thank you, I guess this is it. It's two more days before I move on to the next phase of my life, and as my MSN personal message says, I want to leave Melaka without any regrets. So, here's a small thank you note to all my friends out there whom I can think of. If you're not mentioned, please don't feel sad (or come after me!). Your friendship will always be treasured and remembered =)

So to kick things off (this is random btw, I'll put people down as I think of them)...

Ash a.k.a. Cap'n Jack for being a fantastic Head Boy, good listener, confidante, advisor, sleep therapist, food supply (occasionally!), sharing your bed and arguing about stuff. Did I mention the comedy double act with JaYus?

Jun for also sharing your bed sometimes, listening to stuff, BIG source of entertainment and helpful advice, especially about family...

Amira for well, almost everything in KTJ. I can't remember doing anything without her being involved. ENORMOUS thank you too for listening and being supportive whenever I needed it. Also for all the fun times and photos =) I know you got more photos of me than I have of myself hahahahahhahaha!

Jenny for being an understanding friend and big mum to almost everybody in KTJ.

Joanne for keeping me grounded and being good competition in English Literature. Yes it does help :P

Erazon for yea, almost everything too, especially a caring friend and excellent competition in Double Math class. It seriously went down the wire. Also for all the humour (it's lame, but oh well...) and encouragement during trying times.

Alvinraj for also being good competition in Double Math and another double act with Kevin haha. Also for being my tennis partner for the most part of KTJ, even though my standard's not reaaaallllyyyyy there yet.

AISHA!!! for all the fun times and British sarcasm!!!! Also not forgetting being partner-in-crime in procrastinating (ssssshhhhhhhhhh.........) and those last-minute studying sessions. Soooo going to miss your enthusiasm and happy-go-lucky-ness!! There should be more people like YOUUUU~~!!!~~!~! Hahahahahahahaha....

Wei Rhong for being the gayish punching bag =P not doing double math work and all the gung-ho "don't care lah" moments. YOU MUST COME TO MELAKA AGAIN!!! (my sis thinks that you're hot haha)

Wan Ahmad for all the tennis and help during OBS hehe. Also your laptop controllers and Winning Eleven sessions.

Debster for being a nice President, source of amusement and annoying random-ness. Also for all the times on prefect duty together and ganging up on me with Pam.

Hui Ming for generally being an annoying presence (just joking!) plus all the theological debates. They were highly amusing I assure you.

Quine for taking over most of my job in school. Yes that includes shouting 'NO EXIT' in the tuckshop =) I'm glad that caught on hahahahaha. Gerald and Aunty Anne will be very pleased.

Gerald for all the sports debate, insight, speculation and sharing the moments. Also making fun of Max, Bobby, baby Ben, ZABIDI and all the other juniors you can think of. Thank you to Aunty Anne and Uncle too for taking care of me during my stay in KTJ.

'Lil NUNU for always being a nice 'lil girl haha. Seriously. Also thanks for reminding me that smart people are annoying (which makes you annoying too btw), lending me your Physics notes, being responsible for all the stuff and giving me hope for the future of Malaysian politics =P

Pam for everything you've done and more. No thanks for sounding like my mum, being annoying, nonchalant and constantly pouting haha. And yes for making me feel like an idiot. I kinda regret not knowing you better earlier in KTJ despite even being in the same OBS group. Be nice and TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF!

Chong (no I'm not calling you Wen Shan) for tonnes and tonnes of help, teh tarik sessions and sticking with me through everything. I must admit the rumours about you have also been a constant source of entertainment hehe =D Please forward on the same to your shadow Jenn Yang.

Ding (Yan) for all the sarcasm, complaints, political insight (better than Hong Kong drama, I know) and also sticking with me through everything. YOU still owe me a meal btw. Hahaha. Livewire in the club and certified joker.

Ding (Jian), yes the cousin. Thanks for being annoyingly absent most of the time. But of course for always a good and hilarious game of tennis, movie session, gags, jokes, parodies and stand up comedy. Ah yes advice too. We SHOULD meet up in UK.

Kai Zhang and Yee Wern for being good tennis kaki's. Also for being good friends since like, forever. Haha. You guys are the longest I think.

Choon Zhi for being the driver and source of gossip in Melaka haha. Also for all the times in SFI and after that. Lame jokes aside, you should make a good pharmacist lol.

Teck Hin for being a dustbin like me when it comes to FOOD. Can eat non-stop and think about the consequences later =P Also for being a very good friend and confidante.

Nian Yang and Soon for also being fast friends even though we don't really keep in contact anymore. I know I can always rely on you guys if I need help =)

Vanny for being a good listener and caring friend =) I very 'pek chek' sometimes look at you but you always bring a smile to my face =) Also another one TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF!!!

Sin Ye for being the driver in Melaka and something closest to an eldest sister, even though technically she's my aunty haha. Also for all the good food =D

Should I run off a list of all the other people I would like to mention as well? I feel obliged to express my utmost gratitude also to Faiz and Nadzra, Dolly, Yan, Surein, C.J., Wen Yao, Wei Ern, Shu Yi, Rhu Vern, Wei Yi, Keegan, Alison, Isaac, Zhi Wei, Tian Huey and Shan, Hui Xiang a.k.a. Firz, York Xiong and Hui May, Tony, Muzaffar 'hot stuff' Qays, Ikki, Tian Kang and Tian Siong, Yeh Ruenn, Su Lynn, Azlan and everybody else for everything that you have done. Good bye and God bless. 有缘再见.

Sayonara, au revoir and goodbye.

Con te partirò (Time to Say Goodbye)
Andrea Bocelli Ft. Sarah Brightman
Romanza

Sarah:
Quando sono sola
sogno all'orizzonte
e mancan le parole,
si lo so che non c'è luce
in una stanza quando manca il sole,
se non ci sei tu con me, con me.
Su le finestre
mostra a tutti il mio cuore
che hai accesso,
chiudi dentro me
la luce che
hai incontrato per strada.

Time to say goodbye. -- Con te partirò.
Paesi che non ho mai
veduto e vissuto con te,
adesso sì li vivrò.
Con te partirò
su navi per mari
che, io lo so,
no, no, non esistono più,
it's time to say goodbye. -- con te io li vivrò.

Andrea:
Quando sei lontana
sogno all'orizzonte
e mancan le parole,
e io si lo so
che sei con me, con me,
tu mia luna tu sei qui con me,
mio sole tu sei qui con me,
con me, con me, con me.

Time to say goodbye. -- Con te partirò.
Paesi che non ho mai
veduto e vissuto con te,
adesso sì li vivrò.
Con te partirò
su navi per mari
che, io lo so,
no, no, non esistono più,

Both:
con te io li rivivrò.
Con te partirò
su navi per mari
che, io lo so,
no, no, non esistono più,
con te io li rivivrò.
Con te partirò

Io con te.

~Zhongy~

Breaking Through The Distance...

2008-09-15T03:10:00.002+01:00

Broken
Secondhand Serenade
Awake

In the moonlight
Your face it glows
Like a thousand diamonds
I suppose
And your hair flows like
The ocean breeze
Not a million fights
Could make me hate you
You're invincible
Yeah, It's true
It's in your eyes
Where I find peace

Is it broken?
Can we work it out?
Let's light up the town, scream out loud!
Is it broken?
Can we work it out?
I can see in your eyes
You're ready to break
Don't look away.

So here we are now
In a place where
The sun blended
With the ocean thin.
So thin, we stand
Across from each other
Together we'll wonder
If we will last these days
If I asked you to stay
Would you tell me
You would be mine?

And time
Is all I ask for
Time
I just need one more day
And time
You've been crying too long
Time
And your tears wrote this song
Stay

In the moonlight
Your face it glows

Is it broken?
Can we work it out?
Let's light up the town, scream out loud!
Is it broken?
Can we work it out?
I can see in your eyes
You're ready to break
Don't look away.

~Zhongy~

Take What's Yours and Leave

2008-09-14T15:34:00.001+01:00

The mood seems so right to blog now, but the words just aren't flowing... Sometimes, things are better left unsaid... Will be having an update soon I guess...~Zhongy~

A Discourse In Patriotism, Malaysian Politics and Whatnots, You Decide...

2008-09-04T05:28:00.004+01:00

Sometimes I lament how fast time passes. One year has breezed past my eyes and my motherland is a year older now. It seems only a few days (ok maybe not, probably about a few weeks) ago that I wrote my piece in conjunction with Malaysia's 50th National Day, and now I'm back again with (hopefully not another) politically charged piece. I've refrained from being political on this blog, one as to not irk the views of my readers, and two as to avoid being charged with sedition or whatever law they can think of to limit my freedom on the Internet. But hey ho, doing it only once a year isn't too bad I hope...

Yes, we all know about the political tsunami of 10th March, Malaysia's 13th General Election. I can't recall whether I have blogged about that but oh well, as it stands, Malaysia might be at the cusp of a new dawn (what a cliche, I know...) 'The people have spoken!' says the opposition, and for the first time in our 51 years of history, we might see another ruling party in power in the near future. What I want to concentrate on in this post is that being anti-government is NOT being unpatriotic.

Yes.

You read that right.

I find it incredulous that some people can still be duped into believing that being anti-government is an unpatriotic act. This misguided belief (I hope the word 'misguided' is mild enough) goes against the very foundations of democracy. Democracy demands that the people have a choice in choosing who they want to be in power, and it certainly means that they have the freedom to choose between a party's manifesto and the next. In a democratic country a government is not permanent anyway. It is the mandate of the people given to the ruling party in the General Election which is subject to review every five years or so. That means that we have the liberty to support whichever candidate or party that we see fit. Just because a person does not vote for a government candidate, he/she cannot be deemed as anti-establishment. This goes for government servants, workers under the government payroll etc. as well. Sure, the government pays your salary, but not the ruling party. It does not matter if you support the opposition, they will still pay your salary because you are contracted by the government, not the ruling party. Sure, our nation has not seen a change in government since independence, but the people should have the maturity to separate politics from governing policies. It is not unpatriotic to be anti-government and being anti-government shouldn't be taken as anti-establishment or pengkhianat. Our rights are enshrined in the Federal Constitution, and we are given the liberty, the duty to choose what is best for our country.

In actual fact, democracy works best when there are more credible options to choose from to form the government. It is a system of check and balance -- the Opposition keeping the Government in line, in a way giving constructive input for the betterment of the nation. Of course, this is very much idealistic thinking. In parliament we have seen our MPs tossing insults at each other, leading mass walkouts, and in the case of Taiwan, brawling, throwing chairs and basically doing everything that do not justify their paycheck or the people's confidence in them. As the representative of their constituency, MPs are suppose to be protecting the interests of their people and giving constructive input into the country's governing policies, not throwing hissy fits or hurling insults at each other. They have an obligation to fulfil, but sadly much politics have crept into our parliamentary system. MPs toe the line of party rules, which explicitly demand that they support any motion tabled by their party. If not, the party chief whip takes action against their 'indiscipline'. Blatant dictatorship I say. Elected MPs are servants of the people, and should know to who they answer to. Sure they might have won on a party ticket, but when it come to deciding on government policies, they should always have the people's interests at heart first. It is not about who tables the motion, but whether the motion will benefit the people. Political parties should not tie the hands of their elected MPs for deciding what is better for the people that they represent.

In all the developed countries you see what is known as a 'two-party' system, the basis of their check and balance. Nobody would call you unpatriotic because of your political views, because you have freedom of choice. It is almost an anomaly in the history of democracy that a party can maintain power in government for 50 years. A probable cause of this is that maybe most Malaysians think that our country lacked a credible Opposition to provide another viable option to form the government, until now that is. Or maybe we Malaysians just prefer stability and peace (or mere delusions of both). Whatever the reason, there is no more excuse to shirk our responsibilities as voters and people of this proud nation anymore. The general election has proved that society is ready for change, and it is time to choose with a conscience, and with common sense, for better, or for worst. We all want what is best for our beloved country, and a better democratic system is clearly a step in the right direction.~Zhongy~

P/S I think I went totally off topic with this one... Pardon me on that =)

Falling...

2008-08-23T03:47:00.002+01:00

Fall For You
Secondhand Serenade
A Twist In My Story

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed
But I have loved you from the start
Ohhhh

But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
It's impossible

So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in
I'm yours to keep
And hold onto your words
'Cause talk is cheap
And remember me tonight
When you're asleep

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find

Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

Going to Seremban in a while for Kev's birthday party so I won't be around for the weekend. BBQ yesterday was a blast! Big thank you to all my standard six classmates who made it a memorable evening and Chia Jie for the cake ;P Chocolate Indulgence, mmmmmm.... haha. Anyhow I'm leaving sooooooooonnnnnnnnnn...... Meet up, people, MEET UP!!!!~Zhongy~

Wither

2008-08-18T14:24:00.013+01:00

~Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have.~

and so I quote from author Doris Mortman. I think at this point it's pointless (forgive the pun) to ponder on what could have been. Let the past stay in the past, and look towards the future, that's what important now I guess.

Still, making peace with myself haven't really been easy. If you think about it, I've probably missed out on a lot of stuff which could really had made a difference in my life. It's hard to imagine that in just two years, I would have missed out on so many windows of opportunities which might have changed who I am and how I turn out later. Starting with my SPM results, the various scholarships after that, Cambridge, the ten US universities, more scholarship applications and my seemingly hit and miss math results. Sure by getting into Warwick University with 4 As you can say that I was luckier than most, but looking down the list I wonder if instead of tasting excellence I have actually only scaled the pinnacle of mediocrity. There are certainly more misses than hits on the list and I'll be lying if I said I didn't care, because all these would have (directly or indirectly) involved the people around me. One can only say 'Ah, that's life sometimes' only once too many before doubts and feelings of dread sets in. Am I stuck here? At this level? If yes, then why the hell should I be pushing harder if I'm already at my limits? Did I make the correct choice?

All this questions will remain unresolved until the end. I wouldn't believe anybody who gave me answers anyway. Therein lies the catch -- Too proud to believe in the undesirable outcomes, and the sheer naivety to think that things will always turn out for the best. I've never been a believer in destiny, but sometimes 'insya allah' or 'God has His plan for everybody' seems like very tempting excuses for my shortcomings.

I think if I go on with this emo tone people will start thinking that I'm some ungrateful bastard. 4As man, 4As... Still the breakdown wasn't fantastic; in fact, far from it. C in FP3 was far from what I could have done, and you would have thought I would've learnt my lesson after the S2 farce. AND considering the fact that I'm doing a math degree in uni, and there you have it. Mr. Finch was visibly disappointed, to say the least, so was Mr. Dickman, and I am too. No, getting an overall A for Further Math is no consolation, as Pure Math was by far my favourite math class. I could stomach the B for S3, but not FP3. Sure, blame the 'emotional turmoil', but I should have had my mind conditioned on exam sharpness during that time. Kevin and Alvin kicked my ass in Further Math of course, with amazing scores in all of their modules, and a very big 'congratulations' to them. It's alright Kev, you won, and I'm not bitter or anything =) In a race like this it's the person who perseveres to the end who deserves to win, not somebody who breaks down near the finish line. But on the bright side, I did incredibly well for my Eng. Lit., which comes as a welcomed surprise. It's the subject that I put the most effort into, and I'm very pleased that it paid off better than I expected. Hopefully when the Physics breakdown comes it'll be fine too.

I'll be leaving on September the 19th on a 10:15 a.m. MAS direct flight to Heathrow, London, and I have a feeling I'm going to miss a lot of things and people in Malaysia. Still, this is an opportunity that I have been waiting for some time now and we'll see just where it leads me in the end. For this one month, it'll be one for goodbyes and farewells and 'may we meet again's, and I have a feeling we shall...~Zhongy~

Edit: Included the link for a reply post from Kevin:
http://www.kevindickman.blogspot.com/2008/08/quotes.html. So thankful for the replies and feedback I got for this post. Thank you everybody =)

אהבה

2008-08-11T16:18:00.005+01:00

Some things in this life you just can't have,
No matter how much you work for it, wish for it,
Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.
You accept it, you know you can't change it,
But that doesn't stop you from being sad about it...

Different people have different priorities,
But in the end, what we all want is the same.
It's just that some are cherished more than others,
and in the end you sacrifice the rest for those which are most important.

Take what you have now with both hands, cherish it,
Because tomorrow it might not be there anymore,
And it might never come back again after that...

Be brave, be vigilant,
Trust...

...And believe...

~Zhongy~

There and Back Again, A Journey to be Remembered...

2008-08-05T13:37:00.004+01:00

Reflection
Christina Aguilera
Disney's Mulan Soundtrack

Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you’ll never know me
Every day, is as if I play apart
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I can not fool
My heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
I am now
In a world where I have to
Hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What’s inside my heart
And be loved for who I am
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don’t know?
Must I pretend that i’m
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
There’s a heart that must
Be free to fly
That burns with a need
To know the reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel
Must there be a secret me
I’m forced to hide?
I won’t pretend that i’m
Someone else
For all time
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?

Having pretty much excess of time on my hands, I felt that it was an apt opportunity for some reflection. It's got something to do with me being emo these days so, well it's good to reflect upon yourself once in a while. That's why I decided to start off this post with this beautiful song from Mulan. I'm not a big fan of Christina Aguilera but this song always seem to strike a chord with me when I'm feeling particularly lost...

Those people who have known me a long time might have remember that I used to have my MSN nick as 'The Schizophrenic Prodigy'. That must have been like when I was Form 3, or Form 4? Anyway thinking back to those times, I guess I was still trying to find my own self, my identity, hence the 'schizophrenic' moniker. At that time I was always so full of emotions which wasn't reigned in by common sense. It was like a maelstrom of different sensations, and it was so difficult to focus on a single, solid form as my own. I was showing different moods, different faces and different reactions to all the different things in life, slowly coming out of my shell and just trying to identify with myself. I can recall writing essays which just flowed with rhetoric (READ: NO SUBSTANCE) and angst. Looking back at those times I realise that I was probably very immature, allowing myself to be carried away by emotions when writing simple factual or discussion essays. It was flashy, shallow and redundant; like an extremist preacher harping on nonsense. Sure there were some simple examples, which by the standards at that time must have seemed deep, and because of my broad vocabulary must have made me seem mature at that time. But looking back, I guess I wasn't focused enough; a writer without direction or subtlety, lacking class or reason. But now having moved to the pre-uni stage of my life, I realise that I have been able to focus on who I wish to be more concretely, slowly rooting out and assimilating all my different sides into a much more concentrated, intense me. It wasn't really a re-invention of myself but rather more of a clarification of who I really am. A good metaphor to use here would be the focusing of a spectrum into white light through a prism, only that it's not that perfect yet, hence my present nick, 'Quiescent Sojourner'. Things have pretty much crystallised now, and I'm very much less unpredictable than before. I still have mood swings sometimes, alternating between my normal, cheerful self and my emo side, which is not that bad; like Jekyll and Hyde with a twist, if you know what I mean =) I'm also able to reign in most of my emotions now, which makes for subtler writing and less rhetoric. Most of the credit must go to my GP and English Literature classes, which I feel have really improved my writing style. I think a more restrained tone represents a certain degree of maturity, and hopefully that would hold me in good stead. It's not that I can't do rhetoric anymore, just that it seems so undignified now.

Despite this paradigm shift, I think there are a few traits that people will always recognise in me no matter how much I change. My seemingly unflappable confidence, which is sometimes perceived as downright cockiness, for one, has I think, become a 'trademark' of mine. Blame it on playing too much competitive tennis, but I have always believed that to perform at one's highest capabilities, one have to have supreme confidence in one's own abilities, especially when the stakes are high and the pressure mounting. You have to believe first, before you're able to do it. Couple that with a never-say-die stubborn attitude and the 'just-try-your-best-and-things-will-turn-out-fine-and-if-not-the-result-doesn't-matter' mentality, and basically you've got my work ethic. In retrospect it's pretty much a sporting approach to my work but hey, you don't change a pretty much winning formula if it works for you right? The downside is that sometimes I come across as being a complete stuck-up, over-confident and irresponsible brat =) I've grown used to that perception which I admit, has some figment of truth in it, but I actually find it quite amusing (and sometimes I DO exploit this perception :P) that people find me so shallow. Really, it's like calling every blonde a bimbo, and sometimes it happens to comical effect =D

Most people should already notice this, but I'll just mention it. I'm deeply sentimental and somewhat vague and secretive. I always take people and relationships very seriously, and I'm quite picky with who I choose to trust with what stuff; something like an Internet firewall with multiple filters and multiple access levels. Deeds and favours are not easily forgotten, and I will always try my best to make up for it. Questions are often met with answers like 'ok', 'yea', 'fine' which if you think about it, don't really mean anything. I get complains all the time about being too vague or general with answers but I assure you, it's more of a habit than trying to gloss over the details. Sometimes I'm just too lazy or can't be bothered to elaborate upon details, which I think have cost me a bit in interviews :( I sometimes feel that some things are better expressed when I'm writing though, so that's why I keep this blog. Still, there are things which are best kept to myself, and those are better guarded than the crown jewels. Am a great fan of double meanings, innuendos and cultural references, which litter around all of my writings and sometimes when I talk. Unfortunately this does not stop me from feeling the effects of these secrets though, and I can be a tad too sentimental about my memories and emotions. It's not too difficult to surmise as my playlist is packed with 'jiwang' ballads and that my posts here are pretty emotional, yet betraying no facts. Just like Pam said, I can be 'damn freaking emo' but that's just because I take my emotions more seriously than most other people.

Surprisingly, my thinking is very much influenced by Oriental culture, particularly Chinese and Japanese. Most of the principles I subscribe to, and philosophies which I believe in can find its roots from Chinese and Japanese traditional thinking. That's not to say that I am conservative though; I'm actually quite liberal. However I always think that it is important to preserve a certain culture within an environment because it would give birth to ethics and moral principles. A world without tradition or values would end up being methodical and boring, eventually losing its spiritual meaning of existence. The Romantics' idea of a well-rounded human being can easily be extended to become a well-rounded society, which is what I constantly work towards, and I always try to find a deeper, spiritual meaning in what I do. Despite this I am not religious, though I am fundamentally a Buddhist. I have always found organised religion to be too dogmatic and a little too quick to pass judgement on others. To quote Voltaire, 'God is a circle whose centre is everywhere and circumference nowhere'. Therefore I find it easier to let whoever is up there lead the way. I believe in the existence of a Supreme Being, just that I don't think he would take the trouble to interfere in all our lives, much less decide what we do with it.

So where do I go from here? A sojourner will always find a place to stay in the end, so I hope that I would be able to do the same when the time comes for me to settle down a little more. I'm already classified as a 'stable' substance in my U6 Periodic Mizdemeanour Table, so I guess it won't be too long before I find who I am. Until then, the journey must go on, and all roads will finally converge in the end...~Zhongy~

Mixed Signals...

2008-08-02T15:10:00.003+01:00

After everything, can we really be friends again? It's been so many years, and yet some things don't heal completely with time... Memories fade, but what changed will probably stay the same... I guess we should just try our best and see what happens... Haih... So confused... How are we suppose to make up for so much lost time?~Zhongy~

Leave Out All The Rest
Linkin Park
Minutes To Midnight

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I made

I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well

Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well

Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are

Back On The Grid!!!

2008-08-01T15:24:00.002+01:00

Finally got my laptop sorted out and I'm officially back online =) It feels good to be connected to the grid again and I'm back in the stride =)

Unfortunately, I couldn't salvage quite a bit of data, some which bore immense sentimental value, especially private photos, chat logs and important documents and files. The damage isn't lasting, but it would have been nice to have hanged on to some of these stuff. So I'm going to ask for some help here. If you think I might want to keep a particular photo or file that we share, please send it to my Gmail or through MSN. I lost all my earlier photos so it's very likely you would have something I want ;) Yes I know most of these photos are on Facebook but I know of some which don't get posted on, so please please please do send it on to me. I've given up on trying to recover chat logs but photos should be easier to recover. Oh and Pam can you please bring along your external during Results Day (whenever that is) so that I can get a copy of the Yearbook files for my own records (yes I lost those too. This is assuming you haven't deleted it of course :) I'll bring along my laptop to transfer it straight away. Thanx a lot. It's very much appreciated =)

Nothing much has been happening in the past few days. I went for the Warwick Pre-Departure Reception at PJ Hilton on Tuesday night and it was not bad. They actually got people from the Malaysian Society to come and talk and brief us prospective students so that was very helpful. Noticed that there were actually more girls than guys doing MORSE (Mathematics, Operational Research, Statistics and Economics) which was very very surprising. Not being sexist or anything, but I always thought that math was better left to guys. Guess I was wrong :P Other than that KL was pretty much normal despite the tumultuous political situation that we live in nowadays (or is it because I didn't actually go to KL? Was at the Sunway, Subang Jaya side). Am glad I met Keegan though. We haven't met in ages and it was good fun catching up and chatting over stuff. After two years he's still the same cool guy who plays golf haha.

Results are coming out in two weeks and I'm starting to feel really excited. Need my 4 As!!! Haha but seriously, if I don't get into Warwick, I doubt I'll ever go to UK despite having Imperial as my insurance... It's just too expensive and I dislike staying in megacities like London or even KL. Warwick is kinda ideal for me actually and I doubt that I would actually get bored even without all the 'happening' hotspots around ;) I think, after all that has happened this year until now, 4A's isn't too much to ask for. I'm not actually quietly confident, just optimistically hopeful, and insya Allah, I'll make it to Warwick (insya Allah just seems like such a nice phrase now :) July passed by in a flash and I've not really done much, more like taking my time relaxing around. Have to start preparing the stuff I want to bring, fill in the dreaded visa application form (it's freaking 16 pages!!!) and get some medical tests done so that I don't rush near the end. I think after my results come out it'll be a whirlwind of buying stuff and double (and triple) checking checklists to make sure that I have everything before I go. Oh and let's not forget meeting up with people for one more time before I fly. For those who don't know, I'm flying on the 23rd of September tentatively but this is subject to change to the 19th depending on some... special arrangements...

Spending most of my time in my dad's office now helping the clerks haul paperwork. Hate the monotony of it all but oh well, don't have much of a say in it... The only advantage is that I get to join my dad for meals outside sometimes with his friends and clients (which sometimes makes for interesting conversations) and I get to exploit the streamyx connection for torrenting stuff since nobody ever use it. So I just hog the entire connection to get speeds of 60+ kb/s on the wireless hehe ^-^. Going to try to amass a huge amount of multimedia files before I go to UK as it seems I can't torrent in Warwick :( which sucks but yea, piracy issues. I got a notice warning me against it already so I'll TRY not to flaunt that rule ;P!!!

Two weeks more, and I'm looking forward to seeing all my KTJ friends again. Keep your fingers crossed that everybody ends up happy with their results =) For now, here's another song.

Save You
Simple Plan
Simple Plan

Take a breath, I pull myself together.
Just another step until I reach the door.
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you..
I wish that I could tell you something to take it all away.

Sometimes I wish I could save you,
And there's so many things that I want you to know.
I won't give up 'til it's over.
If it takes you forever, I want you to know..

When I hear your voice,
It's drowning in the whispers.
It's just skin and bones,
There's nothing left to take.
And no matter what I do,
I can't make you feel better.
If only I could find the answer to help me understand..

Sometimes I wish I could save you,
And there's so many things that I want you to know.
I won't give up 'til it's over.
If it takes you forever, I want you to know that..

If you fall, stumble down, I'll pick you up off the ground.
If you lose faith in you, I'll give you strength to pull through.
Tell me you won't give up,
'Cause I'll be waiting if you fall.
You know I'll be there for you.

If only I could find the answer to take it all away..

Sometimes I wish I could save you,
And there's so many things that I want you to know.
I won't give up 'til it's over.
If it takes you forever, I want you to know..

I wish I could save you..
I want you to know..
I wish I could save you..

ANNOYED...

2008-07-28T01:55:00.004+01:00

Just when I thought nothing spectacular was going to happen this holidays and I won't have anything to blog about, this comes along... Grrr...

My laptop died on me. Well it didn't actually, more like it was my fault, but I'm putting all the blame on it. You see, what happened was Vista was doing it's 'Installing Updates during Shut Down' thing and on the screen is the damn message 'Installing Updates. Please do not Turn Off the Power or Remove the Battery' and I so conveniently unplug the laptop to bring upstairs, forgetting that I've disconnected the battery to conserve its lifespan.

Look at where it got me.

My laptop won't boot. Probably in the middle of the updating process Vista erased some boot files. I CAN'T GET INTO THE 'PLEASE ENTER YOUR PASSWORD' SCREEN!!!! Which is very annoying.... Instead it's now trapped in a disastrous loop of restarting itself in an attempt to boot. ISHHHH.... And to add insult to injury, I don't have my Dell Windows CD with me. Lent it to Ka Liang in school and he was suppose to pass it back to me when I went back to KTJ for results... Arrrgggghhhh so annnnooooyyyyeeeddddd..... Seriously this is probably as annoyed as I can get. I've never been so annoyed in my life. Grrr.... Going to try to get Dell to send me a replacement copy of the CD and hopefully that works out. If not, no laptop until August the 14th, which will be hell considering I need to make use of my laggy home desktop to keep myself occupied, which I get annoyed at every time it lags on me (As you can see I get very annoyed easily these days). Probably I'd just go read a book or something instead of waiting on the desktop to work. Ishhh....

This also means no games, no movies and no music until I can get my laptop up and running again, which is DOUBLY annoying... Luckily I'm off to KL tomorrow and Wednesday for the Warwick Pre-Departure Reception at PJ Hilton (anybody else going or wants to meet up?) so that should keep me pre-occupied. Hopefully Dell would agree to send me the disc AND courier it to me by then. Am also working in my dad's office now for the time being but I hate the idea of not having my laptop waiting for me back home. Gahhhhh...... Haven't realise how attached I got to it until now, especially when I'm bored at home... Not going to send it to any computer shops or Dell as I don't trust anybody with the data on my hard disks nowadays... Am just going to have to sort this out myself... VERY VERY ANNOYEDDD....~Zhongy~

P/S This should mean that I won't be online for a while, until Thursday at least. Anybody who wants to contact me should just text me on my phone (at least THAT'S working!!!) instead of leaving me offline messages or something... GRRR....

Oh, and on a side note, you must have been really jobless to read through this mindless rant by me. Don't worry I don't do it often :P Normal service will resume once I get my laptop back on the flow. Am having weird ideas about naming it. Any takers? =)

You Either Die A Hero, Or You Live Long Enough To See Yourself Turn Into A Villain

2008-07-20T14:06:00.003+01:00

And everybody on this planet should make time to watch this movie in theatres before it comes down. Yes Christopher Nolan would earn a ton of money, but I wouldn't begrudge him the cash if he continues producing movies like 'The Dark Knight'. It easily outclassed 'Iron Man' (and God knows how much I loved that movie) and ranks alongside 'V For Vendetta' and 'Remember the Titans' as my favourite movies of all time. This is not your average comic book adaptation or a hero-triumphs-at-the-end-of-the-day story for kids (in fact, I would advise against bringing kids for this movie, despite the U rating), but a no holds barred, as grim as it gets study of anarchy and societal values. What makes a hero? Is it a pin-up face on television, or a watchful protector in the shadows? 'The Dark Knight' answers these questions, and more.

It's fairly safe to say that the late Heath Ledger (may he rest in peace) stole the show from Christian Bale and Aaron Eckhart. His portrayal of the Joker, much hyped upon after his untimely death, exceeded all my pre-movie expectations. He was the agent of chaos, the embodiment of anarchy and the direct opposite of Batman. Ledger's performance was mesmerising and more than once, sent chills down my spine as he hunched around, licked his lips and scaring the living daylights out of everybody. The rest of the stellar cast which includes Michael Caine, Gary Oldman and Morgan Freeman also gave solid performances, but the show belongs to Ledger. Every time he came on screen, he took centre stage. A minor gripe with the casting is Maggie Gyllenhaal as Rachel Dawes, which I found quite weird. Despite her acting prowess she clearly did not fit the role of playboy Bruce Wayne's love interest and frequently looked out of place amongst the more 'shapely' and youthful looking bit-part female characters. Katie Holmes didn't do as well as Gyllenhaal in this role but at least looked more the part.

Of course, 'The Dark Knight' wouldn't be a summer blockbuster without it's action sequences, and in this department it doesn't disappoint either. Expect to see lots of fireworks, blazing guns and a brilliantly done car chase sequence in the middle of the movie. Batman though, was surprisingly given little time (and proper lighting) to strut his martial arts, relying instead on his wits and technology to dispose foes. Maybe because the movie lacked a villain who could go toe-to-toe with the caped crusader, who otherwise looked pretty at ease against mobs of bit-time crooks. The heart of the movie though, was how director Nolan built up the tension within the movie while Batman struggled with his identity and his role in Gotham City as the Joker trampled on everything he stood for. It all builds up to an impressive climax and nicely wrap things up for the movie while setting the scene for the next edition in the Batman film series.

A day before the premier of 'The Dark Knight' I re-watched 'Batman Begins' and I have to say, the sequel blew away all of my expectations. Heath Ledger deserves an Oscar nomination for his portrayal of the Joker and this movie is as good as it gets for the swansong to his bright but sadly, short lived career. Christopher Nolan also deserves praise for bringing the Batman back to its grittier and edgier roots, and his courage for tackling matured issues in a comic book adaptation. In doing so he shifted the target audience to an older group set, but came out tops in the end. 'The Dark Knight' is everything you would expect it to be, and more. If you haven't seen it, go book your tickets now. This is definitely one movie you don't want to miss.~Zhongy~

Random thoughts:
- There shouldn't be another Joker in the series. Heath Ledger owns this role now. Nobody else would be able to do justice to the character after his performance.
- I'm glad Robin hasn't made an appearance yet in the series, as I'm not sure that he would fit into Nolan's darker and edgier tone. Batman has all the sidekicks he need now in Lucius Fox and Alfred, and they both do the job fine.
- I've always thought Batman deserved a more exotic love interest than an old flame from back home like Rachel Dawes. Maybe they'll introduce one in the next movie?
- Crashing the Lambo' was SUCH a waste!!
- The Batpod kicks ass, but Batman should have a slicker set of wheels than the tumbler as the Batmobile. Next movie perhaps?
- The detective side of Batman is still under-developed in the series. In here he uses his technology to collect evidence but doesn't really display his deductive skills. Maybe a more 'thinking' villain would bring this side out?

Crying Again Tonight??

2008-07-15T06:13:00.003+01:00

Tonight I Wanna Cry
Keith Urban
Be Here

Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
Theres pictures of you and I on the walls around me the way that it was and should have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away

Well I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.

Would it help if i turned a sad song on
"All by Myself" would sure hit me hard, now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

Cause I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.

Well I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with this pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.

Credit to Joanne for putting up this touching song on her blog first and getting me hooked on Keith Urban again =) Another song worth checking out is 'Making Memories Of Us'.~Zhongy~

Welcome Onboard The FedExpress!

2008-07-13T12:50:00.003+01:00

This piece is written partly by request by some of the readers here and partly in tribute to probably the greatest tennis player in history.

Let's face it. A guy who can wear a milk-white blazer and a cardigan on to Wimbledon Centre Court deserves some respect. If you want to have the look, you've got to have the game to back it up; and boy, do Roger Federer have the game. His on-court versatility is one of the factors which make him so dominant on all surfaces (he's not that bad on clay, just that there's a certain Rafael Nadal around). Federer doesn't have a Plan A or Plan B or Plan C, he adapts on court, improvises and tweaks his game to beat his opponent, which most of the time, leaves his opponent scrambling around the court. Part of the excitement of watching Federer do what he does is watching him improvise until he totally dominates rallies and exchanges. However the greatest joy I find watching him is when he weaves his way out of a rut. His phenomenal groundstrokes and precision with angles, along with some deft volleys and drop-shots makes him dangerous, even on the defensive. His ball-control is second-to-none, and the scary thing is that Federer seems to get better when he's on the move rather than stationary. Most importantly, Federer is an entertainer. He's not a prankster like Djokovic (remember his Sharapova imitation?) but instead has an eye for the spectacular on court. Be it an outrageous chip lob, running down-the-line passing shot or a deft volley on the fly, Federer has done it all.

Another trademark of Federer's would be his icy cool demeanour on court. He is a throwback to Bjorn Borg, the model professional whose face rarely betrays emotion and whenever you see him, is always poised for perfection. Whenever I see him play I always picture him as an ancient aristocrat, with his debonair class and graceful airs. A real psychological advantage for Federer is that he makes everything he does look so effortless on court. It is as if everything he does, incredible or not, is exactly as expected of himself. His seemingly unflappable self-confidence gives him a huge edge over his opponents as they attempt to decipher his poker face. 'Imperious' is an appropriate and most often word used to describe Federer, for on court he is king, and he has the game, looks and aura to back it up.

This year's been uninspiring for Federer so far, considering his lofty standards. He hasn't won a grand slam title until now, suffered his biggest title draught since 2002 and worst of all, lost to Nadal on grass. My own take is that the glandular fever at the start of the year pretty much left his pre-calendar training in tatters, and that greatly affected his performances and fitness this year. Some have said (somewhat prematurely) that this is the beginning of the end of Federer's dominance on court, slowly being dethroned by Nadal, though I beg to differ. At 26, he's still pretty much at his peak (tennis pros peak at around 24-27) and he's proven to us at Wimbledon, despite losing, that he still has what it takes to win. Nadal is on the rise no doubt, being only at 22, but Federer has a vastly wider arsenal to call upon and is more consistent with his form. He also chooses his tournaments carefully so as to not run out of steam, but just enough to maintain his World No. 1 ranking which he has held since February 2004 (this is a record 232 consecutive weeks!). Nadal may yet be the favourite at the Olympics and US Open this year after dethroning Federer at Wimbledon, but don't expect the Swiss maestro to take it lying down. Underneath his poker face lies a tremendous fighting spirit and will to win and dominate like he did for the last couple of years. If he keeps up the hunger and passion, one wouldn't bet against him on beating Sampras' record of 14 grand slam titles. I personally would like him to win all four in the same calendar year (making him the first men's player to do so) that would guarantee his place as the greatest player ever. However considering the uprising of Nadal and Djokovic (and let's not forget Tipsarevic, Tsonga, Gasquet, Monfils, Murray and the rest), next year will probably be his last chance at having a realistic shot at that feat.

As a player, Federer has certainly reached the pinnacle of tennis. His dominance on the tour from 2004-2007 will probably be remembered as his best years as he seeks to cement his place as the best ever. Whether he will ever surpass Bjorn Borg is yet to be seen, but the legend himself has already conceded that "He has achieved so many great things in tennis and if he stays clear of injuries, stays motivated and continues at the same pace as he is doing, he will definitely be the greatest player of all time." And that, coming from Borg, is high praise indeed.~Zhongy~

That's What You Call An Epic!!

2008-07-08T13:53:00.005+01:00

And it just doesn't get any better than that. Seriously.

The 2008 Wimbledon Men's Final will go down in history as arguably the best (and already certified longest) final and tennis match played in history. It was nerve-wrecking, mind-boggling, and sometimes even felt surreal as there was some unbelievable tennis played on the court. It kept me up from 11 p.m. until 4.30 in the morning, but if you watched it, you wouldn't go to sleep for the world. The match-up could hardly be more of a contrast -- In one corner was the Swiss maestro, Roger Federer with all his silky skills, grace and class; On the other side of the net was the Spanish matador, Rafael Nadal and his brute force, run-down-all-the-balls, uncompromising approach. Coming into the match Federer was five times CONSECUTIVE defending Wimbledon Champion, but Nadal had just thrashed him 6-1, 6-3, 6-0 last month at Roland Garros. Last year at Wimbledon Nadal stretched Federer to five sets before losing, and this year promised to be a much more explosive affair.

Interestingly, the match turned out to be pretty much what I expected. Nadal was dominating at the baseline with his heavy groundstrokes, working Federer around the court and forcing him further back. Federer served magnificently with 25 aces and attacked the net with good approach shots and daft volleys. It was always going to be a question of whether Federer could get to the net first before Nadal pinned him down behind the baseline. Yet despite that, there was still plenty going for the match. Both were looking to give their best and you could see the determination in their eyes, though the match was pretty devoid of Nadal's trademark fist-pumping and 'Vamos!' battle cry (Federer was cool and composed through out the match as usual). At the end, brute force triumphed over smooth skills, but it was a match full of twist and turns for the crowd to savour. 6-4, 6-4, 6-7, 6-7, 9-7 was the final score, and Nadal was champion, but the real winners were tennis and the audience.

People have told me that Federer played terribly in the match and wasn't at his best, but after reviewing the match in my head I still think that he actually played a great match. Maybe his forehand approach shot and single-handed backhand wasn't as consistent or as sharp as it could have been, but that is probably more down to the blustering wind and Nadal's heavy top-spin than Federer's own fault. Under Nadal's barrage he couldn't really impose his game upon the exchange of points, and Nadal's amazing placement of shot on that day was really working him around the court. Yet Federer was equal to the task, also pushing Nadal around and taking whatever chances (and half chances) he had to finish off the point quickly at the net. One gripe about Federer I think was that he seemed to have lost that incomparable shot making of his which last time used to evoke gasps and acclaim from the audience. Yea there were a few nicely worked shots through out the match, but you get the feeling that he sacrificed the spectacular for a more efficient approach. It was still brilliant tennis mind you, but lacked the wizardry that has been a staple of his arsenal through out his career.

And then there is the model of efficiency, Nadal. Frankly I have never liked Nadal that much. To me, he always lacked the finesse and touche to entice me. He is the beast, the clockwork machine who overcomes his opponents with pure strength, speed and fitness. His game plan is unvaried, monotonous and boring, yet his sheer physical presence on the court is enough to frighten opponents away. And on that day he went toe-to-toe, even over-powering Federer. It was obvious that Nadal was at his physical pinnacle, chasing down everything that Federer was throwing at him, making him hit just that extra shot to win a point, while at the same time hitting all the lines and making some spectacular passing shots and cross-court ground strokes to throw Federer off his rhythm. It was just simply his day. The serve into Federer's body was working extremely well and Nadal just needed to pick off the returns with ease. At the end his immense physical advantage showed, as Federer slowly lost momentum and steam in the closing moments of the match.

At the end of the day, it really could have gone any other way. Federer's come back from two sets down contributed much to the epic scale, but he really could just easily have been two sets up if he had converted more break points. Nadal won, but only by a whisker, and yet both served up a tennis fest to remember for ages to come. I still haven't lost hope on Federer though. If he can keep his game at this level, he can crush anybody easily 99% of the time unless somebody starts to play incredible tennis like Nadal did. There's still the Olympics and US Open to come, and I'm not willing to back the Spanish matador over the Swiss maestro yet...~Zhongy~

Au Revoir KTJ, Now For A Break...

2008-07-05T15:16:00.005+01:00

It is exactly one week since my days at KTJ have drawn to a close. Much have been left unsaid for this one week, but I felt that I needed a break to get through the emotional exhaustion, especially after Speech Day.

So how do I feel? Relieved, mixed with a tinge of sadness (well maybe more than a tinge...) and a feeling of hope and fond remembrance for this place I have come to make my home for one and a half years. It's true that in this period of time I have spent more time in KTJ than at any other place, studying, living and having fun at the same time. At the end, I have been in school for 1 1/2 months straight because of exams and the stress just took its toll on me (I've been told, and noticed that I looked horrible over the last two weeks). This would have contributed much to the feelings of relieve but I know I'm going to miss this place after this.

It would be apt of course, to describe the last day of school. It was also Speech Day and the VIP (the MB of Negeri Sembilan) didn't turn up, which was quite annoying... He was represented by his wife, and there was this whole prize-giving ceremony and stuff. Tunku Naquiyuddin, the Chairman of the Board of Directors was not present as well, but Tunku Dara was (to represent the royalty). Mr. Jones made his customary speech and the replacement VIP gave out the prizes. As most of you already know (and as Pam a.k.a. randomperson announced on CBox) I received the Tunku Naquiyuddin All-Rounder Award this year along with Nurul (congratulations to lil' nunu!). It was quite a surprise as I suppose Ash was the hot favourite to win it but he got the Principal's Prize instead together with Pam (again, congratulations to both of them!). I knew I was nominated together with Ash but after he won the House All-Rounder, you kinda expect him to win the school's award too. I'm quite happy to have won but if it had went to Ash, I would have been equally glad as he has really given a lot to the school and is also an all-rounder, in addition to being a very good friend. Maybe they should consider giving joint-awards? Anyhow, I'm thankful that my efforts are recognised and there was also some feeling of redemption after being passed over for the all-rounder in SFI (for those of you who know the story, you know what I mean). It doesn't really matter on my CV anymore but yea, it felt nice to win, for a change...

After the ceremony the Upper Sixers grouped together to say our goodbyes (some final, some not) to each other. I must say it was quite emotional cos there were people crying and taking photos and hugging and shaking hands (mostly hugging) and stuff... Even a rock like me felt damn emo (well that's kinda common) and my eyes were warm (but I DID NOT CRY!!). Anyhow, it was a parting of ways but somehow, there wasn't any foretaste of death. Maybe we just anticipate seeing each other again in UK or thereabouts. Still, it's hard not to feel attached to this group of people whom you've shared one and a half years of your life with. I don't know how many of them I'll still keep in contact with (definitely with those I was really close with) but I'm sure we'll all remember the times spent together here at KTJ.

The last few days running up to the end was spent packing, sitting for STEP and collecting signatures for my own copy of the Yearbook. It was a nice exercise as everybody said nice things (but then, who wouldn't? on a Yearbook?) and I'll certainly take good care of this. I didn't get everybody, so forgive me if you were not offered a place on my pages, but there was just too many and too little time. Still, a very big thank you for all those who signed! Surprisingly, we didn't really talk much about leaving KTJ in the last few days. Maybe everybody were just dreading the day to come and wanted to avoid the topic... Still, come it did, and the rest, as they say, is history. The teachers (amd Pam, so thankful for her) said very glowing things about me after the Speech Day ceremony to my parents, which was again, really nice =)

Having left KTJ, I wonder sometimes how would I be remembered there? In the press interview (yes there was such a goddamn thing because of the award. I haven't seen it in print though...) I said I hoped to set an example for the juniors, but I seriously doubt many of them would remember me as I am quite seclusive by nature. Perhaps what Mr. Jones said before I left was true, that in the end, I will be best remembered for two things, the Yearbook and the Award. One would be kept in the School Archives, the other, a name on one of those honour boards. Certainly my reputation as a rigid disciplinarian would live for some time yet, but I would like to be best remembered as a student who did things MY way, and who hopefully, left his mark in his short time spent there. Still, that impression is not for me to choose and for better or for worse, it is up to the members of the school to decide how they would best like to remember me...

The last day of school was also a farewell to Mr. Finch, still the best mathematics teacher EVER, and Mr. Kenneth Kulaisingam. Mr. Finch of course, I know very well from our Pure Math classes and stuff and I wish him a very happy and peaceful retirement. I salute you for all that you have done for me and for the school sir, and may age never wither your optimistic and cheery outlook on life. You will always be fondly remembered and I'm sure we'll be visiting you someday in Seremban! Mr. Kenneth, though he never taught me, was nonetheless a good teacher to talk to in school and during Forensics. I'll never for get his interesting anecdotes and ideas on life and also wish him all the best in his retirement. Another person who will be leaving is the bursar, Mr. Lim Siew Chiang, who is incidentally also from SFI, and will be taking up a teaching post in the UK. Thank you for all the help that you gave us in the production of the Yearbook (and the hardcover!) and I wish you all the best in the UK.

I would just like to end this very emotional post by saying a very big thank you to (in no particular order) Ash, Pam, Amira, Tony, Kevin, Ms. Cheah, Mr. Suresh, Mr. Sutherland, Ms. Carol, Mr. Finch, Mr. Dickman, Pn. Noorsham, Mr. Venga, Mr. Ang, Mr. & Mrs. Hitchman, Ms. Charlie, Mr. Kwok, Gerald, Aunty Anne, all the Upper Sixers (especially those who have worked with me), staff and students of KTJ. Thank you for all the memories and do keep in touch! May God bless all of you and your loved ones... Au revoir, I hope we meet again...~Zhongy~

P/S Can people not introduce me as the guy who won the KTJ All-Rounder thingy?? It's kinda weird and unsettling... Amira I really didn't know how to react when the whole table started clapping... The whole KTJ table suddenly looked lost... Thanx.

2008-06-30T02:10:00.003+01:00

It's over now and I should really blog about it, but I'm just so emotionally drained now... Watching 'Kungfu Panda' yesterday helped though and I will get down to it soon I guess...

Dedicated to Self...

2008-06-18T03:41:00.002+01:00

For rainy days...

Fix You
Coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

A Killer Joke...

2008-06-05T06:18:00.004+01:00

A few days ago, somebody remarked to me, 'Everything to you is a joke huh?'

I wonder how that person ever arrived at that conclusion.

Sometimes when I lie in bed, I wonder what people think of me as a person. Yes it's one of those inevitable questions you ask yourself, despite me being brash and having a I-don't-care attitude about these things. But sometimes the question just pops up into my mind and I do wonder, sometimes, how people perceive me as a person? To tell you the truth, me not being serious about anything is probably one of the last things I'll describe myself as. It's now a very stressful period of time for me, especially having just finished the Yearbook and now having to concentrate on my exams, and maybe having a laugh out of something is just a way for me to alleviate some of these stress. I try not to conform to the stereotype of slouching around with eye-bags and a look of profound seriousness. Being emo now just adds to the dire mood around the school and I prefer a more light-hearted approach to my impending exams. It makes me feel more relaxed and allows me to get into sync faster. Goodness knows there's still more than enough revision to be done over this fortnight.

Still, somehow this statement comes back to haunt me. Whatever that person might mean or intend when he/she said this, it's been bugging me at the back of my mind and I just need to put my feelings down in words. Maybe I'm scared of people not taking me seriously. Maybe not. I don't know. Whatever it is, it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth every time I repeat it to myself. Maybe because I've never heard anyone say this to me before, or maybe it's just too similar to something else I've heard in the past. Still, I thought that I've moved past that... Haih... Sometimes when work becomes second nature, one tries to find ways to make it fun or at the very least, mildly enjoyable. God knows how much I need those grades or whatever I have worked for in the past, and maybe by calling it all 'a joke', I subconsciously find it dismissive of all that I have done or worked my ass off for... I don't know. I haven't given, nor will give any much more thought about this. Instead of brooding over it, I should be concentrating on something else to take my mind of it, but still.... Oh well... I won't be forgetting this any time soon I guess...

What a joke... I nearly died of laughter this time...There were actually tears streaking down my face...~Zhongy~

Skin Change II

2008-06-02T13:24:00.003+01:00

Changed my blog skin again as I felt that the last one was too dark. Kinda like this one too but the butterfly wings look weird/out of place... Would have prefered angel wings... Hmmmmm.... Anyhow please tell me if this somehow doesn't load on your screens. Also comments can now only be posted in the CBox so make good use of it. Would prefer people not to be anonymous here so that I know who's talking to me:P Anyhow, enjoy!~Zhongy~

And All's Well That Ends Well

2008-05-29T03:18:00.011+01:00

It's done finally. Yes. The Yearbook. Took a hell of an effort and a hell load of commitment from some people to get it done, but yea, it's done now! Am so in the mood to go around hugging all my committee members, but maybe I'll save that until the actual print (sample copy) comes out :) (In)patiently waiting for that which will come soonest by this Saturday (!). Extra big thanks to Pam, Nunu and Debbie who worked over time (well more like work the night shift!) from 10 to 5 to complete the cover (long story here...) Anyhow it was BRILLIANT and a BIG thanks to them. They're probably still asleep right now after that effort though... Never mind haha...

Haven't blog in almost a month because of yearbook, studies and laziness. Exams have started and I'm really hitting my strides now in studying. Sometimes there's just no time to make for other stuff. Haven't pick up a racquet in weeks as well, which would come as a surprise (dismay?) for some people... Oh well, the things you do for work...

Anyhow I digress. This post is about the Yearbook and ALL about the Yearbook. I must say I am immensely proud of it. This one bore starkly different memories from the last one I did in SFI. For one, I was REALLY in charge with the teacher just supervising (remember Mr. Ngoh, Chong?) and had to do all the work-chasing, last minute editing and updating Ms. Cheah (the teacher advisor) with the progress. Pam helped immensely of course, along with Tony, Dolly, Yan and Amira with the designing as I'm Photoshop-illiterate (not anymore!). Anyhow I didn't realise how under-staffed I was in the designing department until the workload started rolling in and people were scrambling to finish the designs. Having designed a few pages myself, I must say it IS hard work. I know Leong Hoo (the last Student Editor) did it last year as well, learning Photoshop from scratch to help supplement the designers, but now having done it myself, it really takes a hell lot of effort and apparently, he did much more designing work than me.

Procrastinating is a norm in any project and this one was no exception. Thankfully everything got done because of incessant nagging, stalking and "some" bashing of heads and I think the final product should live up to its predecessors. While that meant (for me) playing the whip and bad guy sometimes and yelling and hollering and raising hell, at least the work got done and no hard feelings taken (I hope) between both parties... Surprisingly, it was the most talented and experienced people who could have finished the job in no time at all who procrastinated, and I must say I was quite frustrated at that. Also ran into some technological glitches with laptops crashing and going missing but thankfully that's been solved as well. Am really sorry about Yoska's notebooks though. Hope you get even better ones with the insurance money ;)

In terms of length this is also the longest yearbook I've done. A grand total of 192 pages, not including the cover. Editing and proof-reading was hell of course, but luckily Ms. Cheah got the entire English Department to help out so I'm hoping for an (almost) flawless yearbook. Seems Mr. Sutherland proof-read the entire thing in 5 hours, which is definitely a herculean effort! All thanks to him for his input to the Yearbook (and no thanks for making me spend an entire weekend editing 192 pages...).However despite the length, the page order for the Yearbook was relatively easy to sort out as everything just fell into place neatly. The order haven't changed much through out the years and I can't see it changing much more either. All I needed to watch out for was which pages went on the left and on the right so that was relatively easy so to speak. It also helped that last year's order was also passed down to me before Leong Hoo left, which saved me a lot of time flipping through last year's Yearbook to come out with the page order.

Finally, I can't possibly thank everybody without mentioning dear, dear quarterduckpam. Yeap, that's her. Pam.

If you compliment her she's going to be modest and said she did nothing and was just on the sidelines etc. so DON'T give her the chance to! But seriously after the amount of designing she did I don't think you can say that you never got involved, can you Pam? Thank you so much for all the funky designs (check out the Yearbook for details :), man-managing the designers, listening to me rant and keeping my temper in check. Yes, she's the nice one (sort of). I'm the one that has my knives out constantly. Am sorry for constantly eating into your sleeping time / leisure time / study time / staring-at-Daniel-Radcliffe time but oh well, haha, too bad for you... I'm sure she's as happy as me that this is finally finished so that she can get back to her Chem and Bio books. Anyways big thanks to her for putting up with me for the duration of this whole thing. Also big thanks to all my committee members (sorry I can't write individual paragraphs for you ^^) Antony, Amira, C.J., Wei Ern, Hui Wen, Yan, Dolly, Yoska, Kevin, Joanne, Samantha, Ikram, Nunu, Farah and Hui Ming (and Debbie for the cover, even though you're not in the committee). Thank you all so much for all your effort and dedication to the Yearbook. It has been a pleasure working with you guys and I think you can be justly proud with the work put in. Kudos!~Zhongy~

P/S OUTING NEXT TUESDAY FOR ALL COMMITTEE MEMBERS!!! PLEASE CLEAR YOUR DIARIES FOR 3RD JUNE 9 P.M.!!!

SNAP

2008-05-01T16:48:00.003+01:00

So I have finally succumbed to peer pressure and hopped on to the Facebook bandwagon. Guys and gals those who have Facebook accounts, PLEASE ADD ME as I'm too lazy to be looking around for contacts.

On another note I seem to be incredibly lacking in decent photos (or photos which I look half-decent in.) Might be high time to start snapping photos (or getting into group photos) so that I can keep a half-filled photo album of some KTJ memories (or indeed childhood memories). Ughhhh.... Was never photogenic in the first place...

Am hating the current Malaysian politics scene now which is in a massive disarray. Anybody who saw the telecast of our parliament must be shaking their heads... Utterly disappointing... If things continue like that there won't be much of a future for Malaysians left to hope for. Seriously if they keep on acting like that, we might as well elect people who will behave in less childish manners and can get a better job done. At least parliament will be civilised... I cannot believe this is what 50 years of democracy have brought us to. MPs, please lead by example and carry yourself in a dignified manner. If you can't do that, get lost. Malaysia doesn't need people like you around, especially to lead the country. And that goes for BOTH sides.~Zhongy~

That Song In The Car...

2008-04-27T01:36:00.003+01:00

Yea, so I've been away for a long time. Have been meaning to write that Term 4 roundup but I'm just too busy/lazy/preoccupied with other more pressing matters to just sit down and write. I'll leave that for now and just hope to get back to it soon. But knowing me, probably not...

Been feeling lethargic lately, probably because of constant late night work and incessant tennis. When insomnia goes and the fatigue sets in, it really hits hard and I've been trying hard to maintain a good state of health lately to the point that Mr. Sutherland (of all people!) noticed. Oh well... Just have to try my best to balance out my time then between snoozing and working. AND THE BRILLIANT RAINY WEATHER DOESN'T HELP EITHER... Every time it rains I'm just so tempted to curl up under my blanket and snuggle up to my pillow, bolster and Nicky and just go to sleep. ISH... Pathetic fallacy, pathetic fallacy...

Freaking hate people who have no pride, especially when it comes to winning. I mean, come on, beat me with your real game if you want to prove that you're good, not play some crap tactics which I know 1) I can't win, 2) Look damn bad on you and 3) doesn't mean anything. The scoreline is just utter nonsense. That's twice this year now. Ish... Bastards. Can't even enjoy a proper competition these days with these kind of people around. Melaka players have WAYYYYY better sportsmanship, and don't get me started on court abuse and chucking racquets around...

Nadzimuddin played really well for Inter-House hockey this year, considering that we were favourites to end up last. Might not seem true but seriously, the only two sports that we aren't freaking favourites are hockey and basketball. Our team did brilliantly to take the game to other houses and at some points in the game actually looked poised to snatch victory from much more fancied opponents if not for bad luck, poor finishing and defensive mistakes. Final verdict: 2 draws and 1 loss, ending on 3rd in the table, which is credible. As captain Maas said, 'For Nadzi guys, a hockey win is a win, a draw is a win and a (credible) loss is a draw.' Good effort guys, and I'm sure everybody who watched would agree. Oh and yea, I'm sick of people saying that every Nadzi sports team are made up of rugby players. Come on just because Nadzi are 8 times reigning rugby champions doesn't mean we're only good at that. The fact is the core of every Nadzi team is made up of the most versatile players (namely Jun, Ash, Maas, Yusmin, Ben) who can play every inter-house sport well. Just because most of them played rugby for the school doesn't mean you brand them rugby players. Hey, they play football more often these days and I don't see people branding NAQ people hockey players as well when they field almost similar teams in inter-house too. Ish... Mindless stereotyping...

Last 24 hour stretch to submission of yearbook (first edition) to the printer. Dinner with the principal and his wife tonight too but not really keen on that... Keep your fingers crossed that my team make this deadline. More on that later when I finally get it done. Pray that we make it now rather than another delay. Can't wait to see how it will work out in print!For now, just another song to keep people going. I notice that I've been doing this quite frequently but some things just can't be expressed in prose.

Teardrops On My Guitar
Taylor Swift

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's so damn funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into...

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.

First thoughts on it was that it was pretty much trans-gender despite the lyrics, meaning you could easily change the "she's" to "he's" when you sing, and trust me when you get into the mood, that tends to happen. 'Drew' is pretty much a trans-gender name as well...~Zhongy~

Home Alone...

2008-04-19T16:18:00.000+01:00

Nobody's Home
Avril Lavigne

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah

Home isn't a specific place. It's a state of being where you truly feel that you belong among friends, family, people who truly know you and you can trust without reservations. Sadly, nobody's home right now...~Zhongy~

Changes

2008-04-09T04:14:00.002+01:00

Changed my layout for this blog. I do not take credit for any thing done here. Took it off a website which makes custom templates for blogger. I'm sure there's a link somewhere on this page. Hope this turns out well on all your screens (mine doesn't cos I have an awkward screen size 1440:900) and I think the background and text makes a better read. Love the lone howling wolf background which speaks more than a thousand words... If you don't know yet I love things with hidden meanings, double meanings, word play etc. so go figure :)

Am tempted to write a summary and conclusion for Term 4 but I need to get back to some work. So in the meantime enjoy the new layout while I finish this tag thing to please some people :)

1. Who is your all-time inspiration?
People I meet, friends and family, and famous people of course.

2. Have you given your first kiss away?
What kiss?

3. If you were to be stranded on a deserted island, who are the 3 blog buddies you would take with you? Why?
Most of my friends don't blog (the guys at least)!!! And it would be too difficult to choose just three!!

4. Where is the place that you want to go the most?
An excellent university.

5. If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?
Right now? Enough money for my education.

6. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
Yeap. Have seen it tons of times before.

7. What are you afraid to lose the most now?
My mind. 'Nuff said..

8. If you win $1 million, what would you do?
Bring it to UK with me, duhhhh....

9. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
Hmmmm.... Maybe? If I'm feeling brave?

10.List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you.
Caring, compassionate and a good listener. You know who you are :)

11. If you're feeling depressed, what is that thing/person that you turn to?
Close friends, music, my bed??

12. Which type of person do you hate the most?
Hypocrites and people who just don't give a damn to what they do or don't do.

13. What is your ambition?
Have a good life?? And make a difference.

14. If you have faults, would you rather the people around you point out to you or would you rather they keep quiet?
Just tell me straight to the face. Don't worry, I won't eat you up or something haha.

15. When is the time that you wished to turn back?
To a time when I can have everything and have no care for the world...

16. Are you a shopaholic or not?
Nope. And never will be.

17. Find a word to describe the person who tagged you.
Quiet. LoL.

18. If you have a chance, which part of your character you would like to change?
Not being so loud? And people say i jump the gun too fast...

19. What's your target age for you to get marry?
When the time comes? Might not even get married for all you know lol.

20. What is the thing on earth that you want it to disappear?
Global warming and all those corrupt, seemingly-stupid, and hypocritical politicians.

Ok I'm going to tag whoever sees this and has a blog. That should be simple enough. Doubt a lot of people read my blog anyway. The rules are to change a question above and then answer it again. And yea, you have to tag another 8 people to do this. God bless :)~Zhongy~

Words To Ponder...

2008-03-26T13:54:00.003Z

Stumbled upon this in one of the forums I visit. It's truly something that's probably close to everybody's heart.

Of All the Things I Learnt at Princeton, These are the Most Important

For many of you, the next few days will be a time of tremendous emotional turmoil.

For those who applied early to one of Princeton's peers there will be scenes of joy and others of soul-wrenching devastation. Even with the higher acceptance rates in EA/ED rounds, over two-thirds of you will find yourselves holding the dreaded thin envelope or slumped over your computer keyboard wondering what more you could have done. You will second-guess every comma and wonder if your essay was too long or if you should have retaken the SATs one more time. You'll hide from the pained smiles and words of comfort coming from parents and friends who just don't get it, who just don't understand how you hurt. On the one hand you'll rage at the school that made you feel this way and on the other, wonder if classmates who snickered at your application to school X, Y or Z really did have it right and that you are, just as they guessed, a poseur who reached too high and got what you deserved.

To anyone in this situation, I say this.

Know that your value as a person cannot be determined by a group of overworked admissions officers. You have something to offer the world and whether or not it was revealed in those maddeningly constricted spaces on those pages of impersonal forms...it is real. You are more than a "fill-in-the-blank". Remind yourself of that.

To those who were accepted early at Brown, Columbia, Cornell, Dartmouth, MIT, Stanford, UPenn, Yale or any one of many other wonderful and competitive schools--congratulations! To those who were deferred or rejected, take heart. The admissions season is far from over. In the next two weeks there will still be plenty of time to fill out applications to other schools.

One of them, I hope, will be Princeton, and this is why.

When I first saw Princeton it was easy to fall in love. Under brilliant skies the gothic spires and quiet courtyards spoke to me. I had some familiarity with the UK and saw an American version of Cambridge before me. Still, I was cautious. I had visited the campus unsure of what to expect. Competitive classmates had urged me to ignore a school they derisively characterized as a haven for the wealthy and a playground for the privileged. The eating clubs, they said, were places no civilized liberal high school student like me would be able to stomach. The town would be dull, the student body "preppy" and I would be marginalized without a name followed by a roman numeral.

They could not have been more wrong.

My most vivid memory was of my first night in my host student's room. There were no subtly probing questions about my family or my SATs or anxious and defensive questions about other schools to which I was applying (all of which I'd heard at schools I'd just visited). My host was uninterested in whether my high school was public or private or where I had 'vacationed' last summer. Instead, he leaned toward me and asked a single question. "Are you doing okay?"

"I'm asking," he said, "because I remember what a totally [explicative] time applying to schools was for me."

I breathed out slowly and then drew in the aroma of stale pizza and patient piles of dirty laundry that permeate all college students' rooms. "Yeah," I said, "and thanks for asking."

There would be many other questions in those two days. I asked about the Princeton Honor Code, if it worked and if it were true that, because of it, exams were unsupervised. I asked about the eating clubs and was taken to Charter for some fun meals with my host's decidedly unpretentious friends. I met my host's Mexican-American family and his little sister who, at the age of six or so, told me confidently that someday she was going to go to Princeton too. I found a quiet classroom with a single student hidden behind stacks of books who stopped and took the time to tell me about the workload and the opportunities, about her senior thesis and her plans for the future. I sat in on a lecture by a philosophy professor, whose name I can't remember, but whose riffs on Locke's Second Treatise on Government left me simultaneously laughing and in awe. I met a football player who also happened to sing in an a cappella group and an engineer who wrote short stories. I was introduced to a young professor who spent at least half an hour over coffee answering my questions and encouraging me to consider Princeton seriously.

Everywhere I went those two days, I found an institution serious in its purpose and determined to expect and demand the best from the members of its community. There was no arrogance, little talk of comparisons with other schools and no more popped collars than I had seen anywhere else. I heard plenty of laughing, strolled the busy town, overhead conversations in languages from across the globe and worked out in a sweaty gym with dozens of friendly students. Two days may not be enough time to see deeply into the soul of an institution, but it is long enough to realize that it has one.

In the end, I applied to all of Princeton's peers and was lucky enough to be offered a place at each of them. Now, a number of years out of Princeton, I look back and know that I never really had a choice. In passing under those vaulted arches, while sitting quietly in Princeton's magnificent chapel as stained glass rainbows bathed me in their soft light, in finding friends everywhere I turned during those magical autumn days...I had asked the right question. I had found the "me" that had been looking for an academic home.

Of all the things I learned at Princeton, these are the most important--

Life is not always easy but it is rich beyond any eighteen year old's imagination and it is all ahead of you. Be humble and work hard. Give thanks for the gifts you've received and remember that some will be earned while others will be handed to you as a result of glorious good fortune. Be strong when things go badly and forgive yourself for your failures. Avoid both false modesty and crippling pride. Be real, and finally, care about those around you in the same way Princeton cared about me. And, oh yes--every once in awhile, ask them how they're doing.

This is true not only for US Ivy League universities, but UK ones and in fact, all the universities in the world as well. The terms 'prestigious' and 'unattainable' are subjective. What you can catch when you reach for the stars is personal and the result is probably a mixture of skill, hard work, talent and luck. In our world today being the straight A student with exemplary extra-curricular activities is not enough already. The top unis take for granted that those who apply are just that, the best of the best, the creme de la creme of their year. And it's true. Yet, admission rates for Ivies and Oxbridge are hitting all time lows now (close to 5%) and with every passing year, the quality of students get higher and the admission rates, lower. Sometimes people wonder what does it really take to make it to these top universities.

I was rejected by Duke University today. Duke is not quite in the Ivy's league but definitely one of the best in the world (13th by Times for 2 consecutive years). This is the letter by the Dean of Admissions:

Dear Zhong Yang:

It is with very real regret that I must tell you that we will not be able to offer you a place in the class entering Duke this fall. I realize that this is disappointing news; I want to assure you that we considered your candidacy carefully and that our decision was not an easy one.

This was in many ways an extraordinary year for the admission process at Duke. We received more than 20,300 applications, the largest number in our history and over a thousand more than last year. The applicant pool was one of the strongest academically we have ever had. As a result, in filling just 1,650 places in the first-year class the Admissions Committee faced a number of difficult decisions, and found itself not being able to admit students it might well have admitted just a year or two ago. After reviewing each application at least twice, it is clear to us that almost all of our applicants are outstanding young women and men, people fully capable of performing well in Duke’s classrooms and contributing to our community. Unfortunately, the sheer volume of applicants means that we can admit only a small percentage of the students we find appealing, a task made exceptionally difficult by the unusual strength and size of our applicant pool this year.

You may be asking what was lacking in your application; for most of our applicants the honest answer is nothing. If you’re like most of the students who applied, you’ve put much effort into doing well in school, you made significant contributions in your extracurricular activities, and you worked hard to balance the many demands on your time. The Admissions Office staff and the Admissions Committee carefully and fully evaluated each application, finding it extremely challenging to distinguish among the many exceptional students who would flourish here. The decisions of the Admissions Committee are guided by our understanding of our applicants as individuals, and our sense of which students together, with their particular combination of interests, backgrounds, and experiences, approach our sense of the class that is most appropriate for Duke right now. We have no quotas by school, by state, by race or ethnic group, by gender, or by area of interest. Our decisions are ultimately based on our evaluation of the many factors that together suggest to us the best match between our applicants – individually and as a group – and Duke. In creating our class and choosing among the large number of outstanding candidates, we could select only some of the many applicants who would be wonderful Duke students and alumni. I can tell you that at one point or another every staff member remarked how difficult the selection process was this year.

You and your fellow applicants have exceptional academic and personal qualifications, and I truly regret that we could not offer you a place in the first-year class. I know that you will find an institution at which you will be happy; I know, too, that the school you choose will benefit from your presence. I wish you all the success I know you are capable of as you pursue your education further.

Deep down, nothing would cheer me up from not getting an offer. It is that hollow feeling of not being good enough, of not being wanted. But yet sometimes I wonder, is it really the case of not being good enough? The expectations weigh down heavily on my shoulders, but when being rejected, there is just the frustration of not being able to make a case for yourself, to prove to somebody sitting across the globe that I am worthy of a place. And yes, I do feel worthy, I do feel good enough, and I do feel that I can be as good, if not better than those chosen to take their place in these universities. Call it ego, call it pride, but I have always believed that my track record speaks for itself, and nobody can take that away from me. I am not a fatalist, but sometimes, you just have to put it down to 'not meant to be', simply because there just isn't any other explanation for it...~Zhongy~

Damnit Why Are You So Pissed and Emo!!!

2008-03-23T13:29:00.004Z

Scholarship time again. For those who don't know or who want to apply, there are currently 3 scholarships to apply for which are due at the end of this week, Khazanah, Sime Darby and Bank Negara! Back to filling endless forms that you somehow have a sinking feeling that people won't actually read and possibly, if you're lucky enough to be shortlisted, preparing for interviews again. Hate this cycle but it's for my tertiary education overseas. No choice in that....

Decisions for all US applications are also out at the end of this month so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Already got rejected from MIT (they only took 1 from Malaysia this year!) but still hopeful for the rest. Feel that I did particularly well for the Harvard and Yale interviews so if luck permits, I'll be on my way to US in September. Oh well, we'll see how it goes...

It's one more week to the end of Term 4 in KTJ and I'm still not done with my Yearbook yet. Articles are still streaming in and so are the designs so I'm hopeful everything will be done in this last week of school. Bit annoyed by all the procrastinating going on but I guess it's all part of the process... Final push now, final push...

Have not been sleeping well lately, so struggling to get some decent rest. Hopefully all will be well come the end of term, where I'll have two weeks off to chill and (also hit the books for my finals). Still trying to come to terms with some things, and will sort that out in time... For now, it's full steam ahead for my work. There's just no time to be distracted now by all this meaningless things... On another note am happy with my End-of-Term report and how I did in my trials (bar Physics, which was a farce), so that should keep my mood up for a little during the days :)

Anyhow will keep you guys updated, hopefully with some good news by the end of this month...~Zhongy~

Lost Innocence...

2008-03-13T13:01:00.001Z

Innocence
Avril Lavigne
The Best Damn Thing

Waking up I see that everything is ok
The first time in my life and now it's so great!
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliance, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

I found a place so safe, not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it's so clear
Feel calm I belong, I'm so happy here
It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliance, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It's so beautiful it makes you want to cry

This innocence is brilliance, it makes you want to cry
This innocence is brilliance, please don't go away
'Cause I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

This innocence is brilliance, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

Upbeat lyrics, but I always get a sense of dread listening to this song... Haih... I'm sorry... Sometimes I'm just too proud for my own good...~Zhongy~

New Morning

2008-03-09T14:55:00.002Z

An article on the Malaysian Bar website by Mr. Yeo Yang Poh. The title is 'New Morning' which I feel, will strike a chord among all Malaysians out there. Happy reading!

New Morning
Mr. Yeo Yang Poh
Sunday, 9th March 2008

The 8th day of March 2008 is a milestone in Malaysian history; and the 9th, the following day, witnesses a new morning.

For half a century, Malaysians (for a variety of reasons both real and imagined) have got accustomed to living under a political monopoly, believing and fearing that any substantial change would be detrimental to their own interest. It was, in part, an indoctrinated fear.

That psychological shackle of fear has now been broken.

The Barisan Nasional (including its predecessor), having ruled the country since independence, is naturally wondering why its iron-fisted monopoly has been so suddenly and unexpectedly breached. For the sake of moving the nation forward, this enquiry, if it can be carried out with brutal and painful frankness, will be a meaningful one.

The reasons for this moment of truth are multiple and complex, almost too numerous to list. But I suggest that they include the following:

(a) There is no denial that the coalition formula was necessary for the attainment of independence. The spirit of working together, as equal partners, was both admirable and essential. Equal, that is, though not in terms of numbers, but in terms of rights and responsibilities. However, over the years, the gradual erosion of this spirit, brought about by the greed for power and wealth, has betrayed the essence of the coalition formula, and has turned it from a winning formula into an oppressive one.

(b) To maintain power and control, it became expedient to arrange politics according to race, in order to divide and rule, first along racial lines, and then along religious ones. The coalition becomes equal only in the payment of lip service. It gets increasingly difficult to convince the affected persons that this is a partnership of equals, while their representatives are compelled to continue insisting that it is.

(c) The preoccupation by the ruling elite in pursuing personal power and wealth, fuelled by an unbroken string of successes no matter how audacious their conduct has become, has entrenched a culture of ignoring the genuine needs and wishes of the people. The citizens’ voices of appeal may grow louder and louder, but are met with either deaf ears or insincere promises that are repeatedly broken. Those who dare to turn up the volume of their complaints are harshly dealt with. But the people cannot be fooled forever. Carrots delivered just before each election might have worked for a while, but cannot work indefinitely. And the people cannot be cowed forever.

(d) For decades Malaysians with genuine grouses or who wish to offer solutions for societal problems were told to work “within the system”. “If you want something (that ought to be yours in the first place), come and work within the system” is the fatherly decree issued throughout the years. That might be acceptable if the system in fact works. Alas, most experience of working within the system soon became “begging the system”, with small successes and huge frustrations. Is it surprising, then, that a time will come when the people will say that enough is enough?

(e) A system of the above nature allows sycophants and leaders with personal agenda to thrive, while those who wish to reveal the truth and improve the lot of the people are at best ignored and at worst persecuted. Such is the perfect recipe for an eventual downfall.

(f) The above expanding phenomena, and many others, have manufactured a host of fatal problems such as endemic corruption, depletion of national resources, inequity in the distribution of resources, abuse of power, and the like; in short, an unfair society. It is a matter of time before simmering discontent acquires an erupting force.

(g) Arrogance on the part of the ruling elite (again because of their unbroken record of successes and the fear tactics that they have no reservation in using) makes them blind to the repeated warnings that things are about to boil over. The use of threats, splashed on the front pages of newspapers in the days leading to the election, sickened many, and probably backfired. Some of those threats had clear racial undertones. It was Malaysians who, in casting their votes, had surprised the Barisan by rising above racial divide (such as in Penang and Klang). The Barisan has underestimated the growing maturity of the Malaysian electorate.

There are of course many more reasons and causes than those mentioned above. If the Barisan wishes to regain lost ground in the future, it needs to sincerely pay heed to frank advice, and remedy its serious shortcomings.

Now that the political monopoly has been broken in a number of States, and the future prospect of breaking the same at the federal level has become an attainable goal rather than a dream, the Opposition (which is now the ruling party at some State levels) has a mountain of work ahead. So much hope is pinned on their shoulders.

Among the most important things that the Opposition must do are the following.

(i) They must never forget, not even in their sleep, that their much-improved victory is not their victory, but the victory of the people. Thus they must serve the people with humility and dedication. They should be proud, not of their success, but of the people who have enabled them to succeed.

(ii) Having been in the opposition for so long, some of them need to quickly learn the ropes of governing. Teething problems are inevitable. Be transparent and frank to the people, and remedy any errors as soon as they are discovered. While the people expect perfect bona fide and honesty, they will be forgiving about imperfections in the execution of tasks, when things are done transparently.

(iii) Identify and divide tasks into various categories: those that require urgent attention, short-term goals, long-term policies, and so on. Set timelines for each task, though not cast in stones, and make every effort to keep to them. Engage or employ the right people for the right jobs. Outsource if need be.

(iv) Pay immediate attention to issues that are most burning to the people, such as the economy, poverty issues, equitable distribution of resources and opportunities, security, etc.

(v) Set up effective oversight mechanisms immediately, especially in relation to financial matters, the processing and granting of permits and contracts, and corruption in the public sector. This must include a strict monitoring of the members of the Opposition themselves, to ensure that no corruption or cronyism is practised.

(vi) Set up effective mechanism to receive and address complaints from members of the public.

(vii) Opposition leaders at all levels, and in particular the top leaders, must ensure that there is no in-fighting among themselves, for this will quickly destroy the faith that Malaysians have placed on them by giving them this opportunity that is hitherto unprecedented in Malaysian history.

The challenge for the Opposition in the coming months and years is a huge one. There will be many more ways to fail in this challenge than to succeed. They have to be always vigilant, honest and humble. Opposition members are not exempt from frequent visits by the demons of human weaknesses. The same people who have put them there can as easily reverse the decision if they should betray the faith placed in them.

Checks and balances are essential for any system of government. This new morning in Malaysia will in the long run benefit all Malaysians, whatever their political persuasions may be. Let us all get down to hard, honest work.

Results and Elections

2008-03-09T12:42:00.002Z

Oh well, I guess I should be updating this more frequently, but I'm so bogged down with work that it's become more of a nuisance to keep this going. Anyhow here goes:

Results for January exams just came out. Must say that I'm deeply DISAPPOINTED. Have high A's in C4 (100), FP1 (96), M3 (96) and Poetry+Translations (116/120) but surprise surprise, C's in S2 (65) and Captain Corelli's Mandolin (59). DISAPPOINTING! Totally... I agree with Pn. Noorsham. Disappointed and still in disbelief with these results. No way in hell that I can get these results. Well maybe by a long shot it's mathematically possible, but seriously... CCM was by far the most cruel, where only 1 person (Yan) got A in the whole class. S2 only 9 people got A's in the whole form. But still, that doesn't help comfort me in any way. Refuse to believe that I am in any way a C student and I feel that this does not reflect upon the hard work and effort I have put in, especially for CCM during the holidays. Though the S2 results doesn't affect my final grade, I'm still going to retake it for the sake of 'pride and personal satisfaction' (quote; Mr. Dickman). I know I sound dumb and stuck up because I can be using the extra time to prepare for other papers come May and June buy seriously, I won't be satisfied until I set the record right. Retaking CCM also even though I'm 25 marks above the A cut-off point. I guess it's better because I know I can do well in it and raise my cut-off point. Don't feel particularly confident with Antony & Cleopatra or Larkin poetry OR the unseen so it's for the best.

Down to more, should I say pressing and important matters? Malaysia held it's General Elections again and this time round, we see definite winds of change through out the country. It's the first time Barisan Nasional has suffered such a setback since 1969. The Opposition has won five states and has denied BN a 2/3 majority in parliament. After the crushing win in 2004, this is certainly a slap on the face. However, it goes without saying that the writing has already been long on the wall and the results do not come as such a huge surprise. In fact, should our PM have called the elections later, the outcome would probably have been much worse due to rising prices of domestic products, ethnic unrest and high profile scandals. The voters have spoken at the polls and they should seriously take heed to the voices out there.

On another note, I am somehow sceptical about the new distribution of power in our country. The Opposition now owns 5 states and holds almost 35% in parliament. Granted it has reduced the monopoly of BN in federal matters but seriously, what does this mean for the people in Malaysia? A particularly disturbing case springs to mind: The case of Shahrir Abdul Samad resigning as chairman of the BN Backbenchers Club (see Screenshots: http://www.jeffooi.com/2006/05/sandiwara_take_the_teflon_test.php) in 2006. Apparently, party members are not allowed to support motions brought up by the opposing parties in parliament. It is a policy in BN and I suspect, in all the other parties as well. Well take into account what will happen in our parliament now that BN has been denied 2/3 majority. Nothing will get done! Motions will be opposed because of party policy and with the lack of majority, no effective decisions can be made. It remains to be seen how this will play out but for the sake of our country, I hope that this ridiculous policy is thrown out of the window. When you're in parliament you make decisions based on what is best for the people. There should be no restrictions on whether they support a motion or not. To quote Shahrir,

'Like in all things, I have my principles. For example when I decided to resign as MP some time ago, I made a decision because of certain principles. You must have principles. In politics, you must have principles.

Just like in the media, you must have principles. If your boss tells you your story must be changed, then you must resign.'

Now if every MP could be like that, Malaysia would have been a much better place. For now, we'll just have to wait and see... Hopefully they will make decisions with integrity and it would truly be a sign that Malaysia has matured as a country. That would really be taking a huge step forward in terms of democracy. For now, it would be better to just see if our newly-elect leaders can fulfil their promises and restore the public faith in the government. With this new advent in politics, there are certainly exciting times ahead...~Zhongy~

Forensics!! And a Very Pleasant Surprise...

2008-02-26T14:06:00.003Z

Another year, another Forensics competition and this time round it was a good year for KTJ. We won the Sweepstakes Trophy (Overall Champions) again and became the first school outside ISKL to do a Debate 1-2! I had my doubts when taking part and so did Kevin but the team was amazing. Zhi Wei, Shafqat, Cher Waye and Chin Mun worked exceptionally hard for the incredibly technical resolution of 'The Actions of Corporations Ought to be Held at the Same Moral Standards as the Actions of Individuals' and their hard work paid off at the end. The opening controversy of being disqualified from the tournament actually motivated the team to go for broke and it was indeed pleasing to see the decision reversed. (In truth it was a breakdown in communication but we would just ignore that fact now) Kevin and me did not make it to the quarter-finals but we were happy with our performances. Kudos to the two Lower Sixth teams for making the quarter-finals AND knocking out two ISKL teams at the same time. I think that must have been the most satisfying moment in the whole competition, knocking out the hosts and heavy favourites AND THEN completing a 1-2 in the finals. I can't say how very very proud I am of you guys and all of you really deserve the results! People have been saying about how we have the the best debating team in KTJ history this year but seriously, like Shafqat said, 'We have National debaters, state debaters, district debaters and Kevin and Zhong'. The presence of Kevin and me were just mainly to anchor the team and provide the neccessary experience and understanding of the system. Otherwise, you guys pretty much ran the show and I am very very proud of all of you.

Other than that, Fauzana practically stole the show in this year's Solo Acting category. I've never seen a more touching piece in my life! Truly you have convinced me about the power of words. She brought tears to the audience by just sitting on a chair and talking about her (fictional) father. Her biggest action? Presenting a cup of coffee... Good or what? Seriously if I was less cold-hearted, I might have actually cried too. Believe me, it was THAT moving... Definitely going to nominate her to perform during assembly haha. Other mentions also go to Samantha and E-Quine, who both did very well in the OO and OI categories (bronze medals). I'm sure both of you will go from strength to strength and mount a stronger challenge for gold next year. KTJ is counting on you!

The Upper Sixers: Nadzra, Faiz, Joanne, Amira, Kevin and me all bowed out with our heads held high in the competition. I feel that the acting categories (Solo and Duet acting) were particularly tough this year and congratulations to the team of Nadzra and Faiz along with solo actor Amira for reaching the semi-finals this year. Though you guys were not among the finalists, I really enjoyed your performances and you have no reason not to be proud with yourself. A huge congratulations also go to Joanne who made the Impromptu finals. It was an improvement from last year and I thought you did very well in the finals despite losing out to the other contestants, true to your style and witty all the same.

A big thank you and pat on the back goes to all the other KTJ team members and staff who helped make this year's Forensics venture a success. To the contestants who did not make an impact this year, hey, there's always next year for you to try your luck again. And with this year's experience, I'm sure you'll be better prepared for next year's competition and hopefully, do our school proud. Anyhow we also thank you for all the support that you have given to the other team members through out the tournament and we couldn't have done so well without all of you! My appreciation also goes out to Mr. James Braddan, Ms. Sarah, Mr. Kenneth, Ms. Carol, Mr. Sutherland and other teachers from the ELU who took the time to coach various members of the team this year and for chaperoning us through out the 3 days. I'm sure you have been a great help to all the contestants and be assured that your efforts are very much appreciated.

Anybody who have been following this blog would know that I've had serious doubts over participating in Forensics this year. What changed my mind in the end was the enthusiasm shown by the Lower Six-ers and partly Ms. Carol coaxing me to take part. In truth, I am probably not much better than whoever who didn't make it through the auditions. Ms. Carol probably tought that we needed some people in the team who had experience in the American debate system and therefore included me. I hope that my presence in the team has been beneficial and has justified my selection and decision to stay on. I can't say how pleased and proud I am of you Lower Sixers. I'm sure this success will be one that will stick in your memories forever. For Kevin and me, it is enough to be part of this historic moment in KTJ Forensics history.

The third day of Forensics was made doubly happy because of a very pleasant surprise! Thank you... I am really touched and overjoyed... After so long I didn't expect to hear from you again... Thought you would have forgotten about me by now.... Thank you... Still in euphoria because of you... Can't say how much I missed you... Really really want to see you again, no matter how impossible it might seem...

Going back this Friday for exeat and then trials next week. It's going to be a busy busy end to Term 1 and here's hoping that everything goes well... Anime Fest this weekend at MMU!! Let's see if I can get my hands on a Gundam or two... If not, catching up on some sleep will do fine. Goodness knows how much I need a break with all this stress... If things don't lighten up, I might need to see a caunselor or something... PAM!!! haha...~Zhongy~

Waiting for an Angel...

2008-02-18T04:03:00.002Z

Angel
Sarah McLachlan

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

Delivering Promises...

2008-02-17T11:40:00.001Z

Have been attending a string of interviews lately, particularly for US universities. Once you've been through a lot of them, the whole process becomes kinda routine. It's always the same suit, the same questions and the same answers. I want to think that it helps my application, that it would help me somehow get in to one of these unis, but seriously, there's just no way to tell how good or bad an interview just went. You go in and chat, nothing serious. At the end of the interview, the interviewer wishes you good luck and bye, and you're out there on your own again. Truth is, I suck at interviews. Yea I'm a kind of introvert when it comes to personal things and feelings, AND I feel bad about the idea of actually selling myself to the interviewer. I don't like it, this idea of selling yourself. I'm the type which is the silent worker, the one that leads by example, not words. I thrive on professionalism, brute work and efficiency (the last hardly true as I'm also guilty of procrastination some times), not inspirational rhetoric or flashes of brilliance. I'm driven and motivated, no doubt about that, but that hardly shines through in interviews. It really doesn't help when you can't sufficiently portray these qualities during these interviews, because every applicant have almost the same level of achievements. You're on level ground now. A good interview can really tilt the scales in a person's favour, and I feel that I don't really have the pulling weight when it comes to this. Every time I get rejected, I can't help have the sinking feeling that the cause was the interview. For sure I am as good on the paper as anybody else, so why not me? Why somebody else? There is just no rational explanation...

Going for an interview this Tuesday. Let's hope I do well enough to impress the interviewer that I'm certainly THE BEST candidate for a place. God how I want one...~Zhongy~

January, February and So It Goes...

2008-02-10T14:12:00.000Z

Not such a bright start to the year I was hoping for but at least it finally came :( Was kinda expecting it since I didn't really do well at the interview. Anyhow here it is:

Anyhow thanks to all for the new year wishes and birthday wishes. 18 now! Not such a big deal buy hey? A year older. Now it means I can go into clubs and drink and smoke and PARRRTTTAAAAYYYYY..... (Jun imitation lol) Other than that, no real significance I can think of....

I'm officially participating in Forensics debate again... Kevin has very kindly acquesced (I hope so) to be my partner again this year despite lack of practice, research and skill. Hopefully with a stronger team this year, we can actually make more of an impact in the debating field, and with some luck, bring back a medal. The best bets would probably be on Shafqat and Zhi Wei (if they can get their act and speeches together) but the luck of draw makes everything possible...

Good grades for my October exams with As in Physics and General Paper bades well for the future. It really helps that I achieved an AAA breakdown for my Physics so no retakes! YAY!! On the other hand, the January exams went well and I would still be aiming for As in all the English Literature and Mathematics modules which would put me in a very good position during May. It would also give me more time to dedicate to my Yearbook work which will be discussed below...

Yearbook. Aaaahhhh.... Possibly the most hair-losing, frustrating, meticulous and satisfying project ever in anybody's school life. It's time to get a move on with all the back log of work and time for me to go into the German Nazi-ish mood (quote: Jit) again. Things are looking rosy at the moment and hopefully everything will be done at the end of this term or at the very latest, April. Here's to a very very productive second half of Term 1 where everybody will meet all the deadlines. Wishful thinking Zhongey... But seriously, that would be the most perfect, perfect present ever...

On another note, the grim reaper has been very busy this two months... 4 deaths now, and counting... Seriously it's been so frequent that I haven't get the time to write out proper eulogies for the four deceased. In chronological order, our beloved Ms. Ooi Saw Imm, Mr. Quah Ban Hock, Ong Yi's grandmum and my grand-aunt. Any more and I'll really believe I'm cursed... Death really leaves a mark upon all of us and my deepest condolences go out to all the family and friends of the deceased. At times like this when I need the least distractions from my work, it is hard to believe that it takes Death knocking on the door to bring me back into perspective and back onto ground. True life has its twist and turns, but seriously this is taking things way too far... For now, I'll just believe I'm not yet the Harbinger of Doom...

Chinese New Year was way too short. 3 and a half days are no way to celebrate the new year but then, that's life. Not in the festive spirit anyway but well, you get caught up in the atmosphere somehow. Considering the short frame of time, it was quite fun and exhausting sprinting around visiting (or trying to visit) everybody. Particularly pleasing was meeting up with Ms. Leong Hui May who I only see once a year but has not changed a bit! In fact, she seems to have gone a little more cuckoo! Maybe it runs in the family? Lol just joking... Heard from my sisters that Ang Pow collection was good this year and I'm certainly hoping so :) Am going to need it to finance a decent laptop cooler and an external hard drive. Other things can wait...

Going to enter a plea of tolerance now to all my friends... I'm not in the best of mood these days and it would do better if you didn't annoy me too much... It would be very kind if you didn't ask what it's all about too as part of it is personal and I don't feel like sharing just yet... Sensitive people may pick up nooks and crannies but that's up to your own interpretation... Mums the word for now until I pick myself up again, hopefully in the not too distant future... Haih... Depression all over again... All gloom and doom and insomnia, such a lovely recipe for distraction...~Zhongey~

Reminiscing and Thinking Ahead

2008-01-02T16:44:00.000Z

It's hard to imagine that a year has just flew past. 2006 gave way to 2007 and now 2008. So, how do I sum up 2007?

The beginning of the year was definitely a period of transition, both physically and mentally. I left the abode of my Melaka home and went to KTJ for my A Level studies. Because it's a boarding school, I only returned home every two or three weeks. It was a testing start to the year but thanks to the warm welcome I received at KTJ, I settled down quickly and made new friends. However mentally it was much worst. Readers would recall a huge series of depressing posts since the beginning of this blog... To put it simply, I was depressed. There seemed no end to my emotional problems and it was certainly one hell of a roller-coaster ride. This period probably shaped my mood for the rest of the year, though I did light up a bit later on. The pain and yearning still hurts sometimes, but it's important to let the past stay in the past, and truth be told, it's high time to move on...

After finally settling down, life pretty much resumed to normal going from first gear to full steam ahead. There were university applications to fill in and exams to study for and these basically took up a huge part of my time. Other times were spent on my co-curricular activities and there were rarely time for rest. In truth, the better part of the year were spent on work but yet still, 2007 will be best remembered for the downs rather than the ups. Fate was having a right go at my self-esteem and it suffered some real battering. Hence the probably endless brooding through out the year but thankfully, there were always my friends to help me get back on my feet. There were definitely more misses than hits and I'd like to put them behind me as soon as possible to face the challenges ahead...

So what can I look forward to in 2008? For starters, university life beckons in September and there goes another chapter of my life... Other than that, I have unfinished business in KTJ and would need to sort out my stuff before I leave. The yearbook needs completing, Larkin needs to be analysed and more equations to learn :) (Not that I'm complaining of course!) I doubt there would be any surprises for me installed in the new year (pleasant ones are always doubly welcomed!) but we would just have to wait and see. Probably less brooding and depressing I hope, but the stress would undoubtedly come with time. With luck, time and inspiration, I'd keep you guys updated with happenings in my life... For now, here's a very happy new year and a wish list for 2008!

1. University offers, which is probably THE MOST IMPORTANT thing right now. Cambridge would be very nice, though I won't say no to the top US unis and if I'm lucky, some choice come May lol.

2. A laptop cooler? My Dell overheated while I was playing Battlefield 2. I can hear Chong laughing his ass off now haha. But seriously, I need to get one for the sake of pro-longing its life-span. Plus, it improves typing ergonomics :) Oh and lets not forget an external hard-drive...

3. Freedom to drive alone... 'Nuff said.

4. An excellent yearbook by my committee. This would probably be my last editing project and I hope to make it the best ever. We definitely have the talent, but what about commitment? Hmmm....

5. More time spent with my family. If I'm going to go abroad for my degree, this is definitely a priority.

6. An end to my health problems. Seriously, I think it's time I grew out of eczema already! Gah... Also my wrist... Haven't seen a doctor but I hope it's not serious...

7. More time to spend alone or with friends. I need my own space too, but company's always nice! Haha. I've not been in the best of moods but hopefully this would change for the better.

8. Results! I'd probably attempt STEP again in June and I hope that turns up well enough... Otherwise, I'm not too worried about my A Levels. Have to be careful not to be too over-confident though...

9. Something to cuddle up to at night if I'm feeling lonely :D

10. I want my confidence back again. 2007 practically drained it from me and I need it back if I'm going to want to succeed next year... It would also mean a lot if people understood how I really feel...

There are people I want to see again, and I hope fate will reunite us in time... There's no more chance to turn back the clock, but I would have hoped for a better end than silence... ~Zhongy~

Waiting On You...

2007-12-11T15:03:00.000Z

I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE CRITICISE MY DRIVING, ESPECIALLY WHEN I'M IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT!

There, got that off my chest. Seriously you'd think I passed my driver's exam for nothing... Ish...

Anyhow, sorry for the uber long hiatus people. I was tied up with tons of stuff, and sort of lost much of my motivation of writing in this seeing that my parents are reading everything here. (YES MUM AND DAD I KNOW)

Anyhow, huge load of update:

- Physics AS went well generally, though there were problems the night before Paper 1 and 2. I think I did ok but Paper 2 was a really hard paper. Still hoping for an A though since the threshold mark is not that high.

- Did well in my Eng. Literature internals. I was very pleased and so was Ms. Carol. This augurs well for my real external exams next month and again hoping for A's in the modules so I don't need to resit. On another note, Maths internals were generally well. Careless mistakes and arithmetic errors littered my papers but still managed respectable scores so it should be fine. I'm now quite familiar with the methods and just need to be more careful. Overall some very encouraging results but still, I'd need to do some revision during this month's break for the externals in January. READ: NO PROCRASTINATION haha. Hopefully so...

- Received conditional offers from Warwick, Imperial and UCL. All quite stringent with at least 3A's so its something to work towards. Just what I've expected though so it didn't come as a real surprise except for Warwick, which made a 4A's offer (or 3A1B + Grade 2 in STEP). Really top drawer offer to rival Cambridge and speaks volumes of the level of candidates which they have. They're currently my Firm choice (barring a Cambridge offer) and though there's not much in the city, its way cheaper than London and offer better education lol. (No offence to the London unis and their graduates of course haha) Currently still waiting on Durham and of course, Cam...

- US applications are coming along fine and I should submit them by next week. Parents have been breathing down my neck ever since I came back and its seriously almost done. Essays are nuts but I guess its all part of the process... This of course means I might go to US next year instead of UK. Keep your fingers crossed that I have my pick...

~~Ok enough on the work front~~

Went to Sabah for 4 days with my family and it was fun. I won't bother to elaborate much here since they say a picture is worth a thousand words. I was quite surprised at the climate on Mt. Kinabalu though, which was certainly colder than Cameron Highlands, and that was just at the foot of the mountain! The sea water at the islands were really crystal clear, and I had much fun snorkeling and looking at corals. In a nutshell, a much welcomed (and should I say deserved?) break. However I didn't bring back any souvenirs though as none particularly caught my eye. (Sorry guys...)

Last week of Term III in KTJ were spent doing packing and chilling out with my friends before we all parted ways for a month. Our Headgirl, Jenny made a lightning decision to leave....... then change her mind after a few days to stay on until we finish our A Levels. Not complaining that she's staying but she did pull quite a scare. I even went as far as to prepare a calligraphy piece for her before the end of term only to find out that she wasn't leaving after I completed it. Ish... Wasn't a particularly impressive piece of work, but quite a good one to say the least. Sadly I don't have a picture of it to post up here. Anyhow I gave it to Jenny anyway since she asked for it so KTJians who are interested can look her up. For those who can read Chinese, this is the poem on the piece:

送友人
李白

青山横北郭，白水绕东城。
此地一为别，孤蓬万里征。
浮云游子意，落日故人情。
挥手自兹去，萧萧班马鸣。

which is basically a poem about sending a person off. JENNY YOU OWE ME ONE FOR THE TROUBLE I WENT THROUGH TO DO THIS!!! Haha nah just kidding. I doubt she even reads this lol.

Oh yes, the eYES Dinner went well despite A LOT of last minute work. Everything clicked in the end as it usually do. Everybody were in their best for the night and it generally looked nice. I'm sure everybody who were there will agree that the performances this time round were great too. Kudos to those people who arranged for the two bands and the KTJ performers! I was acting as the video man for the night and that was certainly a fresh experience. Hope what I took that night turn out fine though haha. Had a great time in KL too after the dinner with some friends. I'm sure we took some photos so I'll try to get a copy of those to post up here.

Unfortunately, my little outing in KL was cut short as I have to return for a farewell dinner for Mei Hui and Xinle in Seremban. It was a little all-you-can-eat steamboat do which was nice. However only Mei Hui showed up as Xinle was actually stuck in KL (grr...) Anyhow all the best to both of them who (I think) will not be returning to KTJ for their A Levels. Good luck in your future endeavours and do try to keep in touch! We'll miss the both of you in Buddhist Society!

Without a doubt, Term 3 in KTJ was a stark difference from Term 1 and Term 2. For starters, there was a lot of work to be done which I did complete thankfully. At the end, it left me with a serious feeling of burnout and the vacation was a welcome break. From what I can see, its going to become worse on the work front during Term 4 and I'd have to be prepared for that. Other than that, I'm starting to come to grips with what's happening around my life and coping with it with help from my friends. Thanks guys, you don't know how much it means to me... Granted I still sink into depression at the weirdest of times suddenly, but its less frequent now and I'm starting to revert to a more cheerful nature, no thanks to influence from very very hyper people (PAM!) (not just her, sorry Khairul...;) Hopefully you guys will see more of that next year. It's been a rocky term, not just for myself but for people close around me, and it was a relief to see everybody pull through in the end. We all have our own problems but still find time to care for each other when we're needed. I'm starting to trust more people and I hope that these people would also trust me the same way I do. But then, that's up to them. They decide who to trust and with what. Anyhow, I'll try to update this blog more frequently if I can find the time and motivation:) but 'til next time, Godspeed.~Zhongy

P/S Oh yes happy holidays to everybody and a safe journey to wherever you go. Keep in touch!

Now's Not The Time...

2007-11-07T12:50:00.000Z

Best Of Me
Sum 41
Underclass Hero

It's so hard to say that
I'm sorry
I'll make everything alright

All these things that I've done
Now what have I become, and where'd I go wrong?
I don't need to -- just to put you first
I won't tell you lies
I will stand accused
With my hand on my heart
I'm just trying to say

I'm sorry
It's all that I can say
You mean so much
And I'd fix all that I've done
If I could start again
I'd throw it all away
To the shadows of regrets
And you would have the best of me

I know that I can't take back all of the mistakes
But I will try
Although it's not easy
I know you believe me
Cause I would not lie
Don't believe their lies
Told from jealous eyes
They don't understand
I won't break your heart
I won't bring you down
But I will have to say

I'm sorry
It's all that I can say
You mean so much
And I'd fix all that I've done
If I could start again
I'd throw it all away
To the shadows of regrets
And you would have the best of me

I'm sorry
It's all that I can say
You mean so much
And I'd fix all that I've done
If I could start again
I'd throw it all away
To the shadows of regrets
And you would have the best of me

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm sorry, to everybody, for everything...

Two Weeks Update (In Lack Of A Better Title)...

2007-09-29T12:23:00.000+01:00

Sorry for having neglected this blog for more than two weeks now. I've been up my nose with stuff ever since house singing ended and have been lacking motivation and inspiration to put together some stuff for this post. Anyhow...

Mooncake Festival on the September 22 (last Saturday) was a thoroughly enjoyable experience. Though it has always been a norm to celebrate back home with a cup of tea, mooncake and kuaci with my family and friends, in a boarding school some of the students don't even know what Mooncake Festival was. Since the event was organised by the Buddhist Society, we decided to just have a simple parade around the school with traditional paper lanterns and then leave the students to their own devices for the rest of the night. The tuck shop auntie have also been very gracious by selling some traditional nyonya kuih, chilled mooncake and home-made barley water just for this special occasion. All thanks to her and Gerard. I must say the parade that night was truly a sight to behold with more than 400 students and staff, each with their own lanterns strolling around the general school compound. I think that actually embodied what most Chinese celebrations mean, that is to do things in a big group together, like a family. However needless to say there were pranksters in the group who just couldn't resist burning up the paper lanterns and chucking them all over the road. Inconsiderate people, but then you get them everywhere.

Debbie and Me Leading The Mooncake Festival Parade.

Me, Debbie, Amira, Farah and Wei Rhong at the front of the parade!

After the parade...

Also held last week was the English Book Week Debate Competition. It was a full parliamentary, British style debate which was held over 3 rounds with 5 teams. Naturally I took part with Andrew (subbed by Isaac in the quarter-finals because he was ill. Thanks Isaac!) and Kevin. We ended up as the only Upper Six team in the competition... The topic for the quarter and semi finals was 'Attendance at Secondary School Should Be Voluntary'. We sailed through the quarter-finals with relative ease but the semi-finals was a real test when we came up against Shan, Nesha and Cher Waye. With some luck and resilience we pulled through but it was seriously all touch-and-go. At best it was a scrappy performance which served as a wake up call for all of us. In the finals the team got our act together for our best performance in the competition but was unable to stop the government team of Jason, Yip and Zhi Wei with the motion 'This House Would Ban All Experimentation On Animals'. Nevertheless it was a heated debate which really could have gone either way. However I can't help feeling that I have not reached my full potential in the final and if I did, the victory could have belonged to us. Still it was a creditable performance and full credit to Zhi Wei and gang for their win. It was an exciting feeling to be debating competitively again against top-notch debaters like Zhi Wei and Cher Waye but stuff happened in the debate which made winning feel hollow and losing a much more bitter pill to swallow. At the end, this competition left a bitter taste in my mouth and in more ways than one, reminded me of things which have come to past in the last two years part of which I have no intention of revisiting... And yet, life goes on...

I went off to Seremban yesterday for a charity event with Buddhist Society. All the proceedings from the Mooncake Festival went to buying school uniforms, white socks and shoes for 9 less fortunate children from our school workers and Mantin. We also bought them McDonalds for dinner as well after doing the shopping. The whole society went but it was EXTREMELY tiring having to baby-sit the 9 kids and almost 10 other youngsters. However the cute little angelic smiles on their faces made it all worth it and I really had a deep sense of satisfaction after coming back. It goes without saying that we all had great fun in Seremban Parade and it brought the members closer to each other despite the HUGE gap in age. Now if only we could persuade Ms. Ng for another trip out for the 5L leavers Xin Le and Mei Hui haha.

Right now I'm sitting here typing this with a flu and feeling totally exhausted. I guess the trip yesterday and some emotional problems must have worn me out completely and I look as dead as a zombie. There's I.U. Night in about an hour's time which I guess I will be attending. Completely burnt out this week and looking forward to having some rest this weekend. AS Exams are coming of course but so are holidays. Keep your fingers crossed that I juggle my time properly during the two week's break. Oh and did I mention Cambridge interview in 1 month?~Zhongy~

For One More Day...

2007-09-12T12:30:00.000+01:00

I'm sorry.......

There's so much that I didn't say.......

I hope you enjoyed the moments when we've been together......

I should have made more of the time spent with you......

How much I would have given for one more day.......

Just to tell you how much I love you......

Great Success!

2007-09-10T12:45:00.000+01:00

How else coould you describe it? Nadzimuddin House came second in the House-Singing Competition! And I must say I cannot be more proud than now to be part of this house. We are practically close to talent-less when it comes to music but at the end, sheer enthusiasm and ingenuity pulled through. Congratulations to all my house mates who worked hard to perfect the song. You all deserved the win! Special thanks goes especially to Jun with his elite Marine Corps and the ever-reliable Ash with his crew of delightful background singers. I feel that this performance really embodied the Nadzimuddin spirit -- one heck of a great show! It was a fantastic effort from everybody in the house and they deserve all the praise they get.

The night itself was fabulous, with many former students and parents making the trip specially to see KTJ students in action. I believe none left disappointed. All the houses worked hard to please the judges and the crowd, and it was a night of top-notch performances. I thought even Naquiah, the junior house did well with their rendition of 'Lolipop' by Mika. Irinah were the undisputed winners with their showcase of an amazing ammount of musical talents in their house. Between them, they played five different musical instruments to belt out 'Spiderman' and 'Shout'. It was truly amazing stuff from their singers, solos and performers who came out in full force to win. The other houses did well too and Jawahir House came third with snippets from various songs -- 'Favourite Things', 'Close To You', 'Uptown Girl' and 'I Feel Pretty'.

By itself, house singing was a good bonding experience for all the houses and I guess the seniors got closer to the juniors and vice versa. There's always house rivalry and the 'housism' symptom when events like this come around but I thought that it was handled well this time and generally there were no terrible repurcussions. Kudos to those who have made house singing a rousing success and I must say, I enjoyed it immensely! Great success!~Zhongy~

My Take On Our Fiftieth Merdeka

2007-09-02T10:27:00.000+01:00

Merdeka!

What is in a word, a combination of seven letters, a symbol, a motto, a dream? After 50 years, after five decades, after half a century, how far have Malaysia really come? Yes, we have the Twin Towers, the Proton Saga, MEASAT, the New Economic Policy (NEP), the Iskandar Development Region and astronauts going to space, but what do this really all mean to us Malaysians? Are these the signs which show that we have really prospered, under the social contract of all races, sealed within our Constitution, the highest authority of our country? Look around you, is this what you have come to expect after 50 years of independence, after 50 years of integration, after 50 years of progress? Or are we all still living under the illusion that we have moved forward, that we have matured, as a country and as a community?

We live in a country where there are rules for everything, where everything is censored and controlled, where every word you speak, every move you make can be used against you in court. Our mainstream media is but a propaganda tool used to deceive the general public, to muddle the facts, to make the government look good. Our censorship board determines what we can watch in the cinemas, on the television, what we can read in books, newspapers, magazines and what we can write on our blogs and in our diaries. Tell me, where is the freedom of expression? Where is the truth that we were promised, that we seek, that were concealed to maintain our so called 'unity' and 'harmony'. And yet, are we willing to sacrifice the truth for this manner of 'peace', where we live among lies so that 'social stability' is maintained?

After 50 years, is it still not apparent to Malaysians that our government is corrupt, from the lowest ranking officer to the members of the cabinet? Cronyism, nepotism and money politics are still very much practised in truth not only in our bureaucracy, but in all three branches of the Malaysian Administration. Everywhere in Malaysia, police and JPJ officers accept bribes from people to escape bribes or to pass a driving test. On a bigger scale, massive government projects are awarded to companies which are linked to the government, which can somehow operate at a loss for our country's sake. Our auctions are merely a formality, a joke for bureaucrats who control the Finance Ministry, who receive huge bribes while the people suffer when the projects are substandard and fall apart. It seems even our own Putrajaya has failed to escape this 'phenomenon'.

After five decades of independence, it seems that the Malaysian Education System has failed to train any competent Malaysians who have enough foresight and leadership qualities to assume the posts of the Minister of Finance and the Minister of Internal Affairs. If you guys are wondering, our beloved Prime Minister currently holds these portfolios. Talk about centralisation of power, or is it dictatorship? Besides that, it seems our Economic Planning Unit (EPU), for all its worth, can't count properly either. I'm thinking any Form 3 kid and above can easily tell them that you don't take the par value when evaluating equity on the stock market, you take the the market value. But no, they have the cheek to insist that they are correct and contradict ASLI who has obviously got it right. Then of course, there are state governments who spend millions on an artificial waterfall and an all too huge bowling alley 20 minutes outside of town, thinking that it would attract foreign tourists. Oh and did I mention a revolving tower splat in the middle of the city which bears no significance whatsoever but cost another 2 million out of our coffers? And you wonder why the ringgit is now 2.30 compared to the sing.

Bureaucrats complain that graduates are leaving Malaysia when they can't provide the infrastructure to fully utilise their talents. Scholars who return after obtaining degrees are given a desk job in some obscure department which probably has no bearing whatsoever to their major. Universities employ fresh graduates as lecturers, shun meritocracy when they offer places to students and appoint politicians instead of educationists to run their administration. Yet they are thinking of making Malaysia an education hub. In this country I can be sued under accusations of libel and slander for writing this, brought into custody under the Official Secrets Act, and be labeled a traitor and stripped of my citizenship. Scary, ain't it? A parliament representative suggests that bloggers should register like we register pre-paid phone numbers, and another wants PG ratings posted on sites. What's worse, the Prime Minister and his deputy cannot agree on whether Malaysia is an Islamic State, while a mufti thinks that it's a woman's fault for wearing revealing clothes when they are spied upon by micro-cameras.

In the run-up to our country's 50th Birthday, local dailies (The Star at least) ran a series of articles on our Bapa Kemerdekaan, Tunku Abdul Rahman. While I truly am grateful to Tunku for what he has done, I wonder what he would think of the present state our country is in now. And what happened to our other 3 former PMs? They seemed to have been completely erased from the minds of our editors, though they too have contributed a lot to our nation building efforts. Of course, the only current news on Tun Mahathir, the only surviving Former PM is him needing to go for by-pass surgery, not how far Malaysia has come under Pak Lah since he resigned or anything the country has achieved under his regime. Oh well, that's Malaysian propaganda for you!~Zhongy~

Memories Of The Present

The Long Road to Wimbledon

How Now?

Silent Night

Why?

Simple

Don't Work. Avoid Telling the Truth. Be Hated. Love Someone.

需要人陪

Am I Living It Right?

Hold Me Tight, Lest I Falter..

Speak into the Mirror

想写字

He went like One that Hath been Stunned, and is of Sense Forlorn: A Sadder and a Wiser Man, He Rose the Morrow Morn.

How Do You Mend A Broken Heart?

Spin It Round & Round

Before We Get Too Old

Broken Records

Reposted: "God Is Love" (1 John 4:8)

Bittersweet

Running In The Rain

Why do Malaysians March?

Love Songs In Age

Spare A Thought For Me

The Truth of Social Media

I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker, And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker, And in short, I was afraid.

I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him, for as a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so life well used brings happy death...

This Is The Eve

星空

或许有一天我会告诉你吧？

'Cos There Will Always be Me, You and Häagen-Dazs Ice Cream

We Will NOT be a Part of a Lost Generation

Wear It On My Sleeve

Minted Masquerade

悼念沈老

Paradox Within

A Dream No More

就像蜡烛，燃烧自己，照亮别人...

Martini, Shaken Not Stirred

Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind

Love, Life and All That's Left

Yes She Does, No She Doesn't; Flip A Coin...

迷惑中的一盏灯

Hysterics Suffer Mainly From Reminiscences

Reposted: High Definition Blues

if Life Was Always Going to be Free Flowing All the Time, It Would Be Downright Boring

Fused Out Bulb

The Inevitability of Change

And We're ALLLLL Set for a White Christmas Now...

Nobody Said It Was Going To Be So Hard...

展翼昂翔

Words Are Flowing Out Like Endless Rain Into A Paper Cup..

From My Heart To Yours..

First Post in the Midlands

Scribbled In Kensington Garden Square, September 21, 2008

ありがとうございま

Breaking Through The Distance...

Take What's Yours and Leave

A Discourse In Patriotism, Malaysian Politics and Whatnots, You Decide...

Falling...

Wither

אהבה

There and Back Again, A Journey to be Remembered...

Mixed Signals...

Back On The Grid!!!

ANNOYED...

You Either Die A Hero, Or You Live Long Enough To See Yourself Turn Into A Villain

Crying Again Tonight??

Welcome Onboard The FedExpress!

That's What You Call An Epic!!

Au Revoir KTJ, Now For A Break...

Dedicated to Self...

A Killer Joke...

Skin Change II

And All's Well That Ends Well

*SNAP*

That Song In The Car...

Home Alone...

Changes

Words To Ponder...

Damnit Why Are You So Pissed and Emo!!!

SNAP